Becoming the Big Sister

Hello guys...I am sorry I have not much interesting things to say lately. However, let me share something that I have realized today. Perhaps being the eldest in my 'academic' family has its advantages. You see, I realized that more and more of my classmates are seeking my help or asking for my opinion on a variety of topics. Since the end of the semester is two weeks from now, we are all bombarded with a lot of paper work (research paper, reaction papers and more papers). This afternoon, I got the the biggest surprise when a classmate of mine asked me for some advise on a very personal and very sensitive matter. Being a little 'bit' older than my classmates, I became used to the everyday questions thrown at me but never was I flattered until that question that kind of question was thrown at me. That made me realize that I am quite of an importance to some people. From the way they look to the assignments on certain subjects, I never realized that my opinion mattered to the people who are closely becoming the constant figures of my everyday life. No matter how I avoid getting into friendships with my 'new' friends, I can't help myself but be drawn to their immaturity because I see myself in them through my awkward, confused and emotionally struggling years. I felt very much of value of a Big Sister- respected and listened to even though I am not sure if what I am saying is absolutely right. On the outside, I may be seen as a very emotionally stable person but I also have my own personal struggles. I just can't think of a thing for them to give their trust to my words or to whatever my opinion would be while I am in constant battle with my low self-esteem.

during the past years, my experiences made me an entirely different person. With everything that I have gone through, I kind of repressed all of my bad memories as my way to survive. I even forgot when was the last time I ever cried real tears. It seems that I have lost feelings for my pains. So I realized, maybe that is what turned myself into stone. Honestly, as long as my family, especially NJ, is by my side, I can't be shattered. I just turned into a stone, lacking personal emotion. Perhaps that may be because I am real tired, physically and emotionally. I have exhausted decades-worth of emotions, pain and sufferings in just few years and so I am left with nothing today. Perhaps having the constant ability to talk as an outsider and an observer made my words that believable for some people-matter-of-factly words rather than emotion-based words...maybe that's the answer...or maybe NOT.