Gising!!!!

Panahon nang magising Windang,mabuhay ka. susmaryosep, kadami-daming dapat gawin, wag ka ng mag-aksaya ng oras. Hindi ikaw ang nagkamali kaya't wala kang dapat ikahiya.

Hindi ikaw ang nagtaksil at hindi ikaw ang nang-agrabyado. Hindi ikaw ang nagkasala at hindi ikaw nagmantsa sa pangalan at kinabukasan ng anak mo. sa buhay na ito, isa lamang ang totoo. ang mga pagkakamali ay pinagbabayaran. isipin mo na lang, nagkamali ka rin sa iyong buhay diba? isipin mo yung sakripisyong kinailangan mong gawin upang maitama iyon, upang maitama ang buhay mo. isipin mo na rin kung gaano siguro kahirap ang pagbabayaran ng mga tumrantado sayo. isang madikit na sumpa ang dinidikit ko sa makakating yon...demonyo lang ang nakakaligtas sa kamunduhan...palagay ko'y ilang beses mo nang sinumpa ang mga nilalang na iyon...maraming beses na minura sa lahat ng santong alam mo...maatim mo bang magtiwala sa ganung klaseng tao? maatim mo bang maging kaloob ng buhay mo ang ganung makasariling tao? maaatim mo bang tawaging tatay ng anak mo ang ganung taong kay babaw ng pananaw sa respeto, tiwala at pangako? makasarili at walang moral sa buhay? palagay ko hindi.

sige inum pa, sige hithit pa, oras na mapagod ka, humarap ka sa salamin, kilalanin ang mas maliwanag na umagang sasalubong sayo...

pero sa ngayon, pahirin na ang luha, singhutin mo na ang uhog, hilamusin mo na ang sambakol mong mukha...magkape ka at magpahinga...sa umaga pag gising mo, itigil mo na yang kagagahan mo... tuloy pa rin ang buhay kahit na sa nasasaktang tulad mo. ngayon lang yan, naunahan ka lang umayaw...baka bukas, ayaw mo na rin diba? una-unahan lang yan...mabuhay ka! dahil may buhay pa pagkatapos nito...at matatapos din to. makikita mo rin...

Hello Visitors

Hi there. I just wanted to check on my friends who spend time thinking of me and reading through my thoughts in this page. All of you are friends to me. Perhaps you already know me to understand what I am going through. while some of you would say I am a bitter person or whatever, I was actually...what I am doing is channeling every emotion that lingers in me through my writing because it really helps drive them away. I am just writing everything about how I feel and what i think about all the drama that just passed. In a way, I look forward to reading everything I have written...like something I would laugh about in the future. I am quite feeling alright now. I have a great support system that's why. Words are not enough to say to the people who are there for me and continuously bear with what my crazy mind dictates. It's so comforting to see that there are people who are interested reading my thoughts...They might judge me or hate me or criticize me, but hey! This is me. I believe I can't pretend my way through life. It's so liberating to see that number of hits this page have...I was simply surprised having to reached that...well, it just goes to show that I am not the only person experiencing what I am experiencing...we'll get better in time...I just know it!!! We all will be fine...PEACE!

Ang “Makating Manok” at ang kanyang MGA “Palay”

Minsan, ang pag-big ay ‘di sapat. Upang ito’y isang maging ganap na kaligayahan, marami pa itong ingridyents na kay hirap mawari. Wala naman kaseng binibigay na pormula para maging Masaya sa pag ibig. E di sana’y wala nang umiiyak sa sakit ng loob, sana’s wala ng tumatalon sa tulay kapag heartbroken, e di sana’y walang kabit na sinusugod, sana’y wala ng pamilyang nasira…e di sana’y walang babae o lalaking sumasabay sa mga kantang “lintik na pag-ibig” o kaya ay “stupid luv” ng salbakuta. Pero may nakapagsabi sa akin na ang kaligayahan ay choice. Ibig sabihin, magiging ganap lamang ang iyong kaligayahan kung pipiliin mong maging totoong maligaya. Kaya nga lang, upang magawa mo ang desisyong ganito, dapat kase may basehan diba? Luka luka lang naman ang nagdedesisyon ng walang kadahilanan…kelangan mo ng dahilan.

Ngayon, sa mga pusong sawi at nasaktan ng mga “taong hindi mapigil ang kati sa katawan”, kay hirap magdesisyong maging maligaya. OO, sobrang sakit. Wala na sigurong mas sasakit pa sa makalimutan ang lahat ng pangako at pinagsamahan dahil lamang sa tawag ng laman…sabagay, sa palay na lumalapit, may manok na nag-aantay. Subalit, kelangan nga bang lahat ng palay ay tukain? Kapag busog naman kase na yung manok, e di sana din a tutuka diba? Pero gutom e, me problema ata sa naunang palay na tinuka. Maaaring kulang, maaaring panis na, maaaring nakakasawa na, maaaring gusto lang makatikim ng iba, maaaring “basta” lang.

Samantala, karaniwang ang mapagbubuntunan ng galit at ang “palay na lumapit”. Subalit tulad mo rin, sa totoo lang, biktima rin siya ng siraulong manok na wala ng ginawa sa buhay kundi ang tumuka, ang “busugin ang pangangailangan” ng walang pakundangan sa kung anong klaseng basura at kalat ang naiwan niya ng halukayin niya ang lupa para sa mumunting butil ng makasalanang palay.

Subalit sa mga palay na nabiktima ng ganitong klaseng manok, marahil ay kelangan lang matuto. Nakakatakot umasa sa nilalang na maaari kang ipagpalit ng basta basta…nakakatakot magmahal sa mga nilalang na pupwede kang bitawan sa ere, lalung lalo ng sa panahong kelangan siya. Sa wari ko’y, ang mga lalaki ay masasandalan, subalit sa nangyari, masahol pa sa kabaklaan ang Gawain ng “makakating manok”. Kase ang bakla, kahit papano, bago sila tumuka ng papa, nag-iisip. Yun lang, nag-iisip.
NAG-IISIP!!!

Sa “palay na lumapit” hangad kong makamit ang reyalisasyong iniilang-givs ko para makumpleto at maliwanagan ang buhay ko. Mapalad ka kung mapagtitino mo ang “makating manok” na pinili mong lunukin ka ng buong buo. Sa totoo lang, malaki ang pagpapasalamat ko sayo. Kase gaya ng ibang palay na naisantabi, kami ay tutubo, makikisagupa sa bagyong taun-taon ay dumadalaw sa Pilipinas, mabubuhay, araw-araw na makikipaggirian sa init at sikat ng araw at makikiindayog sa saliw ng hangin, kasama ang mga kapareho kong tumubong palay na pagdating ng panahon ay pagkakalooban ng ginintuang katawan…parang liwanag na magtutukoy sa daan patungo sa aming ganap na kaligayahan.Samantalang ikaw...lamang tiyan.

Life is a matter of choice…and what a “kilig” choice I made!

Yesterday, I finally decided to grace all my Thursday classes with my presence. Though school has already started a week ago, I needed time to collect myself and organize my thoughts and just be myself again. I was just a total wreck and even when I put myself to places where I needed to be, my thoughts weren’t exactly there. I was like in a bubble that is blown to directions where I needed to be.

After a tiring day, I opened my friendster account and saw that my sister left me a testimonial. As I have read line per line, I can’t help roll tears with the heartfelt message I saw. I just felt the love when I needed reassurance. I needed just that kind of reassurance when I seemed to have lost track of directions, of where I needed to be and what I should do. I was just shattered and having read the message just knocked up the bubble that was swallowing me whole.

So let’s go back to what happened in class. I was kind of early. My first subject was a blast. My classmates posed quite a challenge for me to keep up with (I have already missed 2 formal sessions) and my teacher was beaming on my remarks (talk about points for recitation, I did okay! Just to make up for my missed quiz). Then afternoon class came. I was kind of early, looking forward for more of the fun that started my day.

As I was seeing my classmates come inside the classroom one by one, I saw someone unwelcome. I saw someone that reminded so much of my EX. He has a dark brown complexion, he is just the same built, he is just the same hair and he has just the same posture…I can’t help but blink back and just hope I was dreaming…a constant reminder of HIM…and to my dismay, I discovered, this man will be my classmate everyday of the semester…

There are differences though. He seems to be the guy who is outspoken. His baritone voice booms every time he is asked to tell his opinion about the subject matter being discussed. I kind of liked the way he speaks, he seems to be smart and kind. For a newcomer, he seems to blend well and treats my classmates as buddies, me included.

So I needed to make a choice. Should I welcome ill-feelings and be constantly be tormented by this sort of reminder of my painful breakup or should I treat him as someone who I will be looking forward to coming to class to everyday. It wouldn’t hurt anyway for I was not meaning to be all romantic, I just wanted to see a better picture under the circumstance. It’s either I feel tormented and ruin my whole semester OR feel inspired and kilig, which really helps in keeping me from coming to class.

So I made my choice…and what a “kilig” choice I made!!!

I am Psyched!!!

Guess what my friends…I just met one of Philippine’s finest writer and literature artist today…Ricky Lee lang naman pangalan niya… ang tao sa likod ng obrang “Himala” at kabahagi sa panulat ng mga pelikulang “Madrasta” at “Anak” ng Star Cinema…two of m favorite Filipino movies of all time. He is such a kind person, very down to earth…and so, I went on my panic buying mode, bought his very first novel (Para kay B) and went along the long line of people asking Mr. Lee of Daet, Camarines Sur to personally sign his dedication…talk about first celebrity autograph moments, I went gaga, jaw-dropped and pasted a strain smile, feeling stupid yet very overwhelmed of seeing someone in the flesh who made his mark through literature, my first love…through his encouraging words, I found hope and assurance that in any form, writing surely is driven by passion. He said, no book can ever teach you to write; otherwise, there would be no shortage for good stories…if so, why is there a shortage of good Filipino writers. Perhaps by the word “good”, he means a writer who is actually good and has successfully made an impression to the Filipino readers.

I am not saying that I wanted to become something like him…I wanted to have the spirit he has. He glows with pride of what he does for a living. I wanted to see myself enjoying the fulfillment and the support he obviously earned by doing the thing that he loves the most. That is, creating and webbing stories that are truthful, honest and nothing close to a fairy-tale.

Too bad we do not have brought a camera so I can brag something to you guys...all I have is a free copy of a best-selling Ricky Lee book in my hands...well, that's a better freebie anyway...

Positive Light

Now, enough of the pessimism. In my world, I can't seem to understand why I have dealt with my life and how I continuously survive with all the negativity I carry around. I am not saying that I am a negative person through and through but most of the days, I am.

and so, after a week-long thinking I have realized one important thing...you see, I have made a list of the happy and sad memories I had with my previously ended relationship...I hope you are curious of what I have found out?

assuming you are, I have found out that I have 3+ sheets pages of sadness and only one page happy times (by yellow paper standards)

of course, I have weighted the level of intensity at which those emotions have battled. still, the sadness outweighed the happy times...listing everything is an eye opening experience for me. It did not include giving of material things, I was just guided by my emotions and perceptions of the years and experienced we had. Boy I got myself fooled, I though I was happy when I am not.

ever since my buboy NJ was born, I have realized that my flaws and his flaws got more pronounced...YES PEOPLE, MORE PRONOUNCED. we were put in an overly awkward situation that tested our strengths and convictions...I never said I did everything right...but the thing is, I try each day to make things right...and I am making progress...whereas the other party, I can't say much...

FLAWS GOT MORE PRONOUNCED....

even then, he never helped me get through the deepest darkest points of life (which mostly involved my unplanned pregnancy, and loads of life dramas)...during the weakest points of my life, he was never there (partly because I never reached out, for what it's worth, why should I if I known it won't do any good)I fact, he was partly the reason behind those weak points, which I survived alone...

Anyhow, I was just surprised to be clinging into something that was practically worthless...a dream that's supposed to mean something but not really...

I was just plain fool, but this fool shall be no fool for life...
this fool will learn...this fool will find somebody who will see the value in her...
I refuse to be taken for granted...because I am worth something...

I DESPERATELY BELIEVE...I AM WORTH SOMETHING...

I know I am not the only one experiencing this...but tonight, I'd like to remain positive for a change...

hope and faith in life, I am hanging by the threads

I know things will be better...in time

I am plain Sick

I really find it very difficult to be a responsible parent when I am dealing with something bigger than me, something that has done me wrong, something that I don't deserve. I find it hard to decide on whether or not to free all my rage because if I do, my being a responsible parent will be compromised. I find it difficult, I can't breathe. I got all my muscles tensed up, I could kill a crow. It's so hard to bear and live with the frustration and disapointment while saving an ounce of respect...for my son's father.

I am in rage. I am appalled. Although I expected things like "disgusting other woman" happens in the moment of weakness, I just can't help feel being human, I can't help feeling the emotions that comes with betrayal...it sickens me...it sickens me to my core. It has twisted me to bits I want to scream and shout out how you have killed a part of me...if only I can shout the words I wanted to say...if only I can lambaste you will all the disgusting words I know just to make you feel how I am sickened, while still setting a good example to my boy...my shame to world is how you got me fooled for somebody that is exactly not YOU.

I just hope all the pain is worth it. Every time I am fighting the tears to fall in front of my son, something inside me dies. Every time he smiles at me, I see your face...if only I can make him look like me, even just a little. Of what am I punished for? Why am I given this lifetime torture? What did I do to deserve something like this? Haven't I got enough? What else is there threaten the simple pleasures I enjoy in my life. Every time I am confronted with the fact that I cannot shield my son from a monster like you, I feel so frustrated I so wanted to twist your neck...I hope it's worth it.

Why me? God why me? Why is it always me? Why does it have to be me? I am so sick of this!!! I'm so goddamn sick!!!argh!!

Moping Through the Weekend

I am soo hating myself for wallowing in some unwelcome emotions over the weekend. After claiming that I am doing fine and okay, I hate to admit that I actually am not. Of all the things I know about myself, I tend to have a delayed reaction to every dilemma that I face…just don’t give me time to be by myself and think, then I will be okay. Because once I started thinking, I analyze everything. Crazy right? But it has been a habit of mine.

Being in this disgusting mushy mode cost me a project and a weekend salary. I just stared at the computer screen all day, ravishing pages of how to cope with breakup articles. Boy what a disgrace! After this, I will not even try to think besides my responsibilities and my studies. I can’t afford to stay this way longer. I am better off earning some that moping some more. What a freak!

Anyways, I can say that my mushy time was well worth it. For one thing, I was kind of entertained by some of the ridiculous and ideal and outrageous ways of dealing with breakups…sure this is fun, for some. But I did have fun leafing through them, really.

And so I quote the best material I found:

“Now a lot of breakup survival kits may seem a little facetious and even idealistic, but the key to getting the closure you need is focusing less on the reasons surrounding the split because you may very well never get them. Allow yourself to cry and rely on friends. Allot yourself that time. Just remember how much time we all spend pining after ex-boyfriends that didn't even give us the time of day to offer an explanation. Then think about how much time it takes to find a new guy and build a better relationship. You do the math.”

….now that sounds like a good plan…isn’t it?!

Doing Some Thinking

I had a serious talk with this dear friend of mine last night. actually, I have been going out for quite a while, to find answers...to find the fun in me, the kind of carefree person I used to be. Of all the people I know, this dear friend of mine seem to have the talent to see what's beyond me, slaps sense into my head and straightens me up when I needed to. For a smart girl, I always feel foolish around him about everything we are talking about...he really knows me and even when I say I'm okay, he knows I actually am not. I even do not have to say "hey, I have a problem" to him...he just comes to my rescue whenever he is needed, for always.

and so I told him about my problems and sought for a man's view of what I could have done wrong. he just told me plain and simple, it just did not work and sometimes, you do not have to explain and analyze everything in life because if you do, you'll go crazy. we do not have control of the minds and hearts of people we care about...I am lost...my friend explained that perhaps this line was about picking up the pieces of one's life. perhaps the man who said this to me was trying to pick up the pieces of his once shattered self, and decided I could not help him with that or that I am already a nuisance. I could really not get over the context of this line...it's so cocky and to ruin something i have been working hard on by this reason...I seem to understand now...I was just plain foolish giving this man every chance to hurt me and continuously leave me just when I needed him most.

with all the self respect that's left of me, I am committing to my own happiness. I am lucky to have people who loves me for me, flaws and all, no conditions, no hassles, no bullshits.

what I learned from this dear friend of mine is that it is important to value yourself first...that I do not need validation for my happiness and fulfillment. I'd like to believe that..but for now, I must keep afloat and block everything that seem to push me back...After all, I have no reason at all to go back...that's no good...not now...the damage is done, and that's what I will fix ...with the help of friends like this dear friend of mine...

To Buboy

I realized I haven’t written my boy a tribute to his fourth birthday so here it goes…
For four years, you have made a great impact in my life…for someone so small and so fragile and whiny, you seem to be the best person in my life. In fact, you are my healthiest relationship. Hats-off to you for actually straightening me up.

My flesh and blood. My life. To me you are just about everything I need to survive. Even when I lost some opportunities I should have, you replaced them with things that gave me more satisfaction and appreciation of my life. For a boy so young, you have made me feel valued, important and significant; things that nobody realized I needed so bad to live. Even with your nonsensical babblings, you have said more words that meant everything than anybody else.

Now that you are four years old, I am here by your side as you open up to a new world. You are going to school now and I promise to be there by your side even when I am not called or needed. I will be there through your dances, programs and anything else. I will be in every PTA meeting, and every meeting that parents are called upon. I promise to be at the front line whenever you need an audience for your newfound skills and talents. I will be there and there always. Along with your Lolos and Lolas, your family will always be proud of you and everything you do.

For someone so whiny and needy and messy, you are the person I only care about. Time and time again, you are by my side whenever I feel weak and tired, you strengthen my faith whenever I think lowly of myself. You let me live, you gave me every reason to live. You know why? Because I love you. I so love to see what you will become when you grow up. Because I know that even when you don’t become the person I am hoping you’d be, I know you will be someone unexpected but so much better.

I will forever love you Buboy…Mama will always be here and here to stay.
Happy Fourth Birthday!

Things are getting more Exciting Every Day

this week, I have been attending to my son's first week in school. Boy what a proud momma I was seeing my little boy getting inside the room, finding his own spot in the classroom and asking free goodies for snacks...boy he's got some persuasive skills I never thought existed...His teachers tell me he occasionally walks around the room while the class is in session, perhaps familiarizing himself with the new environment. whenever his classmates line up to go home after school hours have ended, he stays behind. to my delight, i discovered he stays behind to chat and share laughs with some of his new friends...today is actually his birthday and I am at some internet cafe just to submit my work to my boss...a mother has got to earn some right?...anyways, I am thrilled to start my cooking later, we will have a small intimate party for the young fella...I'll just see to my updates once the internet connection at home decided to work...really, the service is annoying but I have to stick with it because I have invested money on the connection fee...that sucks right...well, going back to the party, I will be cooking..so I gotta have all my working act wrapped up before 2...the party's supposed to start at 3pm...till then.