Hoping...Wishing...It could have been...

I feel so foolish coming here, giving in to my inner desire to finally open my heart and feel something again. I am here seating in front of this computer, writing this blog, which was very far from what I was hoping would happen today. If I hadn't fallen for your charms, I am long gone and I might probably be at home back to my old life. But here I am beside you just being with you and I don't think you want me here, I don't think you care I'm here anyway.

But I am thankful for what you made me feel these past few days. I learned to trust myself to feel again. I learned that I am still capable of feeling the emotions I so thought I was never able to feel again. So when I come down to this same road, I know I can make open up for love once again... so goodbye and have a nice life. Thanks very much.

Bad Morning

There's always a day when everything doesn't go according to your plans. Not only are my pending accounts unsatisfied (done but no payments coming in yet), my son has already learned the "I'm sick" trick just to skip school. Time and time again, I always explain how our little family works. Mama does the actual work to earn money and Buboy need to go to school to be a kid, study and make friends. If one of us don't do our part, then nothing would work. Now if Buboy wants to skip school, then Mama will get angry and work will be quite a day of venting anger through writing. If nothing works, then that means one of us will be left behind in a far away place and we will be separated so we can function better, a scenario that is all too familiar to me. Times are really hard. Really hard, especially when I am dealing with this alone. But I am trying my hardest to make things work. Trying my hardest. God, a little help please?

Flutter

A glimmer of light, a flutter of emotion- I seem to miss the days when I took for granted the feeling of excitement of hoping for something great. I missed the days of looking forward to the unknown. As I grew older, I grew more anxious about the future. It seems like I hope the rest of my life will be spent "today". I stopped hoping. I stopped dreaming. I became fearful instead of bold. I became cautious instead of outrageous. I used to be bold and courageous. Now, I felt I lost all the fun and exciting things about my life. I live each day alone. I live each day catering to what needs to be done. I have given up the privilege of doing what I want, a long time ago. Now, It's always about what's needed to be done. A common theme of grown up whines. But all the more that life makes me feel this is my reality. I hope a flutter of something I have in the past would suffice to let me hope again, look forward to anything again, dream again... live a little bit more.

This Blog is Personal

When I started this blog account, I did it because everyone in the office was doing it. I did it because of the opportunity to earn money from some paid blog posts. But as time progressed, my reason for maintaining this blog became personal. My posts became more and more personal, which explains the tag "personals". In this blog, I write the words for ME. what I feel, what I think, without fear of judgment, without fear of errors, I boldly publish it here, because this blog has become my friend when no one else can be. When I feel frustrated, I write my feelings down. Whenever I feel stupid, overwhelmed and angry, I write everything down. I thought, it's better to bother an electronic being than someone who may have his own share of problems and just dig him deeper because of my nonsense. This blog has been my thought's haven, my emotional therapy. Needless to say, this blog is a deep part of me. This is the raw ME. My words were meant to express, and I think that's a liberty I chose to embrace. They may mean bad or good to the one who reads, but its just thoughts, this blog is just me thinking, feeling and being honest and trying to stay out of trouble because of the words I feel are stupid, too tactless and petty to blurt out in person, I put them here instead of bothering the person, and everything in the world makes sense.

I am not in the habit of reading back my past entries. I am mostly a bit ashamed of the immaturity and selfishness in them. But I think that's the point of blogging, the opportunity to dig deep into yourself and into your selfish thoughts - celebrating self when everything works out or not. It's personal for me. but for you, my reader, whatever you think of this, it's how you relate to this. It's you-not ME.

Mother and I

My relationship with my mother is one that I can compare with marriage. The only difference is that with marriage, you get to choose the person you will commit your 'lifetime' with. But, if I would have to choose a mother, I honestly wouldn’t choose someone like her. 

Now my mother is far from the ideal mother that you may have in mind. She does not even meet the ‘average’ mother category, but that is not to say that she is the worst. Although she had her promiscuous years and she had done things that made her easy to hate, she is the mother that I have. Surprisingly, no matter how we disagree and fight, I honestly love my mother.

As I look back, I was equally stubborn to her as she is to my ‘advice’. I even come to the point of harming myself just so I would force her to see things my way. Through it all, she was the only one who stuck with me through everything wrong I have done. She was as messed up as I was.

Now, I had the chance to live with her again, this time that I have found my own pace and direction in life. Although the situation somehow limited my freedom to go as I please, being all grown up with my own child in tow, I decided to be with her. I know she needed me and even if she doesn’t show it, she needed my guidance. She is making a conscious effort to correct and make up for all her past mistakes and hurt caused in our family. She needed me to see how hard she is trying, and I am happy to be with her through the process.

Sometimes, my mother drives me crazy with her boisterous chatter and somehow out of this world assumptions about people and about life. It’s pretty much living with a tactless kid who is so stubborn to even listen to you. But at the end of the day, I am happy to make her feel that she is making progress, growing up while growing older, as I am happy to also learn valuable and sometimes crazy insights from her, which I will treasure for all my life. 

Happy 7th Birthday Day Son!

Every year, on your birthday,

I think about how glad I am

that you were born,

how thankful I am to have you in my life.

Every year is another year

filled with the special joys you bring

just by being yourself.

Every year, when you open your birthday gifts,

realize what a gift you are

to everyone who knows you,

especially me.

Happy Birthday!

"Papa I have to go now, I'm busy..."

My son's 7th birthday is coming up and we were deciding on the guest list. Then just for pure amusement, I told my son, "what do you think about inviting your father and your other sister to the party?" Then a looong silence followed. He never answered my question, he was just silent and his serious "mafia lord" face was on, and so I dropped the subject and moved on recalling the names of his classmates.

This is what I feared the most, my son feeling so distant from his father. Since he is older now and even more aware of our family situation, I cannot do anymore damage control regarding his relationship with his father. He now can think on his own.

I remember the days when he would hound me every Monday when I arrive from school, getting my cellphone, putting it on the table and waiting for his father's promised weekly call. I used to remember his long and laud laugh whenever he realizes his father called him. I remember the squeal of delight whenever he hears his big voice. Even when he jumbles words because he speaks so fast, seems like he wanted to tell his father many things, realizing that their talk-time is limited. It was a sight that used to pinch my heart - because I felt how my son yearns for more. That this limited time they have together - I can never give him any substitute for it. And now I really want to give his father, excuse my words, a serious ass-kicking for being such an ASS.

So the calls become less and less. My heart hurts whenever my son quit waiting and playing beside the phone and tell me he's ready to sleep now. For weeks that his father forget or "was too busy" to call him, this was the sight. Then he finally asked me, "bakit di na tumatawag sa akin si Papa? (why is Papa not calling me anymore?)" I just answer him, "... maybe he is too busy at work because he works in this big office and that he is too important so he has many things to do. Or, he maybe taking care of your sister, maybe she is not feeling well so he needs to attend to her." My excuse was always the same.

Then eventually, he quitted asking. And so my son lost interest. I started noticing how he is almost forced to just put the phone against his ear in the few times that his father remembers to call him. He even begs me off, telling his Papa, "busy ako, nagpeplay ako eh. (I have to go. I'm busy playing.)" and then he hands me the phone and run away, so I just opted updating hi father about all of his antics.

My heart hurts that my son has to go through this drama, but I know that he can pull through. Every time I embrace him, I hope deep in my heart that I will be enough for him. That the people I surround him, their love and unwarranted attention, will make him feel that he is not missing anything from his life. I guess I'll just try my best to remind him all of the people who love him dearly, people who have been around when he was feeling low, people who embraced him with love, and people who make him glow with appreciation for everything that he did right.

I Focus on Me

I love helping out and doing things for others. I love taking care of my family. However, I need to also do things like work because nobody will provide for me and my son but myself. Hell! Enough with the distractions please! Yes, I feel guilty that I can't do all the things that must be done especially that everybody now is busy doing things, but I need to also earn a living because believe it or not, I AM EARNING A LIVING. So for today, amidst the chaos that others seem to think to be the only thing that's most important and the only thing that's happening in this world as of today, I guess I can say "I don't care!". I need to work on these backlogs and just be done with my obligations. Don't mess with me just today because I am pissed! For today, I'll be locked in my work bubble and I'll stay there until everything I need to do is done.

Taking Time

"Life is too short"

"You’re not getting any younger"

"What are you waiting for"

I sometimes feel guilty that I am procrastinating about certain things that I should do – with emphasis in “should” since I have certain responsibilities not only to myself but to the little boy who depend on me in every way. However, I rationalize by thinking that things really need time to get results. People may have their expectations about other people, but bottom line is that we are only responsible on how life will turn out for us. The truth is, I know what I want to do. Everything just takes time. I know a woman of my position do not have the privilege of choice to wait things out, but I am not waiting. believe it or not, I am doing something.  I was too eager to do great things in the past, so fired up that I will do something out of what I am, but look at where I ended up.

I gave up planning for the future a long time ago. Saves me from all the confusions. Saves me from all the frustrations. My mantra is take one day at a time. Knowing that I did something great each day makes me feel whole and with purpose. I may have spent a day watching movies after movies, but I did it while scanning the web for information I can use for whatever and while watching my son build a city out of egg cartons and papers and toys.

I may not have the drive that some people have, which explains their success in their endeavors. I may not have what it takes to become successful, but my success is not based on conventions. A long time ago, I have realized that life is a gift, going deep and learning small things from each day that passes makes me feel more alive. Then I imagine myself in an office, with piles of things to do and meetings to attend. I imagine myself climbing up the corporate ladder and taking trips to some other parts of the world – these are all inviting but will it make sense to me if I didn’t have the simplistic life I have now?

“Life is too short”

Then everything should make sense in life. Otherwise, what’s the point of living?

“You’re not getting any younger”

Age was never a measurement of success nor is it a limitation for things that man can do.

“What are you waiting for”

I am not waiting. I am doing something, no matter how slow or wrong or whatever it is. I make sense out of my life.

We've Got Tonight

I know it's late,I know you're weary 
I know your plans don't include me 
Still here we are, both of us lonely 
Longing for shelter from all that we see 
Why should we worry, no one will care 
Look at the stars so far away 

We've got tonight 
Who needs tomorrow? 
We've got tonight 
Why don't you stay? 

Deep in my soul, I've been so lonely 
All of my hopes, fading away 
I've longed for love, like everyone else does 
I know I'll keep searching, even after today 

So that there it is 
We've got it all now 
And here we are 
What do you say?  

Come take my hand now 
We've got tonight 
Why don't you stay? 

Feeling Old

Yes. Old. This was my first thought this morning. Not because I feel aches here and there or that I already noticed having my first facial lines, not yet. I felt old because the first thing I did coming out of bed this morning is fixing breakfast, tending to the plants and yard, running my laundry for machine wash and laying out my computer in the kitchen table while waiting for everyone to gather and start with breakfast. With a cup of joe nearby, I started skimming the morning news online. Then I thought, this is so stereotypically old. When was the last time that I just woke up then thought of where to go and how to gather my friends for some 411? I used to be so fun and so selfish and just plain focussed on how to spend the day albeit thoughts of work, child needs to get uniforms, meals to prepare for the day and other domestic stuff. Have I been so domesticated and old? Or did I just grew up to be a responsible old person. I don't blame the society for being too harsh about aging but since 30 became the new 20, I was at lost of roles... then I thought maybe I was the one just fussing about being old when what's happening is just I became responsible for many things that concerns not only myself but some other people I care about, and that I began caring for them, like I am supposed to do.

So I settled into thinking that I am just growing up, responsibly that is. Growing old, I'll get there, but it's too early for that right now.

I Feel Hot

I know it's kinda pointless complaining about the heat when other people from the other side of the world are complaining about the cold. I know no one can do something about it but the heat really gets to me, especially when I am working. It's very difficult to force your brain to work when it it practically getting fried under heat. If only I can find something like a radiator to keep things cool and bearable. Being the practical me, I don't want to be dependent on air conditioning as it will cost me BIG time! So big thanks to visualization, mediation and mind conditioning practices, I manage to bear with the heat. I even coax my son to stay in his inflatable pool just to keep cool, and also to keep him from bothering me when I am too engrossed working in my laptop. I am praying that rainy season will come sooner.

Mother Back to School

I know that it has become a privilege for modern-day mothers to be able to accompany their children to and from school, to be present in their school shows and activities and to be simply present for them...period. Now that I am under my "mother's scholarship" in pursuing my post-graduate studies in exchange of being her girl-Friday, I have the time to be an active parent for my first-grader. Now that my son has accomplished all of his admission requirements, and I am done with my own admission requirements, it's time to go shopping for uniforms and supplies. 'Must be fun.

What I look forward to this year is the chance to really pay attention to my son. Although I am a teacher, I never had the chance to really help my son study his lessons or prepare for his exams, which explains my bowling tears when he went up the stage to receive his medals during his preparatory graduation. I felt really guilty that it was the only event that I attended for him that year. But this year, things may be different. I will be in every occasion, every time, any where.

Of course, I have my own studying to do, but the great thing is that I will have my study table shared with my son. Imagine digging our noses in our own books, the quiet study time with hot cocoa on the side. Now I don't know about you but that is bliss for me. Sharing and instilling the importance of good education to your child in your own fun way!

Chasing for the BEST

Many times, my family expressed their low opinion of what I do, or maybe, their low opinion of me. I feel it whenever they turn a half ear when I am sharing about something that they might appreciate, but turned out to be just one of the nonsense I seem to always feed them. I feel it whenever they just go to the corner discuss something as if I am an imbecile. I am beginning to think that coming here in this place is a big mistake. I am sinking fast...my morale is sinking fast.

But then again, I thought, would I rather discuss with them how Google analytics work to make websites get top ranks whenever somebody uses major search engines like google, yahoo and aol? Should I discuss with them that search engine optimization is the holy grail of small businesses, particularly those that managed to earn millions of revenues in just one year? Should I discuss how to make the best tags to make any blog or website searchable and practically accessible to the people who matter? Should I discuss with them how link backs earn more readerships for PR sites, potential clients for company websites as well as how blogs turn out to be simplest yet most effective way of saving company millions of dollars in advertising-in achieving the same results-money money money? Will that make what I do more acceptable?

Yeah right they are the smart ones, that their job is the BEST, but that doesn't mean that that's what's best FOR ME.

The Job I Want...Need

I want a job that will allow me the time to send my son to school in the morning, have breakfast and dinner with him, which honestly are the only things I look forward to each day. I want a job that pays me well so I can save and finally afford to bring my son to the magnificent scenes of “Chocolate Hills”(Bohol, Philippines), an experience that I want to share with him just to prove that no matter how bleak my shots are at really doing it, I am determined to do it for him.

I want a job that allows me to work in peace, because I am a freak under pressure. I want a job that makes me feel important, if you ever know how it feels to help a company gain higher page ranking and Google recognition for searches then you know what I mean. I want a job that strictly limits itself to the 8-hour work regulation. And that’s exactly the job that I’ve got.

 I may not have colleagues to interact with or seminars to go to, but I am buck happy at keeping tabs with everything that you can do with a laptop and Internet. I am happy to work at home while having the luxury of peeking through the room to look at the programs that my son is watching on TV, or steal kisses and hugs in between. In simple words, I got the job I want. Now the only problem is enjoying it!

Mumbling...Thinking

For so long, I have been quite concerned about comparing my life with others, especially with those whom I attended school with. It gives me much concern that I might be really falling behind. You see I didn’t finish college in my “ideal” and “planned” setting. ‘Got knocked up but learned a lot. Admittedly, there are sacrifices that come as a default for young unwed mothers like me, like being slow in chasing a career. Like being unsure if this career or job would be enough to feed me and my baby, or is the job cool enough to feed my ego, which is pretty much on the sensitive side given that I felt I really missed a lot and have to make up for all of that---but I can’t.

Suddenly, as I was sweating out my first articles at work, which I did in lightning speed, I realized that this is something that I am good at. It may not be the coolest job but it is a job that I do well. It is a job that I feel really comfortable doing because it is the job that keeps me sane. Although people may disagree that this is the smartest choice of career for me, maybe I am just not who they think I am because I am happy and settled at what I do, which is actually great. So I've got to pull myself together and start smiling. I'm spending so much time worrying and being unhappy about things that should not matter. I'm getting allergies already, which according to WebMd, is a sign of stress.So wake up nutty head! Go back to work!

Writing...Again

I thought I will never come to this point again. But I am here now and I must never neglect this writing haven I have built for myself some years ago. In the coming days, I would like to do a post journal for all of the experiences I can remember from the past year. It's a pity I missed writing about so many things. Although I am quite surprised at how hard it really is to be a teacher, I have learned a lot from the experience. Now, I am back to my old job and to the work I have come to love. This must be fate working, or maybe just career decision. But all I know isI am back to writing for now. Who knows what I will do next. Sorry blog, Mama's home and I will feed you more with my memories, nonsense and everything else that made and makes my life quite a ride.

'Till next!

PS. I'll leave you to marvel at this sketch of Katniss and Peeta. May she capture your heart the same way she did to mine. She's just so lovely!