"Papa I have to go now, I'm busy..."

My son's 7th birthday is coming up and we were deciding on the guest list. Then just for pure amusement, I told my son, "what do you think about inviting your father and your other sister to the party?" Then a looong silence followed. He never answered my question, he was just silent and his serious "mafia lord" face was on, and so I dropped the subject and moved on recalling the names of his classmates.

This is what I feared the most, my son feeling so distant from his father. Since he is older now and even more aware of our family situation, I cannot do anymore damage control regarding his relationship with his father. He now can think on his own.

I remember the days when he would hound me every Monday when I arrive from school, getting my cellphone, putting it on the table and waiting for his father's promised weekly call. I used to remember his long and laud laugh whenever he realizes his father called him. I remember the squeal of delight whenever he hears his big voice. Even when he jumbles words because he speaks so fast, seems like he wanted to tell his father many things, realizing that their talk-time is limited. It was a sight that used to pinch my heart - because I felt how my son yearns for more. That this limited time they have together - I can never give him any substitute for it. And now I really want to give his father, excuse my words, a serious ass-kicking for being such an ASS.

So the calls become less and less. My heart hurts whenever my son quit waiting and playing beside the phone and tell me he's ready to sleep now. For weeks that his father forget or "was too busy" to call him, this was the sight. Then he finally asked me, "bakit di na tumatawag sa akin si Papa? (why is Papa not calling me anymore?)" I just answer him, "... maybe he is too busy at work because he works in this big office and that he is too important so he has many things to do. Or, he maybe taking care of your sister, maybe she is not feeling well so he needs to attend to her." My excuse was always the same.

Then eventually, he quitted asking. And so my son lost interest. I started noticing how he is almost forced to just put the phone against his ear in the few times that his father remembers to call him. He even begs me off, telling his Papa, "busy ako, nagpeplay ako eh. (I have to go. I'm busy playing.)" and then he hands me the phone and run away, so I just opted updating hi father about all of his antics.

My heart hurts that my son has to go through this drama, but I know that he can pull through. Every time I embrace him, I hope deep in my heart that I will be enough for him. That the people I surround him, their love and unwarranted attention, will make him feel that he is not missing anything from his life. I guess I'll just try my best to remind him all of the people who love him dearly, people who have been around when he was feeling low, people who embraced him with love, and people who make him glow with appreciation for everything that he did right.

I Focus on Me

I love helping out and doing things for others. I love taking care of my family. However, I need to also do things like work because nobody will provide for me and my son but myself. Hell! Enough with the distractions please! Yes, I feel guilty that I can't do all the things that must be done especially that everybody now is busy doing things, but I need to also earn a living because believe it or not, I AM EARNING A LIVING. So for today, amidst the chaos that others seem to think to be the only thing that's most important and the only thing that's happening in this world as of today, I guess I can say "I don't care!". I need to work on these backlogs and just be done with my obligations. Don't mess with me just today because I am pissed! For today, I'll be locked in my work bubble and I'll stay there until everything I need to do is done.

Taking Time

"Life is too short"

"You’re not getting any younger"

"What are you waiting for"

I sometimes feel guilty that I am procrastinating about certain things that I should do – with emphasis in “should” since I have certain responsibilities not only to myself but to the little boy who depend on me in every way. However, I rationalize by thinking that things really need time to get results. People may have their expectations about other people, but bottom line is that we are only responsible on how life will turn out for us. The truth is, I know what I want to do. Everything just takes time. I know a woman of my position do not have the privilege of choice to wait things out, but I am not waiting. believe it or not, I am doing something.  I was too eager to do great things in the past, so fired up that I will do something out of what I am, but look at where I ended up.

I gave up planning for the future a long time ago. Saves me from all the confusions. Saves me from all the frustrations. My mantra is take one day at a time. Knowing that I did something great each day makes me feel whole and with purpose. I may have spent a day watching movies after movies, but I did it while scanning the web for information I can use for whatever and while watching my son build a city out of egg cartons and papers and toys.

I may not have the drive that some people have, which explains their success in their endeavors. I may not have what it takes to become successful, but my success is not based on conventions. A long time ago, I have realized that life is a gift, going deep and learning small things from each day that passes makes me feel more alive. Then I imagine myself in an office, with piles of things to do and meetings to attend. I imagine myself climbing up the corporate ladder and taking trips to some other parts of the world – these are all inviting but will it make sense to me if I didn’t have the simplistic life I have now?

“Life is too short”

Then everything should make sense in life. Otherwise, what’s the point of living?

“You’re not getting any younger”

Age was never a measurement of success nor is it a limitation for things that man can do.

“What are you waiting for”

I am not waiting. I am doing something, no matter how slow or wrong or whatever it is. I make sense out of my life.

We've Got Tonight

I know it's late,I know you're weary 
I know your plans don't include me 
Still here we are, both of us lonely 
Longing for shelter from all that we see 
Why should we worry, no one will care 
Look at the stars so far away 

We've got tonight 
Who needs tomorrow? 
We've got tonight 
Why don't you stay? 

Deep in my soul, I've been so lonely 
All of my hopes, fading away 
I've longed for love, like everyone else does 
I know I'll keep searching, even after today 

So that there it is 
We've got it all now 
And here we are 
What do you say?  

Come take my hand now 
We've got tonight 
Why don't you stay? 

Feeling Old

Yes. Old. This was my first thought this morning. Not because I feel aches here and there or that I already noticed having my first facial lines, not yet. I felt old because the first thing I did coming out of bed this morning is fixing breakfast, tending to the plants and yard, running my laundry for machine wash and laying out my computer in the kitchen table while waiting for everyone to gather and start with breakfast. With a cup of joe nearby, I started skimming the morning news online. Then I thought, this is so stereotypically old. When was the last time that I just woke up then thought of where to go and how to gather my friends for some 411? I used to be so fun and so selfish and just plain focussed on how to spend the day albeit thoughts of work, child needs to get uniforms, meals to prepare for the day and other domestic stuff. Have I been so domesticated and old? Or did I just grew up to be a responsible old person. I don't blame the society for being too harsh about aging but since 30 became the new 20, I was at lost of roles... then I thought maybe I was the one just fussing about being old when what's happening is just I became responsible for many things that concerns not only myself but some other people I care about, and that I began caring for them, like I am supposed to do.

So I settled into thinking that I am just growing up, responsibly that is. Growing old, I'll get there, but it's too early for that right now.

I Feel Hot

I know it's kinda pointless complaining about the heat when other people from the other side of the world are complaining about the cold. I know no one can do something about it but the heat really gets to me, especially when I am working. It's very difficult to force your brain to work when it it practically getting fried under heat. If only I can find something like a radiator to keep things cool and bearable. Being the practical me, I don't want to be dependent on air conditioning as it will cost me BIG time! So big thanks to visualization, mediation and mind conditioning practices, I manage to bear with the heat. I even coax my son to stay in his inflatable pool just to keep cool, and also to keep him from bothering me when I am too engrossed working in my laptop. I am praying that rainy season will come sooner.

Mother Back to School

I know that it has become a privilege for modern-day mothers to be able to accompany their children to and from school, to be present in their school shows and activities and to be simply present for them...period. Now that I am under my "mother's scholarship" in pursuing my post-graduate studies in exchange of being her girl-Friday, I have the time to be an active parent for my first-grader. Now that my son has accomplished all of his admission requirements, and I am done with my own admission requirements, it's time to go shopping for uniforms and supplies. 'Must be fun.

What I look forward to this year is the chance to really pay attention to my son. Although I am a teacher, I never had the chance to really help my son study his lessons or prepare for his exams, which explains my bowling tears when he went up the stage to receive his medals during his preparatory graduation. I felt really guilty that it was the only event that I attended for him that year. But this year, things may be different. I will be in every occasion, every time, any where.

Of course, I have my own studying to do, but the great thing is that I will have my study table shared with my son. Imagine digging our noses in our own books, the quiet study time with hot cocoa on the side. Now I don't know about you but that is bliss for me. Sharing and instilling the importance of good education to your child in your own fun way!