Inspiration

So work tells me to make something inspirational, something that is a tribute for father’s day and parenting. I can do the parenting part but the inspirational and the father’s day tribute would be a challenge. So I promised myself that if I would manage to finish something good out of the two topics, I am definitely one hell of a writer. For one thing, I don’t have a real father figure and I have got the worse and worst examples of fathers in my life so how about that for an inspiration?

In many ways, writing for me is one way of getting into a life that is apart from my own. Being a writer, you can explore the emotions of someone who might be there and is suffering there. If you are living a messed up life, writing about light stuff and happy things creates an escape that allows you to feel better about yourself, even for the slightest bit of moment. The only consolation we have is that we get to live the best and the worst out of life, through experiences or through pure imagination.

As a writer, I am sometimes asked to write about things and ideas that I do not exactly believe in. I am sometimes asked write about things that do not make any sense to me, and make them seem bigger and more important than they actually are. This is forever the challenge that we, writers face each day. But hell, I wouldn’t want any other job anyway.

Glum

I feel like crap. If only I know where I should go or what I should to brighten up my today. My mood is gloomy as the weather and my thoughts are floating in limbo. Thankfully, it is still capable of composing a blog post. Days like this make me sucker punch myself so I would get back to my productive buzz. I don’t wanna ruin today because of this occasional blues. If there is only a drug for this ‘illness’ I could have already taken it….as in right now!

Smug

Why should I be jealous of what you have? Do you even realize what you have put yourself into?

Let me break it down to you girl...

1. A boyfriend that actually does not own up to you.
2. Friends that claim you are a bad person behind your back.
3. Friends that claim to be appalled at what your ‘interesting’ preferences and actions yet have the nerve to tolerate them.
4. A family that despises you to your core for tarnishing their name and causing them shame.
5. Personal satisfaction based on things that equate to things money can buy...your user-friendly boyfriend for one.
6. A failed marriage to a man that thankfully has come to his senses.
7. Acquaintances that have lost respect at your ‘interesting acts’.
8. People you don’t know judging you as an abomination to the life of the people you love.
9. And a life-long struggle of not discovering that you built up your world with these things and these kinds of people around you.

Now tell me, what should I be jealous about? And you have the nerve to call me pathetic? Oh please. There are so many things in life to be smug about but hanging on to what you truly have is not something that appeals to my taste.

Sick!

Everyone in the house is sick. Thanks to NJ's nasty flu virus, I am now suffering my bouts of tingling sensations which go along with high temp and runny nose and did I include my seemingly endless and uncontrollable sneezing. Also, add in some head cracking pain...Boy that was nasty.

After spending about two nights monitoring NJ's breathing (asthma), I am now down with colds. The dry heat in our house only made us more uncomfortable.

After downing about two liters of pineapple juice and a failed attempt of sleeping, I still feel the runny nasty nose. I just hate this feeling. Whoever loved being sick anyway?

The Day Fear Comes

My son is definitely getting smarter and smarter each day. As more days pass, the more questions he asks. It is expected from him to be curious about our living setup, but thank God he is not asking questions yet. He never got to live with his Papa, that’s why. He is what they say, ‘an absentee parent’ but a parent still, well I suppose he still wants to be. It’s just that I am bothered how am I going to explain his absence when the time comes that he asks. Should I say straightforward that his Papa does not want me anymore and that he needs to stick with me because I am the better parent for him as of now? Now that’s too depressing. In my case, that is.

I am not feeling self-righteous here but I just couldn’t find the right words yet. I don't wanna pass blame either because I was involved in this from the very start. I just want to be prepared to answer all his questions.

To tell you honestly, that day when he starts asking me questions about our family is one of my dreaded moments. Until today, I still don’t know how to do it. What I know is that I tried my hardest to prevent putting my son and myself in this position. I did, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn't enough to convince that one person we sort of depend on…to stay…for our family. We were left behind and that’s the truth, but I can't find the words or the subtlety put put that thought into words. What a mess.

By that time comes, I know that I will just find the words to say. I really really hope so. Because at this rate, that day will be soon. I fear that I might harbor ill-feelings, but I guess a toddler is not yet capable of that. Perhaps I just have to trust this little tyrant to understand that not all the things we wanted in life has to happen. Life is just that way, you will never know what you are going to get or lose, regardless of how hard you have tried and how much you have fought for it -- in life, sometimes you just lose because you lose, even without a fair fight. And lastly, nothing is fair in life, but that does not excuse you from being the cause of any of it.

Apparently, all he has is ME. I hope that will do.

Persistence

My son should be my model of persistence. Earlier this morning, after his tutoring class, he came home surprisingly very quiet. he laid down his "mall" pants and shirt and shoes, took a shower and put on his underwear, all on his own. He even yanked his towel on the clothesline, all on his own. I did not pay too much attention to what he was doing because I was working with my laptop. He just did and then I was a bit surprised that he suddenly came by my side, tugging my arm. "Mama, I am ready to go to Legazpi." I did not promise him to go out today. He just thought of that, went on his way and just informed me, "Mama we are going to the mall in Legazpi." I was left stunned. He fixed everything himself. He even had my blouse and shorts laid out in my bed. At barely five years old, this little tyrant surprises me everyday, much more NOW.

I was just impressed about his guts. and then I thought, why can't I go like that. Wherever did he get such a commanding attitude when all I wanted is to be invisible for all my life.

Spread my Wings and Fly

I used to be the one who carry the weight of the world, but suddenly I realized many things that brought more meaning into my life. Now, everything that I have been dreaming of and everything that I wanted to do … I will soon begin to chase them all.

For the longest time, I was always afraid…of failure, of disappointment and of not meeting expectations. Then suddenly I realized that I had the most expectation of myself and that’s what keeps me from forgiving ME in all the wrong decisions I have made. Old memories always bothered me. I long for the happy ones and I loathe the ones who have caused those trying times. I was then so ashamed of everything about myself. I saw nothing to be proud of, nothing to brag about, nothing to even keep my head up and look at people in the eyes. Those times were such a waste. Past is past and the beginning of a much better life starts now. I am starting it now and everything else will be left behind. The past may be past, but it is a piece of my life. It goes with shadows, which I can turn to but will never get to become ever again…I hope.

“I used to carry the weight of the world, and now I wanna do is spread my wings and fly” - Chantal Kreviazuk

Procrastinate

Okay, I admit that most of the time, I am full of conceit especially when it comes to work. What can I do, I just give it my all and that makes me confident about the quality of what I have accomplished every day. However, there are times that the assignment given to me, the topic specifically, is something that I know nothing about. What kills me is that I just don’t know how to start…or should I say…my mind refuses to ‘jumpstart’ its flow of creative ideas. I don’t know how to make my attack, especially when the topic is something that is really far from my interests. But time and time again, assignments like this seem like a call for me to go out of my comfort zone. It is a call for growth. Sometimes, when you get used to dealing with things that are familiar, you get to miss out all of the challenges that comes with writing. So I suppose this is a call for a sort of growth, in terms of my writing skills. Oh boy I hope I can finish them today. so much for growth…argh!

Summer Bonding

I spent the whole day bonding with my family yesterday. Also, I spent the whole day running around, watching over my son. We went to this island. The family just grew tired of making rounds at local resorts, so we decided to hit the islands. And boy, what a day that was!

As soon as the boat hit the sand, there goes my energetic son, instantly soaking in the warm water of the beach. So even if I haven’t yet applied our sunblock, I went in soaking in the water with my little tyrant, throwing out my bag by the shore. Hastily inflating his floaters and life jacket…he does not know how to swim you know. So as the ever protective mother, I got him settled with a life jacket and donut floater. Even if I did not plan to soak myself dry in seawater, or even stay out in the sun for bloody hours, I was there, watching and wishing for my little tyrant would quickly grow tired of the waters.


The gods must have been listening to my plead. Not that my son decided to rest even for a bit. It rained, which kept me cool…and wet…and still running after my naughty son. Soaked with rainwater and saltwater, yeah, everything’s good I guess. I got him hitched in a boat ride that my sisters and I paddled through the water. Boy I never flexed so many muscles for so long, so we eventually gave up and delivered my little tyrant, who was still enjoying the ride and refused to go back to shore, to land. So there goes a long tantrum episode. The little one cried and shouted his lungs out just to make his point. Well, I can’t go back to the boat. I can’t paddle no more. As a mother, tantrums are something that irritates me most. But years of practice taught me to just don’t make a big deal out of it. Just let him be. As I have expected, he grew tired and decided to shut up after a few minutes of motherly neglect.

After mother-and-son had a feast at lunch, we were back to our levelheaded selves. Bad moods were miraculously driven away. So we were up to a hike. Mother-and-son climbed our way up in the island mountain. On our way up, he throws me all the trivial “why” questions he can think off, making me grow tired physically and mentally. Keeping up with his antics is a sure challenge. Sweating and tired, we also talked and sang our way on top of the mountain to keep him motivated to climb (we are talking about more than a hundred steps up the mountain). As we reached the top of the island mountain, we were greeted by such a magnificent nature view. Then suddenly, the boy commented “Ganda Mama!” (This is beautiful mama). I was surprised to know that my son can now appreciate things like that. And yes, he hiked his own steps on top without my help. As we traced our way back to shore, the little tyrant was still on his own two feet. Still on his “bakit ganito-bakit ganyan” (just some old kid “why” questions) mode, we counted our steps and sang some silly songs to keep him from asking me a piggy back ride.

On our way home, we asked for our motor boat to go around the surrounding islands, or islets? The little tyrant was still surprisingly awake and still paying attention to all the activities around him. I know he is sleepy but he is a kid. He has a lot of energy to expend. We all were once like that and I seem to kind of miss that.

More than the views or the adventurous activities we did at the beach, what I appreciated most is surviving the day with my son. Not that I was the perfect mother but I do realize that we needed this time. He is growing up too fast. Even if he lives with me, seems like I don’t pay much attention to the changes in his personality. So spending a day with him is a real discovery. I want to do this more often. Trips like that make me realize that all the things I was looking for were right in front of me. This little tyrant with a beaming smile, or smirk I suppose, brings but a handful of the love, adventure and mystery that would keep my mind occupied for all my life.