High School Reunion Coming Up

My high school reunion is coming up…I do admit that I am a little anxious about meeting my batch mates. But then again, I realized what reunions are meant for. It is for bonding. It is a time to recall the awkward moments of your high school life. To some, it might be an opportunity to relive the few glorious years in their life. To some, it is a time to meet their old flame. To some, it is the time to catch up with dear high school friends, whom they have shared their key moments like first date, first boyfriend, first heartache and first everything. To me, I see it as an opportunity to rediscover myself.

After high school, I have been quite a lost soul. Yes I did make good grades and placed myself in a reputable school but nothing seemed to work. The thing is, I was just deeply lost and I don’t know where to turn to during those times. So what happened is kind of predictable. I messed up my life.

I enlisted the wrong course. I fell in love with the wrong person. I had an untimely pregnancy and until now, I am making up for all those mistakes. But then, if those things did not happen, I would never be the focused person that I am today. I will never be this secure woman who is slowly forgiving herself for having all things wrong in her life, the woman who knows what she wants and how to get those wants.

So enough of the whining, I am coming to this reunion to meet old friends, meet new people and just be confident of what I have become. One thing I am never good at is pretending that I am something other than myself...so no choice, I have to deal with that. I admit, the feeling of anticipation and anxiety is a little bit unnerving. But I can live with that. For now, I am putting my head out on what I should wear to at least be decent for the occasion…’till then.

Free to Love

Being free of the past is something that most people struggle achieving. It is never an easy thing to come to terms with. When all the hurt has run its course, what results is a feeling of freedom from everything that made you miserable for so long.

It’s been a year since the roller coaster ride of emotions and unwelcome thoughts flooded my being. The realization of truth in your life is something that will always catch you off guard. But though the truth may have caused you everything you have built and dreamed of having, it made you a better person despite of all the pain. It made you discover some parts of your life that you never thought you were capable of doing…or never thought of forgiving.

Love is a strong word that most people use for the most trivial things. Because of that, it becomes tarnished by all worldly meaning…with which it loses its essence. Once, I have seen love as a pure emotion, something that must never be called upon until finally realized. Now, even with all the pain it has brought me, I am glad that the word still remains pure in my heart.

Love, I will find it in my own time. With its different facets, I will survive the spontaneity of life. I would rather have it pure than just come in passing. I would rather not have it all, than just having it played with. My heart has grown resilient and I still welcome love in its forms. I am not afraid anymore. I am not lurking anymore. I am not moping anymore. I am free at last. My heart is open to see the world in a different light.

For Sandra

I love Sandra Bullock more than Angelina Jolie. I relate more to her simplicity and easygoing personality. I have also watched more Sandra movies than Angelina, most of which are relatable and oddly in parallel with my life. And so I was too glad that she won this year’s best actress award in the recently concluded Oscars event.

But after the news of Sandra Bullock’s big win in the Oscars, the devastating news hits Hollywood about the alleged affair between Jesse James, Sandra’s husband, and a trashy tattoo model. I just thought all is well with this celebrity couple. They seemed to be well meshed. Sandra even insists on mothering Jesse’s daughter from his first wife. And she really went low profile for a while to be more focused on her married life. In one interview, I even remember her saying a line that resembles the message, “marriage is overrated”. But having met Jesse, seemed like she had all her views changed. It really takes something for a man to change a woman’s view, especially her view on marriage. In the past, I remember Sandra saying that she might not even get married…but she did. But what could have turned him into this?

Now, this thing happens. I am so not the person to throw judgment but then, what happened only made me cynical about marriage. What’s kind of the point now? If everyone can’t even love and be loved enough to stay loyal, then what’s kind of the point in saying those cliché taken vows.

Good thing this happened amidst a momentous event in Sandra’s life, but the pain simmers down to those who were done such in the downest deepest struggling points of their lives. At least she has her Oscar trophy to sleep by. Perhaps this calls for a little adjustment on one’s perspective. I just don’t know what to make of marriages at all. All I see about it is anything but commitment, trust, honesty and emotional security, which are supposed to be the very foundations of it.

I just don’t know what to make of it.

I am so sorry for Sandra. But I believe everything happens for a reason…and so they shall be revealed in time.

I Hate Salons ... Period!

If only karma would act that instant, lightning could have bolted out from my eyes. You see, I have been growing my hair long…only to be chop chopped by some incompetent lady who claims to be a hairdresser in a style that I did not even like…because it was just the way I have worn my hair for forever…short and shaggy.

For months, I have been growing my hair hoping to make a change, only to be brought back to the hairstyle that I have started from. Some plan huh?! I was happy my hair was already up to my shoulders. Now, it is back to where it was, neck-length. Argh!

Do I take any consolation? No. I even indulged for a hair spa treatment only to be left on that freakin’ machine for almost two hours. I am not an expert but I know that that treatment isn’t supposed to take that long. I just hated the experience and it only solidified my impression of salons. Better do it yourself, at least you wouldn’t give yourself the kind of treatment that you wouldn’t like.

I just hate that salon…utterly hate it!

Now I am back to growing back my hair. Boy I am sooo not doing salons next time!

Here is the Official Eclipse Trailer

This is it!
This is really...is it!!!

Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Here is ten seconds of the latest Twilight installment...the Eclipse.

Things I used to Love

I was thinking about the things I used to do and the reasons why I don’t do them now. Have I forgotten them? Or was it a choice?

I used to draw, dance, sing and play the guitar during my free hours. Whenever I want lose weight, I secretly danced jazz inside my room to break sweat. Whenever I feel the frustration and overwhelming disappointment about things in my life, I have my guitar to pass time with. Whenever I have dark thoughts filling my mind, I get my charcoal pencil and draw an outline of a naked girl/man embracing himself/herself in solitude. My young life went that way. But as I grew older, I seem to have lost the time and interest doing the things I used to find joy doing. Even if I force myself to draw, it wasn’t as good as before. Even if I attempt to play the guitar, it wasn’t as good as before. Dancing gives me even more disappointment, I couldn’t find the rhythm anymore.

People change, grow older and mature. It is a basic law of nature. But I was just surprised thinking that I used to be good in these things. Now, I suck at doing them. I could not understand why. But what I know is that the joy those activities brought me were replaced by activities and concerns that goes with age. As I faced responsibilities and adversities in life, I seem to have lost the little things I used to enjoy. As the famous Joker said, “why so serious?” Yeah, maybe I got too serious, but what am I to do if I am given these overwhelming obligations in my hands. Wouldn’t you be serious if it happened to you?

The lesson I suppose is that as we mature and take on life’s challenges, we sometimes lose part of ourselves that used to be fun and full of life. We tend to lose ourselves in our circumstances, and we forget coming back to ourselves, we tend to get stuck at the mature role that we have come to embrace. Maybe in that role, dancing, singing, drawing and doing any or your hobbies would be ludicrous and childish. But come to think about it, what’s the harm of doing those things if doing those things will help you remember the time when everything was simple and happiness was easier to attain?

to Love again

Have you ever dealt with trust issues? Now that I am making a few attempts to turn my life around, back to the way I was once, I find it hard to trust people. I was thinking that every candidate who approaches me will only hurt me in the end. If you just came out from a relationship in which you gave your all, it is so hard to trust love…to trust yourself to love again. I guess it’s normal, but I don’t want to linger on this issue any longer.

Maybe I haven’t forgiven myself yet. That’s why it is so hard for me to trust…trust myself to trust other people with my heart again, being too afraid of getting hurt again. But maybe, just maybe, if the feeling is right, I guess I wouldn’t have to deal with these conflicting emotions anymore. I guess if the right one comes, I would say “to hell with everything”. And then, shall I see myself happy again, without any ounce of worry. The thing is, I have survived a few deathly heartaches. Whatever can I not survive now?

Be free, soar beyond expectations. Free yourself to feel.

My wish

If you are given one single wish, what would you wish for?

Right now? I would wish for that necklace that Hermione used in the third Harry Potter book/movie. If I would ask for anything, it would be the power to have as much time as I can to do everything that I needed to do. You see, my body is already giving in to fatigue. What’s holding me up is the sheer drive to get all these things done and over with.

Yesterday, I cried myself to sleep. Not that I am hurting or anything, not that I am thinking of heartaches or anything, I didn’t even have the time to deal with that. I am just plain tired. I have tons of things to do but my body can’t bear some more. If only I can have the energy of two persons so I can do many things at a time. Do you ever wish for a thing like that to happen? I sure do.