The Day Fear Comes

My son is definitely getting smarter and smarter each day. As more days pass, the more questions he asks. It is expected from him to be curious about our living setup, but thank God he is not asking questions yet. He never got to live with his Papa, that’s why. He is what they say, ‘an absentee parent’ but a parent still, well I suppose he still wants to be. It’s just that I am bothered how am I going to explain his absence when the time comes that he asks. Should I say straightforward that his Papa does not want me anymore and that he needs to stick with me because I am the better parent for him as of now? Now that’s too depressing. In my case, that is.

I am not feeling self-righteous here but I just couldn’t find the right words yet. I don't wanna pass blame either because I was involved in this from the very start. I just want to be prepared to answer all his questions.

To tell you honestly, that day when he starts asking me questions about our family is one of my dreaded moments. Until today, I still don’t know how to do it. What I know is that I tried my hardest to prevent putting my son and myself in this position. I did, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn't enough to convince that one person we sort of depend on…to stay…for our family. We were left behind and that’s the truth, but I can't find the words or the subtlety put put that thought into words. What a mess.

By that time comes, I know that I will just find the words to say. I really really hope so. Because at this rate, that day will be soon. I fear that I might harbor ill-feelings, but I guess a toddler is not yet capable of that. Perhaps I just have to trust this little tyrant to understand that not all the things we wanted in life has to happen. Life is just that way, you will never know what you are going to get or lose, regardless of how hard you have tried and how much you have fought for it -- in life, sometimes you just lose because you lose, even without a fair fight. And lastly, nothing is fair in life, but that does not excuse you from being the cause of any of it.

Apparently, all he has is ME. I hope that will do.