Positive Light

Now, enough of the pessimism. In my world, I can't seem to understand why I have dealt with my life and how I continuously survive with all the negativity I carry around. I am not saying that I am a negative person through and through but most of the days, I am.

and so, after a week-long thinking I have realized one important thing...you see, I have made a list of the happy and sad memories I had with my previously ended relationship...I hope you are curious of what I have found out?

assuming you are, I have found out that I have 3+ sheets pages of sadness and only one page happy times (by yellow paper standards)

of course, I have weighted the level of intensity at which those emotions have battled. still, the sadness outweighed the happy times...listing everything is an eye opening experience for me. It did not include giving of material things, I was just guided by my emotions and perceptions of the years and experienced we had. Boy I got myself fooled, I though I was happy when I am not.

ever since my buboy NJ was born, I have realized that my flaws and his flaws got more pronounced...YES PEOPLE, MORE PRONOUNCED. we were put in an overly awkward situation that tested our strengths and convictions...I never said I did everything right...but the thing is, I try each day to make things right...and I am making progress...whereas the other party, I can't say much...

FLAWS GOT MORE PRONOUNCED....

even then, he never helped me get through the deepest darkest points of life (which mostly involved my unplanned pregnancy, and loads of life dramas)...during the weakest points of my life, he was never there (partly because I never reached out, for what it's worth, why should I if I known it won't do any good)I fact, he was partly the reason behind those weak points, which I survived alone...

Anyhow, I was just surprised to be clinging into something that was practically worthless...a dream that's supposed to mean something but not really...

I was just plain fool, but this fool shall be no fool for life...
this fool will learn...this fool will find somebody who will see the value in her...
I refuse to be taken for granted...because I am worth something...

I DESPERATELY BELIEVE...I AM WORTH SOMETHING...

I know I am not the only one experiencing this...but tonight, I'd like to remain positive for a change...

hope and faith in life, I am hanging by the threads

I know things will be better...in time