I am plain Sick

I really find it very difficult to be a responsible parent when I am dealing with something bigger than me, something that has done me wrong, something that I don't deserve. I find it hard to decide on whether or not to free all my rage because if I do, my being a responsible parent will be compromised. I find it difficult, I can't breathe. I got all my muscles tensed up, I could kill a crow. It's so hard to bear and live with the frustration and disapointment while saving an ounce of respect...for my son's father.

I am in rage. I am appalled. Although I expected things like "disgusting other woman" happens in the moment of weakness, I just can't help feel being human, I can't help feeling the emotions that comes with betrayal...it sickens me...it sickens me to my core. It has twisted me to bits I want to scream and shout out how you have killed a part of me...if only I can shout the words I wanted to say...if only I can lambaste you will all the disgusting words I know just to make you feel how I am sickened, while still setting a good example to my boy...my shame to world is how you got me fooled for somebody that is exactly not YOU.

I just hope all the pain is worth it. Every time I am fighting the tears to fall in front of my son, something inside me dies. Every time he smiles at me, I see your face...if only I can make him look like me, even just a little. Of what am I punished for? Why am I given this lifetime torture? What did I do to deserve something like this? Haven't I got enough? What else is there threaten the simple pleasures I enjoy in my life. Every time I am confronted with the fact that I cannot shield my son from a monster like you, I feel so frustrated I so wanted to twist your neck...I hope it's worth it.

Why me? God why me? Why is it always me? Why does it have to be me? I am so sick of this!!! I'm so goddamn sick!!!argh!!