whining about struggling

Sometimes, I have a gut feeling that I am letting myself miss so many things because I am always this person who deals with responsibilities and obligations first. Sometimes, I ponder on whether or not I must also allot time to enjoy time with friends or spend idle times doing stupid things, doing nothing, but I always end up feeling guilty and thinking of the things I should have done during those times…because that’s what a responsible person should do. Sometimes, I think I am taking my being “responsible” a little too seriously. I know I have a lot of things to do but I get it that my life isn’t just about doing responsible and mature things. I am also entitled to make my own mistakes. So whenever I am out to have fun, I forget all control and just lose myself to the moment, which is really stupid. But hey, I am entitled to my dose of stupidity once in a while.

 I just want to feel alive. I want to become the person who is not afraid to do things on my own and to love despite of and regardless of. I want to be able to do things my way, where I will only answer to my own decisions and not make them just to be approved of or please other people. I want to be fearless in embracing life, its flaws and all. I want to be fun. I really need some ME time….bad!