Flutter

A glimmer of light, a flutter of emotion- I seem to miss the days when I took for granted the feeling of excitement of hoping for something great. I missed the days of looking forward to the unknown. As I grew older, I grew more anxious about the future. It seems like I hope the rest of my life will be spent "today". I stopped hoping. I stopped dreaming. I became fearful instead of bold. I became cautious instead of outrageous. I used to be bold and courageous. Now, I felt I lost all the fun and exciting things about my life. I live each day alone. I live each day catering to what needs to be done. I have given up the privilege of doing what I want, a long time ago. Now, It's always about what's needed to be done. A common theme of grown up whines. But all the more that life makes me feel this is my reality. I hope a flutter of something I have in the past would suffice to let me hope again, look forward to anything again, dream again... live a little bit more.

Mother and I

My relationship with my mother is one that I can compare with marriage. The only difference is that with marriage, you get to choose the person you will commit your 'lifetime' with. But, if I would have to choose a mother, I honestly wouldn’t choose someone like her. 

Now my mother is far from the ideal mother that you may have in mind. She does not even meet the ‘average’ mother category, but that is not to say that she is the worst. Although she had her promiscuous years and she had done things that made her easy to hate, she is the mother that I have. Surprisingly, no matter how we disagree and fight, I honestly love my mother.

As I look back, I was equally stubborn to her as she is to my ‘advice’. I even come to the point of harming myself just so I would force her to see things my way. Through it all, she was the only one who stuck with me through everything wrong I have done. She was as messed up as I was.

Now, I had the chance to live with her again, this time that I have found my own pace and direction in life. Although the situation somehow limited my freedom to go as I please, being all grown up with my own child in tow, I decided to be with her. I know she needed me and even if she doesn’t show it, she needed my guidance. She is making a conscious effort to correct and make up for all her past mistakes and hurt caused in our family. She needed me to see how hard she is trying, and I am happy to be with her through the process.

Sometimes, my mother drives me crazy with her boisterous chatter and somehow out of this world assumptions about people and about life. It’s pretty much living with a tactless kid who is so stubborn to even listen to you. But at the end of the day, I am happy to make her feel that she is making progress, growing up while growing older, as I am happy to also learn valuable and sometimes crazy insights from her, which I will treasure for all my life. 

Happy 7th Birthday Day Son!

Every year, on your birthday,

I think about how glad I am

that you were born,

how thankful I am to have you in my life.

Every year is another year

filled with the special joys you bring

just by being yourself.

Every year, when you open your birthday gifts,

realize what a gift you are

to everyone who knows you,

especially me.

Happy Birthday!

"Papa I have to go now, I'm busy..."

My son's 7th birthday is coming up and we were deciding on the guest list. Then just for pure amusement, I told my son, "what do you think about inviting your father and your other sister to the party?" Then a looong silence followed. He never answered my question, he was just silent and his serious "mafia lord" face was on, and so I dropped the subject and moved on recalling the names of his classmates.

This is what I feared the most, my son feeling so distant from his father. Since he is older now and even more aware of our family situation, I cannot do anymore damage control regarding his relationship with his father. He now can think on his own.

I remember the days when he would hound me every Monday when I arrive from school, getting my cellphone, putting it on the table and waiting for his father's promised weekly call. I used to remember his long and laud laugh whenever he realizes his father called him. I remember the squeal of delight whenever he hears his big voice. Even when he jumbles words because he speaks so fast, seems like he wanted to tell his father many things, realizing that their talk-time is limited. It was a sight that used to pinch my heart - because I felt how my son yearns for more. That this limited time they have together - I can never give him any substitute for it. And now I really want to give his father, excuse my words, a serious ass-kicking for being such an ASS.

So the calls become less and less. My heart hurts whenever my son quit waiting and playing beside the phone and tell me he's ready to sleep now. For weeks that his father forget or "was too busy" to call him, this was the sight. Then he finally asked me, "bakit di na tumatawag sa akin si Papa? (why is Papa not calling me anymore?)" I just answer him, "... maybe he is too busy at work because he works in this big office and that he is too important so he has many things to do. Or, he maybe taking care of your sister, maybe she is not feeling well so he needs to attend to her." My excuse was always the same.

Then eventually, he quitted asking. And so my son lost interest. I started noticing how he is almost forced to just put the phone against his ear in the few times that his father remembers to call him. He even begs me off, telling his Papa, "busy ako, nagpeplay ako eh. (I have to go. I'm busy playing.)" and then he hands me the phone and run away, so I just opted updating hi father about all of his antics.

My heart hurts that my son has to go through this drama, but I know that he can pull through. Every time I embrace him, I hope deep in my heart that I will be enough for him. That the people I surround him, their love and unwarranted attention, will make him feel that he is not missing anything from his life. I guess I'll just try my best to remind him all of the people who love him dearly, people who have been around when he was feeling low, people who embraced him with love, and people who make him glow with appreciation for everything that he did right.

I Focus on Me

I love helping out and doing things for others. I love taking care of my family. However, I need to also do things like work because nobody will provide for me and my son but myself. Hell! Enough with the distractions please! Yes, I feel guilty that I can't do all the things that must be done especially that everybody now is busy doing things, but I need to also earn a living because believe it or not, I AM EARNING A LIVING. So for today, amidst the chaos that others seem to think to be the only thing that's most important and the only thing that's happening in this world as of today, I guess I can say "I don't care!". I need to work on these backlogs and just be done with my obligations. Don't mess with me just today because I am pissed! For today, I'll be locked in my work bubble and I'll stay there until everything I need to do is done.

Taking Time

"Life is too short"

"You’re not getting any younger"

"What are you waiting for"

I sometimes feel guilty that I am procrastinating about certain things that I should do – with emphasis in “should” since I have certain responsibilities not only to myself but to the little boy who depend on me in every way. However, I rationalize by thinking that things really need time to get results. People may have their expectations about other people, but bottom line is that we are only responsible on how life will turn out for us. The truth is, I know what I want to do. Everything just takes time. I know a woman of my position do not have the privilege of choice to wait things out, but I am not waiting. believe it or not, I am doing something.  I was too eager to do great things in the past, so fired up that I will do something out of what I am, but look at where I ended up.

I gave up planning for the future a long time ago. Saves me from all the confusions. Saves me from all the frustrations. My mantra is take one day at a time. Knowing that I did something great each day makes me feel whole and with purpose. I may have spent a day watching movies after movies, but I did it while scanning the web for information I can use for whatever and while watching my son build a city out of egg cartons and papers and toys.

I may not have the drive that some people have, which explains their success in their endeavors. I may not have what it takes to become successful, but my success is not based on conventions. A long time ago, I have realized that life is a gift, going deep and learning small things from each day that passes makes me feel more alive. Then I imagine myself in an office, with piles of things to do and meetings to attend. I imagine myself climbing up the corporate ladder and taking trips to some other parts of the world – these are all inviting but will it make sense to me if I didn’t have the simplistic life I have now?

“Life is too short”

Then everything should make sense in life. Otherwise, what’s the point of living?

“You’re not getting any younger”

Age was never a measurement of success nor is it a limitation for things that man can do.

“What are you waiting for”

I am not waiting. I am doing something, no matter how slow or wrong or whatever it is. I make sense out of my life.

Feeling Old

Yes. Old. This was my first thought this morning. Not because I feel aches here and there or that I already noticed having my first facial lines, not yet. I felt old because the first thing I did coming out of bed this morning is fixing breakfast, tending to the plants and yard, running my laundry for machine wash and laying out my computer in the kitchen table while waiting for everyone to gather and start with breakfast. With a cup of joe nearby, I started skimming the morning news online. Then I thought, this is so stereotypically old. When was the last time that I just woke up then thought of where to go and how to gather my friends for some 411? I used to be so fun and so selfish and just plain focussed on how to spend the day albeit thoughts of work, child needs to get uniforms, meals to prepare for the day and other domestic stuff. Have I been so domesticated and old? Or did I just grew up to be a responsible old person. I don't blame the society for being too harsh about aging but since 30 became the new 20, I was at lost of roles... then I thought maybe I was the one just fussing about being old when what's happening is just I became responsible for many things that concerns not only myself but some other people I care about, and that I began caring for them, like I am supposed to do.

So I settled into thinking that I am just growing up, responsibly that is. Growing old, I'll get there, but it's too early for that right now.

Mother Back to School

I know that it has become a privilege for modern-day mothers to be able to accompany their children to and from school, to be present in their school shows and activities and to be simply present for them...period. Now that I am under my "mother's scholarship" in pursuing my post-graduate studies in exchange of being her girl-Friday, I have the time to be an active parent for my first-grader. Now that my son has accomplished all of his admission requirements, and I am done with my own admission requirements, it's time to go shopping for uniforms and supplies. 'Must be fun.

What I look forward to this year is the chance to really pay attention to my son. Although I am a teacher, I never had the chance to really help my son study his lessons or prepare for his exams, which explains my bowling tears when he went up the stage to receive his medals during his preparatory graduation. I felt really guilty that it was the only event that I attended for him that year. But this year, things may be different. I will be in every occasion, every time, any where.

Of course, I have my own studying to do, but the great thing is that I will have my study table shared with my son. Imagine digging our noses in our own books, the quiet study time with hot cocoa on the side. Now I don't know about you but that is bliss for me. Sharing and instilling the importance of good education to your child in your own fun way!

Chasing for the BEST

Many times, my family expressed their low opinion of what I do, or maybe, their low opinion of me. I feel it whenever they turn a half ear when I am sharing about something that they might appreciate, but turned out to be just one of the nonsense I seem to always feed them. I feel it whenever they just go to the corner discuss something as if I am an imbecile. I am beginning to think that coming here in this place is a big mistake. I am sinking fast...my morale is sinking fast.

But then again, I thought, would I rather discuss with them how Google analytics work to make websites get top ranks whenever somebody uses major search engines like google, yahoo and aol? Should I discuss with them that search engine optimization is the holy grail of small businesses, particularly those that managed to earn millions of revenues in just one year? Should I discuss how to make the best tags to make any blog or website searchable and practically accessible to the people who matter? Should I discuss with them how link backs earn more readerships for PR sites, potential clients for company websites as well as how blogs turn out to be simplest yet most effective way of saving company millions of dollars in advertising-in achieving the same results-money money money? Will that make what I do more acceptable?

Yeah right they are the smart ones, that their job is the BEST, but that doesn't mean that that's what's best FOR ME.

Mumbling...Thinking

For so long, I have been quite concerned about comparing my life with others, especially with those whom I attended school with. It gives me much concern that I might be really falling behind. You see I didn’t finish college in my “ideal” and “planned” setting. ‘Got knocked up but learned a lot. Admittedly, there are sacrifices that come as a default for young unwed mothers like me, like being slow in chasing a career. Like being unsure if this career or job would be enough to feed me and my baby, or is the job cool enough to feed my ego, which is pretty much on the sensitive side given that I felt I really missed a lot and have to make up for all of that---but I can’t.

Suddenly, as I was sweating out my first articles at work, which I did in lightning speed, I realized that this is something that I am good at. It may not be the coolest job but it is a job that I do well. It is a job that I feel really comfortable doing because it is the job that keeps me sane. Although people may disagree that this is the smartest choice of career for me, maybe I am just not who they think I am because I am happy and settled at what I do, which is actually great. So I've got to pull myself together and start smiling. I'm spending so much time worrying and being unhappy about things that should not matter. I'm getting allergies already, which according to WebMd, is a sign of stress.So wake up nutty head! Go back to work!

Can't Please Everybody

Ever heard of the line "you can't please everybody"? It's actually true. Whether it is with your family, friends or co-workers, people's differences usually come in the way of "getting along" or simple "understanding" of the opinion, actions or shortcoming of others.

 Regardless of our religion, our faith in our God tells us to "have faith in other people", but some look upon themselves as the "standard" of personalities and with that, they project a relatively high expectation on others - on how they should act, on how they should have handled situations and many other conditions. This state often cultivates a thought that "they should have done this and that...if they weren't stupid...because I would have...I would have thought of that". Often, this state drives people to prejudices, which cause them to think ill of the intentions and character of others, instead of entertaining a more positive stand on the actions of other people.

 Sometimes, people do nonsensical things for no reason. Even when they are blithely aware of the consequences or hurt they may cause, there are reasons for their actions, no matter how stupid we thought those are. I personally believe that the things done served what they thought was best. People make mistakes and lucky are those who don't mess up as often as others. Sometimes, we just need to be thankful for not being in the situation of causing hurt or difficulties in others. I guess we just need to keep an open heart and an open mind to continue having faith in others, because no matter how we think that we are good and deserving or that we should have been treated better, we live the world with few other million people who may not agree with us and we have to respect that. Because that way, you get the respect and treatment that you thought you deserve. Respects - respects. Truly, people are different from one another. They have their own convictions, which with age, becomes more difficult to sway or even convince otherwise.

I guess some people should stop beating themselves up, thinking ill of other people. Just imagine the stress and the despair they put themselves in. Life is short and the world is small. You can do whatever with your life, but remember that you are living your life with few other people whom you need to treat well - to also be treated well.

What it means to be One

You may have already heard this but being a mother is one full-time job that will put you through all the pains, tiredness, long standing hours, limitless worries and various ranges of emotions. It is one job that does not define any boundary, it does not say when it starts or when it ends. It just goes on and on. But while it makes you ache and hurt in places you never realized you have, it is one job that allows you to learn much, not just about the fellow and the life that you brought into the world but about the character, strength and convictions that you have built within yourself. It allows you to correct all wrong and perpetuate all things good in life. The values you hold will be exhibited in every smile, smirk, tantrum, embrace and tear that your little one will shed or cause. Given all these troubles, some may claim that being a mother is the best. Honestly, I can't say that becoming a mother is the highlight of every woman's life. For me, it simply became my life. It was what concluded everything I have learned and it is what showed me of the realities of how difficult but rewarding life can be despite and in spite of all the trials and blessings that have come my way.

The Victor

I would like to share with you my favorite poem of the moment:



If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don’t
If you like to win but think you can’t,
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win the prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.



-C.W. Longenecker

Sink or Swim

Sometimes, it happens that I just go blank in the middle of conversations. Not that I am ignoring the people talking with me, it’s just that sometimes out of the blue, interesting thoughts and ideas cross my mind and I needed to take a mind note. Of course, I would just brush it off with “sorry, what was that again?” or “don’t mind me, go on…” 

Lately, I do get a lot of that “blank” mode. Perhaps it comes with the excitement, or rather anxiety, of finally graduating from school. I always remind myself that this is just a start because I intend be busy about many things. I guess I am just consoling myself that way, thinking of all the lost times I had in building something out of myself. But then enough of the pity party, this is my big opportunity. This is what I have long been waiting for. Gotta suck it all up and go on. 

Funny, at this point, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s high school all over again. As I stop and think of plans and ideas, I do get excited I can almost taste them all. But then again, I wonder if I can ever pull it off. Then my alter ego would say, “but of course my dear, you’ve come a long way! This is just but one thing you have skipped and turned back to. ” --- then I get excited, thinking and wondering and looking forward to post-grad life all over again.

Down with Rain

Rain. Cold. Quiet. I now understand why the percentage of depression cases is higher in colder countries.

Rain. Though I like the comfort of the days when sweat doesn’t burst on my skin, rainy days seem to always give me this sinking feeling, like I feel down or something. Funny, I have been ranting and praying for rainy days for the last few months and when it came, I don’t like it anymore. Though I have thought rainy days are better, I am quite convinced that I was proven wrong.

Cold. I have been looking forward for this cold wet season. Now, I don’t like it so much.I

Quiet. When I work, I like everything to be still around me as my mind runs fast with ideas and webs words to make sensible points. But after all the task, the quiet isn’t the best company for me.

Funny, sometimes the things that I look forward to so much, the things that I wished and hoped for, the things that I staked much for, often do not meet my expectations. As I look back, my days were better with the heat and all. Sunny days may burn me down but it never made me feel down.

My Green Treat!!!

You just seem to get what I want. And for my birthday, you managed to be right on point, giving me the best gifts --- in my favorite color and in my favorite flavor. I hope everything will work out for you this time...  Crazy but it's amazing what happens when the skies clear out,, all conflicts settled and issues are mended. All is better now. Good luck to you! Stay away from crazies ahright? I will see you though...SOON!

XoXo

Traffic Light

"while someone chose to break your heart, someone else is waiting to fix it. Don't be too hard on yourself, open up your heart to him. Give yourself the chance...give him the chance..."

No Philosophy

No one can put a good man down...or in my case, a good woman.

I'd like to think that with everything on my plate, I did the right thing. Although at times, I am doing things blithely aware of the hurt and hassles of consequences, at the end of the day, I console myself that I did the right thing. This may sound snobbish or self-righteous but that's me.. I truly believe in karma...hopefully, by doing the right decision, even when that decision does not benefit me or serve what I want, I believe that my silent battles with sticking to the right thing will be duly rewarded...of remembered.

Sometimes, when I am really in trouble and I mean REAL trouble, it just happens that my problems seem to magically vanish.. fates play on your side. Then I realized, though at times you need to be unfair with yourself in the decisions you make, those silent sacrifices count. They are rewarded and some way somehow, it allows you to keep your ground. Though certain decisions won't serve your happiness, it serves a bigger purpose - it just showed what kind of a person you are - a person you can be proud of.

Years past, my sister told me I had no philosophy in life...whatever is that? Then now that I am writing this litany of mine, that's philosophy sister! some theory that you believe and live at.

Simply Fair

I am a simple person with simple needs and simple means. I know how complex life can be, that is why I opted for a life with nothing but my basic needs. As a daughter raised by her patient father, I have learned that although life is not always fair, it is my responsibility not to be the cause of such conflict to the lives of other people; to the people that I love and even to the people I never knew. I was taught never to cheat as I would not want to be cheated. I was taught to be patient for everything will run its course when the time is right. 

Ultimately, I was taught that in my life’s simplicity, people may see value in things that I have and that these people may take from me. As I was taught to learn my place in every circumstance, I was also taught to stand my ground and fight for what is mine. 

whining about struggling

Sometimes, I have a gut feeling that I am letting myself miss so many things because I am always this person who deals with responsibilities and obligations first. Sometimes, I ponder on whether or not I must also allot time to enjoy time with friends or spend idle times doing stupid things, doing nothing, but I always end up feeling guilty and thinking of the things I should have done during those times…because that’s what a responsible person should do. Sometimes, I think I am taking my being “responsible” a little too seriously. I know I have a lot of things to do but I get it that my life isn’t just about doing responsible and mature things. I am also entitled to make my own mistakes. So whenever I am out to have fun, I forget all control and just lose myself to the moment, which is really stupid. But hey, I am entitled to my dose of stupidity once in a while.

 I just want to feel alive. I want to become the person who is not afraid to do things on my own and to love despite of and regardless of. I want to be able to do things my way, where I will only answer to my own decisions and not make them just to be approved of or please other people. I want to be fearless in embracing life, its flaws and all. I want to be fun. I really need some ME time….bad!