Mother and I

My relationship with my mother is one that I can compare with marriage. The only difference is that with marriage, you get to choose the person you will commit your 'lifetime' with. But, if I would have to choose a mother, I honestly wouldn’t choose someone like her. 

Now my mother is far from the ideal mother that you may have in mind. She does not even meet the ‘average’ mother category, but that is not to say that she is the worst. Although she had her promiscuous years and she had done things that made her easy to hate, she is the mother that I have. Surprisingly, no matter how we disagree and fight, I honestly love my mother.

As I look back, I was equally stubborn to her as she is to my ‘advice’. I even come to the point of harming myself just so I would force her to see things my way. Through it all, she was the only one who stuck with me through everything wrong I have done. She was as messed up as I was.

Now, I had the chance to live with her again, this time that I have found my own pace and direction in life. Although the situation somehow limited my freedom to go as I please, being all grown up with my own child in tow, I decided to be with her. I know she needed me and even if she doesn’t show it, she needed my guidance. She is making a conscious effort to correct and make up for all her past mistakes and hurt caused in our family. She needed me to see how hard she is trying, and I am happy to be with her through the process.

Sometimes, my mother drives me crazy with her boisterous chatter and somehow out of this world assumptions about people and about life. It’s pretty much living with a tactless kid who is so stubborn to even listen to you. But at the end of the day, I am happy to make her feel that she is making progress, growing up while growing older, as I am happy to also learn valuable and sometimes crazy insights from her, which I will treasure for all my life. 

"Papa I have to go now, I'm busy..."

My son's 7th birthday is coming up and we were deciding on the guest list. Then just for pure amusement, I told my son, "what do you think about inviting your father and your other sister to the party?" Then a looong silence followed. He never answered my question, he was just silent and his serious "mafia lord" face was on, and so I dropped the subject and moved on recalling the names of his classmates.

This is what I feared the most, my son feeling so distant from his father. Since he is older now and even more aware of our family situation, I cannot do anymore damage control regarding his relationship with his father. He now can think on his own.

I remember the days when he would hound me every Monday when I arrive from school, getting my cellphone, putting it on the table and waiting for his father's promised weekly call. I used to remember his long and laud laugh whenever he realizes his father called him. I remember the squeal of delight whenever he hears his big voice. Even when he jumbles words because he speaks so fast, seems like he wanted to tell his father many things, realizing that their talk-time is limited. It was a sight that used to pinch my heart - because I felt how my son yearns for more. That this limited time they have together - I can never give him any substitute for it. And now I really want to give his father, excuse my words, a serious ass-kicking for being such an ASS.

So the calls become less and less. My heart hurts whenever my son quit waiting and playing beside the phone and tell me he's ready to sleep now. For weeks that his father forget or "was too busy" to call him, this was the sight. Then he finally asked me, "bakit di na tumatawag sa akin si Papa? (why is Papa not calling me anymore?)" I just answer him, "... maybe he is too busy at work because he works in this big office and that he is too important so he has many things to do. Or, he maybe taking care of your sister, maybe she is not feeling well so he needs to attend to her." My excuse was always the same.

Then eventually, he quitted asking. And so my son lost interest. I started noticing how he is almost forced to just put the phone against his ear in the few times that his father remembers to call him. He even begs me off, telling his Papa, "busy ako, nagpeplay ako eh. (I have to go. I'm busy playing.)" and then he hands me the phone and run away, so I just opted updating hi father about all of his antics.

My heart hurts that my son has to go through this drama, but I know that he can pull through. Every time I embrace him, I hope deep in my heart that I will be enough for him. That the people I surround him, their love and unwarranted attention, will make him feel that he is not missing anything from his life. I guess I'll just try my best to remind him all of the people who love him dearly, people who have been around when he was feeling low, people who embraced him with love, and people who make him glow with appreciation for everything that he did right.

Feeling Old

Yes. Old. This was my first thought this morning. Not because I feel aches here and there or that I already noticed having my first facial lines, not yet. I felt old because the first thing I did coming out of bed this morning is fixing breakfast, tending to the plants and yard, running my laundry for machine wash and laying out my computer in the kitchen table while waiting for everyone to gather and start with breakfast. With a cup of joe nearby, I started skimming the morning news online. Then I thought, this is so stereotypically old. When was the last time that I just woke up then thought of where to go and how to gather my friends for some 411? I used to be so fun and so selfish and just plain focussed on how to spend the day albeit thoughts of work, child needs to get uniforms, meals to prepare for the day and other domestic stuff. Have I been so domesticated and old? Or did I just grew up to be a responsible old person. I don't blame the society for being too harsh about aging but since 30 became the new 20, I was at lost of roles... then I thought maybe I was the one just fussing about being old when what's happening is just I became responsible for many things that concerns not only myself but some other people I care about, and that I began caring for them, like I am supposed to do.

So I settled into thinking that I am just growing up, responsibly that is. Growing old, I'll get there, but it's too early for that right now.

Chasing for the BEST

Many times, my family expressed their low opinion of what I do, or maybe, their low opinion of me. I feel it whenever they turn a half ear when I am sharing about something that they might appreciate, but turned out to be just one of the nonsense I seem to always feed them. I feel it whenever they just go to the corner discuss something as if I am an imbecile. I am beginning to think that coming here in this place is a big mistake. I am sinking fast...my morale is sinking fast.

But then again, I thought, would I rather discuss with them how Google analytics work to make websites get top ranks whenever somebody uses major search engines like google, yahoo and aol? Should I discuss with them that search engine optimization is the holy grail of small businesses, particularly those that managed to earn millions of revenues in just one year? Should I discuss how to make the best tags to make any blog or website searchable and practically accessible to the people who matter? Should I discuss with them how link backs earn more readerships for PR sites, potential clients for company websites as well as how blogs turn out to be simplest yet most effective way of saving company millions of dollars in advertising-in achieving the same results-money money money? Will that make what I do more acceptable?

Yeah right they are the smart ones, that their job is the BEST, but that doesn't mean that that's what's best FOR ME.

The Job I Want...Need

I want a job that will allow me the time to send my son to school in the morning, have breakfast and dinner with him, which honestly are the only things I look forward to each day. I want a job that pays me well so I can save and finally afford to bring my son to the magnificent scenes of “Chocolate Hills”(Bohol, Philippines), an experience that I want to share with him just to prove that no matter how bleak my shots are at really doing it, I am determined to do it for him.

I want a job that allows me to work in peace, because I am a freak under pressure. I want a job that makes me feel important, if you ever know how it feels to help a company gain higher page ranking and Google recognition for searches then you know what I mean. I want a job that strictly limits itself to the 8-hour work regulation. And that’s exactly the job that I’ve got.

 I may not have colleagues to interact with or seminars to go to, but I am buck happy at keeping tabs with everything that you can do with a laptop and Internet. I am happy to work at home while having the luxury of peeking through the room to look at the programs that my son is watching on TV, or steal kisses and hugs in between. In simple words, I got the job I want. Now the only problem is enjoying it!

Sensitive Much?

I admit that I am awfully sensitive whenever somebody comments on how I parent my child, especially if that somebody is my mother. Honestly, I don't look forward to being nagged at how to do things, I believe that my years on earth have given me enough know-how to work around things...or so I thought. Then, we talked about our issues and even my issues on how to do better in handling my child, and to my surprise, I saw her point clearly, which of course made me feel quite off. Bottomline is that I am lucky to have a mother, who immediately corrects me if I am about to do things the wrong way - well in her eyes at least. Experience may be what I am lacking, but my mother has lots of that. I have to give it to her, she talks of things that I really don't have any knowledge or insight of how things may turn out. Though I have faith in myself, sometimes, I needed to be cracked to take a better perspective at things I might be doing wrong, but not intentionally. I guess my mother is just doing her job, parenting me, raising me still even when I am already one... then I thought, parenting never stops and it crosses the boundaries of learning everything about family life.

Tricky Talks

Many times I have wondered why I feel more comfortable opening up my issues to my friends than to my siblings. Perhaps it could be the prospect of them stepping to my side in every situation without being fully judged or I felt that my sisters and I already have a great deal of issues to deal with for ourselves that some things need not to add up to whatever is already carried. Sometimes,things are best discussed with family because they are the ones who truly know you for what you are and that would understand you why you did the things you just did. As for friends, being more attached to what you are going through, they often give you advices that may either serve your own good (objective) or soothe your ego (butter you up just until you are not that vulnerable). On the other hand, friends often become the sounding board with sibling quarrels or vice versa. As for me, I guess I need to put up some more blogs for all my sentiments. Now I know, I am better at expressing myself by writing, not by yaking!

Family ONE

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”

surprises surprises...hmmmm!

Speak up

In life, I have learned that no one else will stand up for you but yourself. In every battle, you better get yourself armed with courage to speak up for what you believe in and express everything that is bottled inside your heart and inside your mind. Sometimes, you contemplate on whether or not to speak for yourself because of fearing that telling the truth might hurt the ones you love. That is actually not the case. While you worry on hurting the ones you love, they are there rooting for you to do what you feel and see is right. That is because you are standing up for everything that you are. There’s nothing to be sorry about that. Everyone who loves you will understand the whys and whats of your actions, provided that they are within reason.

I am thankful that I am one person who realized the people who loves me for real. The people who embraced everything that I am are there in every step I take. Although sometimes, I feel like I am traveling the lonely and hostile roads of life alone, I have come to realize that they are actually everywhere. They are in my shadows, they are in my heart, and they are in my mind. Presence and actions may not speak of everything. It’s the thought that they will be there whenever you need to stand up for yourself, rooting for you to be a successful challenger of everything that comes your way.

My Everyday

It’s nice to live in our house. As I am writing this entry, everyone is already busy starting the day. We have just finished sharing breakfast. My son is now enjoying his morning Disney program, my titas are tending the garden and are now fussing over what’s the menu for lunch. My side-kick, Lani, is now doing the dishes and I am in front of my laptop blabbing about what everyone has been doing.

I am living in a traditional suburban house that has survived typhoons and volcanic eruptions. Here, I have grown from a child to a rebel teenager carrying all the hate in this world. However, all that phase has passed and I have learned to appreciate that my life is more fulfilling here in the province. I am surrounded by the people who love me and care for me as I do to them, that’s why.

Every time I forgot taking my vitamins, my Tita Rose will sure remind me to take the pill before I go out for school. If I am staying up late ‘till dawn working and typing on my laptop, there is my Tita Vicky to recite all the possible health effects of what I am doing to myself. And there is my Tita Lyd to ask me to get her pension every month, offering to shoulder my transpo fee and snack for the day in doing so (although I am not taking advantage of the offer). Of course, there is Papa. Every time I have a broken window, broken umbrella and broken everything even if it means tinkering all day clueless of what the damage could be, he just always try to do what he can to fix my things, fix NJ's toys and fix everything in the house.

As you can see, every one of us is interdependent. We have our different roles and these roles complement one another. We get along well as most families do. We may not share the same beliefs about religion, celebrities or national issues, but that’s what makes us love one another. Some may say I have a dysfunctional family, but I say “it’s the only family I got and will ever love”. How can I possibly have survived life without these people? We may not be the rich one, the religious one or the popular one but we are the one who never leaves anyone of us behind. We are the one family that lives everyday serving our own masters than serving what others expect of us. That’s how I become a no-nonsense gal.

I just wanted to start the week saying I love my family and that every day, I am getting more convinced that even if I failed to give my son the family I have been dreaming for him, I know that the family we have will suffice. The family we have love us dearly, so what am I to worry about? It may not be ideal but it can give him the perfect environment to understand the world in a wider perspective. I want to raise him as a person who thinks, reasons and battles with life…someone who is not used to perfection so he can see beauty and love under any circumstance…as I am with my life right now.

At last...

It’s been so long since I have posted my last entry in this page…

It’s a crazy time at work so I have to focus on more important things like…well, earning a living. These past few weeks were both trying and challenging for me. I have put myself under a lot of strain with which I seem to have handled quite well (conceit, haha!!).
Often, we will be faced with challenges, be it at work or in our personal lives. I am lucky that I have a quiet personal life…at the moment. But I know that things will rattle a bit…again. Because that’s how life is supposed to be. We are meant to mess things up a bit sometimes.

While my personal life takes rest from all the drama, it’s been really a crazy time at work.
Now, I don’t have enough time to keep up with the latest gossip or to keep track with the latest movie flick…things that I take joy at the end of the day. After a tiring day at work, I feel satisfied that still; I manage to give 200% in doing every task. Maybe I simply love what I am doing. More importantly, I simply love what I do and thank all the gods for giving me this job (more conceit!!).

My only consolation is that after a tiring and stressful day, I come home to my family. I come home to people who love and support me. Most of all, I come home to my wonderful little boy, who is becoming quite a rascal of a child, just as I was during my days.

For these things, I am blessed…and will always be grateful.
Another storm is coming…I just know it.
So I try to cherish every peaceful moment that I have…while it lasts.
PEACE!!