"Papa I have to go now, I'm busy..."

My son's 7th birthday is coming up and we were deciding on the guest list. Then just for pure amusement, I told my son, "what do you think about inviting your father and your other sister to the party?" Then a looong silence followed. He never answered my question, he was just silent and his serious "mafia lord" face was on, and so I dropped the subject and moved on recalling the names of his classmates.

This is what I feared the most, my son feeling so distant from his father. Since he is older now and even more aware of our family situation, I cannot do anymore damage control regarding his relationship with his father. He now can think on his own.

I remember the days when he would hound me every Monday when I arrive from school, getting my cellphone, putting it on the table and waiting for his father's promised weekly call. I used to remember his long and laud laugh whenever he realizes his father called him. I remember the squeal of delight whenever he hears his big voice. Even when he jumbles words because he speaks so fast, seems like he wanted to tell his father many things, realizing that their talk-time is limited. It was a sight that used to pinch my heart - because I felt how my son yearns for more. That this limited time they have together - I can never give him any substitute for it. And now I really want to give his father, excuse my words, a serious ass-kicking for being such an ASS.

So the calls become less and less. My heart hurts whenever my son quit waiting and playing beside the phone and tell me he's ready to sleep now. For weeks that his father forget or "was too busy" to call him, this was the sight. Then he finally asked me, "bakit di na tumatawag sa akin si Papa? (why is Papa not calling me anymore?)" I just answer him, "... maybe he is too busy at work because he works in this big office and that he is too important so he has many things to do. Or, he maybe taking care of your sister, maybe she is not feeling well so he needs to attend to her." My excuse was always the same.

Then eventually, he quitted asking. And so my son lost interest. I started noticing how he is almost forced to just put the phone against his ear in the few times that his father remembers to call him. He even begs me off, telling his Papa, "busy ako, nagpeplay ako eh. (I have to go. I'm busy playing.)" and then he hands me the phone and run away, so I just opted updating hi father about all of his antics.

My heart hurts that my son has to go through this drama, but I know that he can pull through. Every time I embrace him, I hope deep in my heart that I will be enough for him. That the people I surround him, their love and unwarranted attention, will make him feel that he is not missing anything from his life. I guess I'll just try my best to remind him all of the people who love him dearly, people who have been around when he was feeling low, people who embraced him with love, and people who make him glow with appreciation for everything that he did right.

My Labs!

It's not everyday that I encounter poems that truly measure up to my emotions and experiences as a parent. Let me share with you the treasure of words that I found. Also, I felt the need to twist my belated posts into advance greetings. So this is for you, "my labs!"...

To My Son 

 © Amy R. Campbell

Oh how the years go by,
Oh how time can certainly fly.
From once just a thought in far away dreams,
now into my arms and in my eyes gleam
the presence of you.

 Your laughter and smiles which go on for miles,
warms my heart and soul.
You're growing up so fast,
as I wish each moment with you to last forever.

 My little boy will someday be a man
and right by your side I will forever stand.
I will pick up the pieces when you fall,
I will hold your hand and help you stand tall.

And when the day comes when you are on your own,
never feel that you are alone.
No matter how near or far apart
I am always right there in your heart.


"Always remember whatever you go through, that no matter what, I will always love you."

Another Bday Post Coming Up...

To My Everything

June 4, 2010 is my son’s 5th birthday. In my continuing tradition of writing him a belated post for his birthday, here's what I have in mind:

Son, the past year has been extremely difficult for me. Mama was in a rollercoaster ride of her life. I was betrayed by the people whom I thought would care for us and we were left behind to face and settle the mess … we were left on our own. Thankfully, we have a wonderful family that has been our rock and strength for all these years. Although I once failed to blink back my tears and showed you a miniscule moment of my weakness, you were there to ease my pain. Your hugs kept me going, your faith in me kept me believing in myself. You made me feel your love and your impact in my life, which I realized to be everything I needed to settle with all the difficulties and all the pain that life has given us.

During my lowest points, you were there to watch DVD marathons of my favorite movies, sitting beside me until you fall asleep, staying with me even when you don’t like what I was watching. Whenever I need air to breathe, I just watch you, full of energy, full of life, making me realize that there is still more good things in my life…YOU. Whenever I needed a breather, we go to the arcade together, we eat ice cream together, we laugh, play games … even for the slightest measurement of time, I forgot my problems, I forgot all my pain … you replaced it with hope, love and forgiveness.

The thing is that during those times that I needed to be taken cared of, you were there. You and your huge curious eyes looking up at me, feeling that there was something wrong with me. You kept me sane and you brought me back to what I was, what I used to be and what I will become…your devoted mom.

In a short span of five years, you have taught me all about life, strength and purpose. You gave me the love that I was looking for, in all directions. You made me realize what I can be, which is the best person and the best mother any kid can ever have. I will have that as my life’s mission, because son … you deserve the best.

Sometimes, when I marvel at your beauty and awesomeness, I think back and say, “what did I ever do to deserve you?”

But then I realized, no matter how hard things can be, life will only get better as long as you are there, by my side, adoring me as your strict disciplinarian, crazy buddy, your clueless tutor, your bully, your friend, your first love… your Mama … your everything as you are my everything.

I love you son, five years since the day I was gifted with the best son any parent can ever have. Five years have passed and we are getting better. I am getting better at this mothering thing…because of you…because you help me become one for both of US.

To Buboy

I realized I haven’t written my boy a tribute to his fourth birthday so here it goes…
For four years, you have made a great impact in my life…for someone so small and so fragile and whiny, you seem to be the best person in my life. In fact, you are my healthiest relationship. Hats-off to you for actually straightening me up.

My flesh and blood. My life. To me you are just about everything I need to survive. Even when I lost some opportunities I should have, you replaced them with things that gave me more satisfaction and appreciation of my life. For a boy so young, you have made me feel valued, important and significant; things that nobody realized I needed so bad to live. Even with your nonsensical babblings, you have said more words that meant everything than anybody else.

Now that you are four years old, I am here by your side as you open up to a new world. You are going to school now and I promise to be there by your side even when I am not called or needed. I will be there through your dances, programs and anything else. I will be in every PTA meeting, and every meeting that parents are called upon. I promise to be at the front line whenever you need an audience for your newfound skills and talents. I will be there and there always. Along with your Lolos and Lolas, your family will always be proud of you and everything you do.

For someone so whiny and needy and messy, you are the person I only care about. Time and time again, you are by my side whenever I feel weak and tired, you strengthen my faith whenever I think lowly of myself. You let me live, you gave me every reason to live. You know why? Because I love you. I so love to see what you will become when you grow up. Because I know that even when you don’t become the person I am hoping you’d be, I know you will be someone unexpected but so much better.

I will forever love you Buboy…Mama will always be here and here to stay.
Happy Fourth Birthday!