Happy 7th Birthday Day Son!

Every year, on your birthday,

I think about how glad I am

that you were born,

how thankful I am to have you in my life.

Every year is another year

filled with the special joys you bring

just by being yourself.

Every year, when you open your birthday gifts,

realize what a gift you are

to everyone who knows you,

especially me.

Happy Birthday!

"Papa I have to go now, I'm busy..."

My son's 7th birthday is coming up and we were deciding on the guest list. Then just for pure amusement, I told my son, "what do you think about inviting your father and your other sister to the party?" Then a looong silence followed. He never answered my question, he was just silent and his serious "mafia lord" face was on, and so I dropped the subject and moved on recalling the names of his classmates.

This is what I feared the most, my son feeling so distant from his father. Since he is older now and even more aware of our family situation, I cannot do anymore damage control regarding his relationship with his father. He now can think on his own.

I remember the days when he would hound me every Monday when I arrive from school, getting my cellphone, putting it on the table and waiting for his father's promised weekly call. I used to remember his long and laud laugh whenever he realizes his father called him. I remember the squeal of delight whenever he hears his big voice. Even when he jumbles words because he speaks so fast, seems like he wanted to tell his father many things, realizing that their talk-time is limited. It was a sight that used to pinch my heart - because I felt how my son yearns for more. That this limited time they have together - I can never give him any substitute for it. And now I really want to give his father, excuse my words, a serious ass-kicking for being such an ASS.

So the calls become less and less. My heart hurts whenever my son quit waiting and playing beside the phone and tell me he's ready to sleep now. For weeks that his father forget or "was too busy" to call him, this was the sight. Then he finally asked me, "bakit di na tumatawag sa akin si Papa? (why is Papa not calling me anymore?)" I just answer him, "... maybe he is too busy at work because he works in this big office and that he is too important so he has many things to do. Or, he maybe taking care of your sister, maybe she is not feeling well so he needs to attend to her." My excuse was always the same.

Then eventually, he quitted asking. And so my son lost interest. I started noticing how he is almost forced to just put the phone against his ear in the few times that his father remembers to call him. He even begs me off, telling his Papa, "busy ako, nagpeplay ako eh. (I have to go. I'm busy playing.)" and then he hands me the phone and run away, so I just opted updating hi father about all of his antics.

My heart hurts that my son has to go through this drama, but I know that he can pull through. Every time I embrace him, I hope deep in my heart that I will be enough for him. That the people I surround him, their love and unwarranted attention, will make him feel that he is not missing anything from his life. I guess I'll just try my best to remind him all of the people who love him dearly, people who have been around when he was feeling low, people who embraced him with love, and people who make him glow with appreciation for everything that he did right.

Another Bday Post Coming Up...

My Green Treat!!!

You just seem to get what I want. And for my birthday, you managed to be right on point, giving me the best gifts --- in my favorite color and in my favorite flavor. I hope everything will work out for you this time...  Crazy but it's amazing what happens when the skies clear out,, all conflicts settled and issues are mended. All is better now. Good luck to you! Stay away from crazies ahright? I will see you though...SOON!

XoXo

To My Everything

June 4, 2010 is my son’s 5th birthday. In my continuing tradition of writing him a belated post for his birthday, here's what I have in mind:

Son, the past year has been extremely difficult for me. Mama was in a rollercoaster ride of her life. I was betrayed by the people whom I thought would care for us and we were left behind to face and settle the mess … we were left on our own. Thankfully, we have a wonderful family that has been our rock and strength for all these years. Although I once failed to blink back my tears and showed you a miniscule moment of my weakness, you were there to ease my pain. Your hugs kept me going, your faith in me kept me believing in myself. You made me feel your love and your impact in my life, which I realized to be everything I needed to settle with all the difficulties and all the pain that life has given us.

During my lowest points, you were there to watch DVD marathons of my favorite movies, sitting beside me until you fall asleep, staying with me even when you don’t like what I was watching. Whenever I need air to breathe, I just watch you, full of energy, full of life, making me realize that there is still more good things in my life…YOU. Whenever I needed a breather, we go to the arcade together, we eat ice cream together, we laugh, play games … even for the slightest measurement of time, I forgot my problems, I forgot all my pain … you replaced it with hope, love and forgiveness.

The thing is that during those times that I needed to be taken cared of, you were there. You and your huge curious eyes looking up at me, feeling that there was something wrong with me. You kept me sane and you brought me back to what I was, what I used to be and what I will become…your devoted mom.

In a short span of five years, you have taught me all about life, strength and purpose. You gave me the love that I was looking for, in all directions. You made me realize what I can be, which is the best person and the best mother any kid can ever have. I will have that as my life’s mission, because son … you deserve the best.

Sometimes, when I marvel at your beauty and awesomeness, I think back and say, “what did I ever do to deserve you?”

But then I realized, no matter how hard things can be, life will only get better as long as you are there, by my side, adoring me as your strict disciplinarian, crazy buddy, your clueless tutor, your bully, your friend, your first love… your Mama … your everything as you are my everything.

I love you son, five years since the day I was gifted with the best son any parent can ever have. Five years have passed and we are getting better. I am getting better at this mothering thing…because of you…because you help me become one for both of US.

for NJ

June 4, 2005

At 10:15 PM, I finally gave birth to a little boy. But because I was sedated, I failed to lay eyes on my baby because my body gave in to the fatigue of bearing more than 12 hours of excruciating pain due to contraction…

When I first woke up, I wondered where I was…wearing a hospital gown and a little disoriented…my first words were “tapos na?!”

So I wondered…where was the baby?
The nurse said, “He’s in the nursery, puntahan mo na lang sya if nacarecover ka na ng lakas…rest muna po kayo?”

4:00AM. I forced myself into a wheel chair, which happens to be placed beside my hospital bed. While my sister “on-guard” is asleep, I sneaked into the elevator to find where the hospital’s nursery is located. To my dismay, I found out that it was on the next floor…so clutching my weak knees, I forced myself to go to the elevator and head where that damn nursery is.

So I was there, at the door, telling the nurse “on-shift” that I was dying to see my baby. And with a smirk on my face, I asked, “miss, lalaki ba talaga?”

Laughing, the nurse said, ”halika po tingnan nyo na”.

When I first saw the baby, it was like meeting another person…Although I know that I’m his mother, I am still in denial that my responsibilities is deeply spelled in this peacefully sleeping baby. So I held him close, observed, and even peeked into his diaper to see if he is really a boy. You see, our family is dominated by females. So I never expected that I was carrying a boy. And having a boy of my own, I was deeply satisfied.

From that day, I got hooked to that baby, that little tyrant of mine. Whenever he “screams” (he never did cry you know) for milk, I immediately fix what was needed just to shut him up. My head is spinning every time he asks/demands what is needed to be fixed. And whenever I ‘m on the verge of losing my patience, I just thought that “hey, maybe he is smart, he demands what he needs and knows how to get it. That settles me somehow…

One…two…three years later…I find comfort in observing this peacefully sleeping little boy beside me. Our small bed brings us closer every night. Our little world made both of us grow out of the trials and hardships that comes with being a parent and a child of a messed up mamay. Our occasional treats to Jollibee has tightened our inexplicable lust for spaghetti and fries. We survived the tantrums, the spanking, the yelling and the arguments over meals or tv programs that we are watching. What I appreciate during those times is that he still relies on me for everything that he needs. Two…three years after this, maybe it will not be the same…maybe things will be different…but I will always be his mamay.

Having learned his ABCs, numbers and a little bit of kid songs…having learned his devotion for Mr. Bean, this little boy will always have a special place in my heart…in my life…he means everything to me…as I hope that I am everything to him. But one thing that will not change is that we survived everything together. As much as I wanted to, I will always guide this boy through everything that he need to or choose to experience…as he has guided me, in his own little ways.

Every time I go to work, I am driven and motivated to do more every time he gives me a big hug, goodbye kiss, and his cute “ingat!!” as I climb into my daily pedicab ride. What more can I ask for in this life? I am blessed, I am eternally grateful for experiencing everything I had to…raising a child.

This is for you NJ. To the greatest kid a mother could have…I love you so much son…thank you for everything…although you may not think of it…you gave me more than what I gave you…I love you son!!! Happy birthday!!