Bad Morning

There's always a day when everything doesn't go according to your plans. Not only are my pending accounts unsatisfied (done but no payments coming in yet), my son has already learned the "I'm sick" trick just to skip school. Time and time again, I always explain how our little family works. Mama does the actual work to earn money and Buboy need to go to school to be a kid, study and make friends. If one of us don't do our part, then nothing would work. Now if Buboy wants to skip school, then Mama will get angry and work will be quite a day of venting anger through writing. If nothing works, then that means one of us will be left behind in a far away place and we will be separated so we can function better, a scenario that is all too familiar to me. Times are really hard. Really hard, especially when I am dealing with this alone. But I am trying my hardest to make things work. Trying my hardest. God, a little help please?

"Papa I have to go now, I'm busy..."

My son's 7th birthday is coming up and we were deciding on the guest list. Then just for pure amusement, I told my son, "what do you think about inviting your father and your other sister to the party?" Then a looong silence followed. He never answered my question, he was just silent and his serious "mafia lord" face was on, and so I dropped the subject and moved on recalling the names of his classmates.

This is what I feared the most, my son feeling so distant from his father. Since he is older now and even more aware of our family situation, I cannot do anymore damage control regarding his relationship with his father. He now can think on his own.

I remember the days when he would hound me every Monday when I arrive from school, getting my cellphone, putting it on the table and waiting for his father's promised weekly call. I used to remember his long and laud laugh whenever he realizes his father called him. I remember the squeal of delight whenever he hears his big voice. Even when he jumbles words because he speaks so fast, seems like he wanted to tell his father many things, realizing that their talk-time is limited. It was a sight that used to pinch my heart - because I felt how my son yearns for more. That this limited time they have together - I can never give him any substitute for it. And now I really want to give his father, excuse my words, a serious ass-kicking for being such an ASS.

So the calls become less and less. My heart hurts whenever my son quit waiting and playing beside the phone and tell me he's ready to sleep now. For weeks that his father forget or "was too busy" to call him, this was the sight. Then he finally asked me, "bakit di na tumatawag sa akin si Papa? (why is Papa not calling me anymore?)" I just answer him, "... maybe he is too busy at work because he works in this big office and that he is too important so he has many things to do. Or, he maybe taking care of your sister, maybe she is not feeling well so he needs to attend to her." My excuse was always the same.

Then eventually, he quitted asking. And so my son lost interest. I started noticing how he is almost forced to just put the phone against his ear in the few times that his father remembers to call him. He even begs me off, telling his Papa, "busy ako, nagpeplay ako eh. (I have to go. I'm busy playing.)" and then he hands me the phone and run away, so I just opted updating hi father about all of his antics.

My heart hurts that my son has to go through this drama, but I know that he can pull through. Every time I embrace him, I hope deep in my heart that I will be enough for him. That the people I surround him, their love and unwarranted attention, will make him feel that he is not missing anything from his life. I guess I'll just try my best to remind him all of the people who love him dearly, people who have been around when he was feeling low, people who embraced him with love, and people who make him glow with appreciation for everything that he did right.

Mother Back to School

I know that it has become a privilege for modern-day mothers to be able to accompany their children to and from school, to be present in their school shows and activities and to be simply present for them...period. Now that I am under my "mother's scholarship" in pursuing my post-graduate studies in exchange of being her girl-Friday, I have the time to be an active parent for my first-grader. Now that my son has accomplished all of his admission requirements, and I am done with my own admission requirements, it's time to go shopping for uniforms and supplies. 'Must be fun.

What I look forward to this year is the chance to really pay attention to my son. Although I am a teacher, I never had the chance to really help my son study his lessons or prepare for his exams, which explains my bowling tears when he went up the stage to receive his medals during his preparatory graduation. I felt really guilty that it was the only event that I attended for him that year. But this year, things may be different. I will be in every occasion, every time, any where.

Of course, I have my own studying to do, but the great thing is that I will have my study table shared with my son. Imagine digging our noses in our own books, the quiet study time with hot cocoa on the side. Now I don't know about you but that is bliss for me. Sharing and instilling the importance of good education to your child in your own fun way!