Flutter

A glimmer of light, a flutter of emotion- I seem to miss the days when I took for granted the feeling of excitement of hoping for something great. I missed the days of looking forward to the unknown. As I grew older, I grew more anxious about the future. It seems like I hope the rest of my life will be spent "today". I stopped hoping. I stopped dreaming. I became fearful instead of bold. I became cautious instead of outrageous. I used to be bold and courageous. Now, I felt I lost all the fun and exciting things about my life. I live each day alone. I live each day catering to what needs to be done. I have given up the privilege of doing what I want, a long time ago. Now, It's always about what's needed to be done. A common theme of grown up whines. But all the more that life makes me feel this is my reality. I hope a flutter of something I have in the past would suffice to let me hope again, look forward to anything again, dream again... live a little bit more.

someone's always saying good bye

I always hated “good byes”. As a kid, it makes me feel unwanted, unloved, and ultimately rejected. Whenever my favorite aunt comes to visit, I dread the day that she would return back to her home…far away from me. It was like taking away my happiness. I always associate “good byes” with sad memories that seem to linger on which may be the reason why I hated being alone or being by myself. I would go crazy if I would have to stay by myself. As I grew older, I leaned on friendships to survive my struggles concerning “good byes”. I hated being said good bye to. If those people who have become dear and close to my heart would deeply observe, I never look into the eye whenever I bid good bye. I hate it so much. But to my surprise, time and experiences haven’t helped me overcome such a childish mean of acquisition. I always find life more interesting with all these people surrounding me. They make me feel better. They make me feel alive. They just make me feel better about myself. And I don’t know why. Loneliness for me is madness. What I find hard to understand is that I have never addressed this issue in my life before. I just managed to feel this disdain all my life yet I could not work it out yet. Just feel and cry along with all these “good byes” in my life. I bury into nothingness, clueless and simply feeling empty. I guess I have to get over “good byes” because the world is not a good-bye-free world. Someone will always leave and may not return. But I am not a kid anymore. I am stronger now. And no matter how many “good byes” I would need to suffer, I know I am still this child that hates parting ways but is hopeful that more of “hellos” would sweeten my future encounters.