Flutter

A glimmer of light, a flutter of emotion- I seem to miss the days when I took for granted the feeling of excitement of hoping for something great. I missed the days of looking forward to the unknown. As I grew older, I grew more anxious about the future. It seems like I hope the rest of my life will be spent "today". I stopped hoping. I stopped dreaming. I became fearful instead of bold. I became cautious instead of outrageous. I used to be bold and courageous. Now, I felt I lost all the fun and exciting things about my life. I live each day alone. I live each day catering to what needs to be done. I have given up the privilege of doing what I want, a long time ago. Now, It's always about what's needed to be done. A common theme of grown up whines. But all the more that life makes me feel this is my reality. I hope a flutter of something I have in the past would suffice to let me hope again, look forward to anything again, dream again... live a little bit more.

New Hope

With the new administration leading the government of my beloved country Philippines, I felt that I become confident again that there is still hope to enjoy a better Philippines in the next six years. Here in the province of Albay, our elected governor asserted that the province has broken ground the foundations of establishing better economic status, public education and health services and overall better quality of life for all Bicolanos. But what surprised me is that why am I easily impressed by these promises when they are the main aspects of existence, which the government should improve and provide for its nation? Why was I easily impressed that our leaders put emphasis in the improvements and installation of better public service, when they are their main purpose and obligation? Have I become one of those Filipinos who get used to “pwede na”, “pagtyagaan na” and futile patience and hope for the day the politicians will finally do their “real” job. I am hoping for a better future for my dear country and my province because I would not want to live elsewhere. Not because I am settling or that I feel that living in the province is “pwede na”. I see it as the best place where I can pursue my professional ambitions, raise my son and build fond memories with my family, which I will carry on throughout my lifetime. In 30 years, Albay is geared to be the “California” of the Philippines, during which I will be near my retiring age. I just hope it will materialize. I managed to dream again, I hope it is a good sign.

In Hiding

Yeah, I admit that I am quite in hiding lately. I grew tired of thinking that I am fine with everything when all there is is mess. I am just in this phase of life where I needed to decide on whether to jump over or not. I am weighing every decision that I needed to do, as I have discovered that everyone else was fooling and playing with me for quite sometime now. I have realized that while I was suffering with my unresting thoughts questions every night,blithely aware of my anguish, confused and hurt about everything, they already knew the answers and they never even bothered to tell me. Now I know. Now I know what they knew.

It really is awful to discover that the people that you trusted weren't all worth the trust.

Silver Lining

Life really has its ups and downs. When you seem to get ‘down’, I mean really down, there’s no other way to go but ‘up’. Now that gives us one basic analogy of life. Let me tell you something…it happens! Feeling down? Not for long! Soon, you will see your ‘silver lining’…just as I did.

Be happy everyone! We all deserve to be. Believe it and you will live it.

My First

For as long as I have known myself, I realized that I am gifted with gab, but that kind of 'gab' that is exclusive to friends and family. If 'gab' is put into writing, that should definitely count as one of my assets. I was never a 'host' material. I have always worked behind the scene. Even with my school plays in high school, I was just the director, the writer, the story feeder. I was never out there for execution. I was more into making sure that the 'execution' meet my material's expectations.

So when I was asked to play emcee for a special occasion in our school, I thought, well, I can do it but I needed to have some moral and confidence boost. My personal life didn't help much. Thanks to my seedy resourcefulness. I told you, I never was someone who was up there doing the gabfest. But then, I decided to take on the challenge.

So there I was, holding the mic and wearing my salmon dress. I was never comfortable about my self being exposed right there, to add to that, never did I ever been comfortable in real girl's clothes. Thanks to my partner, I kept at my toes through the night. I thank him for standing beside me as it was really nervewracking. But I did it. Even when my moral is low and my confidence severed, I did it. Which makes me wonder, what can't I ever NOT DO now?

What I am trying to say is that even when everything has crumbled, I realized that it takes sheer courage to stand above the shame and the feeling of turmoil. Put a little perspective on it, step above the negativity to face all things positive. Even amidst the chaos, managing to do something constructive is a good sign. Just look at the person looking at you and rooting for you and believing that you can do great things, why ever would you not do beautifully with that confidence. I you have lost some confidence in your self, pull yourself together and take strength from the people who are right there, cheering for you, giving you a "hey, that went great. You were great!" For what reason will you ever stay low?

After that night, I celebrated with some friends and also managed to meet new ones. While I was wondering how did I ever got so lucky celebrating with some 'beautiful' people sitting at the same table with me, I even wondered how the heck did I ever got so lucky? Whatever did they see in me to make them decide I am worth their company? Maybe I still got it. Hahahahaha...I still got it!!!

So I thought, well, this is the way to move on. I still got it and BOY did I felt so
relieved and so revived with that thought in mind. I can't wait for tomorrow now. I can't wait to discover and enjoy more things that I thought I can't, but I incidentally can.

He who is Blithely Aware Must Not Know

People may believe what they wanted to believe. Sometimes, it becomes their way of living. The will to believe is what brings hope to life. When everything seem to have been ruined and thrashed, all they have is what they believe are the means to survive. I believe that I am a strong person. But life seems to take it as a joke sometimes. It always puts me to tests that seem to tell me, "so you think you are tough, huh?" and end up barely breathing, torn and worn out.

I am humbled by my mistakes, my careless acts and my lack of better judgment. I am impulsive, temperamental and stubborn. I may have offended people, but I am not saying sorry, because I feel no remorse from what I did. Had I felt remorse and wished that I did not do what I did, I wouldn't learn. I wouldn't know the people who even when I don't know them, really cared. Though I may say excuse to my acts, I still trust my sharp senses. What I am trying to say is that my 'toughness' gets the better of me.

I don't believe in getting hit and then you just remain quiet. I am not contributing in the simple process of exchange that way. If there's an action, there's always a reaction. Dampening the natural process would render it insignificant and futile. It loses its substance. Whoever is perfect may point fingers at me...but I but I am me. I celebrate my flaws rather than my strengths. Odd as it seems, but that is me trying or struggling to control the monster in me in hopes of gaining a little bit more maturity.

I have strange ways of coping with hurt, with pain and with almost every emotion because I feel them right to the core and bury them in my heart. That is why it's very hard to forget, perhaps my heart and soul is not gilded for that. Maybe it's for something else. Maybe it is intended to do other things. Or maybe, just maybe, it's still maturing.

I believe...I hope.

So goes the saying, don't make curses when you are angry and don't make promises when you are happy. This is so true...caught red handed...BUT WHAT I SAID STILL HOLDS TRUE.

I believe...I believe.

Just Starting to Sing a Different Tune

Though my life is full of complications and my affection full of conditions, thank you for finding solace in my chaotic life. Thank you for taking interest in what’s happening in it, what’s giving it pain and what’s making it bearable each day. Though you seem to be an illusion that gives me hope for love, you are forever patient and will always be near my heart.

You came to my life during the most unwelcome time. You came but you stayed and that’s all that mattered. You brought clarity to all my arguments. You challenged my thoughts and even my quotes. You sought more meaning to what there is in everything I say, though I disagree to most of your interpretations, you managed to bring truth in everything I say and give light to the words I refuse to say.

Thank you for forever being so patient with me, thank you for always waiting for me to come to you. Though I may not say it right now, I see you as someone who will play an important role in my life. Thank you for being my excuse to happiness. Thank you for being my hope to happiness. Thank you for bringing reason to all the bitterness I had. Thank you for driving all my shit away. Thank you for making me the kind of person I knew myself to be. Thank you for making me happy.
You know who you are…Thank you…most of all, thank you for taking care of my son.

White Flag

Today, I have made peace to the person who have costed me the most. Today, I have made peace with all the hurt I hold in this world. Today I have made a compromise to myself. To become free is to be done with all the pain. That is my choice. There lies my happiness, which I guard the most.

I know I can function better when I free all the reigns for the hatred I kept bottled up for weeks. I know that I can become more appreciative of all the things around me when I appreciate little virtues such as forgiveness and love. There exists a boundary between love and hatred. But I chose to love peace and leave hatred burning other souls and wrecking their littlest hope of actually becoming happy and content with their lives. I free everything that keeps me awake at night, fills my mind when I am alone. I decided to wish all those I love well and happiness and I hope they would wish me the same.

I know somehow, time will tell what will come of of this. But all I know that this is the most mature decision I have made today. Though some would react that I may be dreamy or that my stand sounds surreal, but as I see it, I am making my first step to a fuller life.

Life is a matter of choice…and what a “kilig” choice I made!

Yesterday, I finally decided to grace all my Thursday classes with my presence. Though school has already started a week ago, I needed time to collect myself and organize my thoughts and just be myself again. I was just a total wreck and even when I put myself to places where I needed to be, my thoughts weren’t exactly there. I was like in a bubble that is blown to directions where I needed to be.

After a tiring day, I opened my friendster account and saw that my sister left me a testimonial. As I have read line per line, I can’t help roll tears with the heartfelt message I saw. I just felt the love when I needed reassurance. I needed just that kind of reassurance when I seemed to have lost track of directions, of where I needed to be and what I should do. I was just shattered and having read the message just knocked up the bubble that was swallowing me whole.

So let’s go back to what happened in class. I was kind of early. My first subject was a blast. My classmates posed quite a challenge for me to keep up with (I have already missed 2 formal sessions) and my teacher was beaming on my remarks (talk about points for recitation, I did okay! Just to make up for my missed quiz). Then afternoon class came. I was kind of early, looking forward for more of the fun that started my day.

As I was seeing my classmates come inside the classroom one by one, I saw someone unwelcome. I saw someone that reminded so much of my EX. He has a dark brown complexion, he is just the same built, he is just the same hair and he has just the same posture…I can’t help but blink back and just hope I was dreaming…a constant reminder of HIM…and to my dismay, I discovered, this man will be my classmate everyday of the semester…

There are differences though. He seems to be the guy who is outspoken. His baritone voice booms every time he is asked to tell his opinion about the subject matter being discussed. I kind of liked the way he speaks, he seems to be smart and kind. For a newcomer, he seems to blend well and treats my classmates as buddies, me included.

So I needed to make a choice. Should I welcome ill-feelings and be constantly be tormented by this sort of reminder of my painful breakup or should I treat him as someone who I will be looking forward to coming to class to everyday. It wouldn’t hurt anyway for I was not meaning to be all romantic, I just wanted to see a better picture under the circumstance. It’s either I feel tormented and ruin my whole semester OR feel inspired and kilig, which really helps in keeping me from coming to class.

So I made my choice…and what a “kilig” choice I made!!!

All Newly Single-d Ladies, Listen up!!!

For all newly single ladies, listen up!

Enough of the pity trip…it’s time to move on.

Do it with me now…

Stop tormenting yourself with the thoughts of the past and explore new possibilities.

Like the bloodsucking scumbags that took you for granted, you have all the right to find happiness in your life…find out how.

An interesting movie line has taught me a useful and meaningful sentence that gave me a reality check:

“Every woman has the exact love life that she wanted.”

I totally agree. During these painful times in our lives, we tend to soak up with all the lovely memories of the past, which makes any breakup more painful to bear. Moving forward means forgetting all that. Of course, you can take with you some memories from which you have learned things, things that will enable you to do better next time, given the chance to have another person to share your wits and shits in life with.

Remember, the breakup is all about you. It may be painful but it is true.

I refuse to believe that this is the end of my love life, I certainly deserve better. Until the time comes that I accept the fact that I made a mistake and learned from it, I will make a perfect ending for my love story.

Stop hating. Holding that up will only cause you to ruin your next relationships. Just learn to live with it. Play a cheesy song, feel your pain, cry if that helps, but please don’t do that forever. Remember, coping with breakups normally takes days to get over with. It’s just a few days wasted in your life, don’t make it waste all the days in your life.

Remember what a beautiful person you are. Remember how an amazing woman you are. You are so wonderful that even the latest scumbag fell for you. He’s just not worth it. And you deserve better so the breakup seems to be meant to happen.

It may take a while but remember, you are an amazing person. You can deal with it.

Let’s cheers to starting an interesting chapter in our lives…Cheers!

drama Drama drama

There’s always drama in my life…sometimes, I find it annoying that life dumps these nonsensical problems in my life…haven’t I got enough…With that, I am living my life inside a bubble, a safe space in which I become untouchable and out of reach. Inside the bubble, I focus on what’s more important, I work out my focus, and I find reason if there’s still any to go on…drama drama drama…I always end up being the one who loses grip of everything I hold dear for. Perhaps I have an undiagnosed masochistic disorder running inside my brain. I just couldn’t figure out what seems to be wrong … why I always end up getting bad things when all I did was the right thing…does this mean that I should turn into a bad person so at least I will not stay on the losing side…I know all martyrs have earned their credit for all the pain, sorrow and sacrifices they have gone through standing up for what they believe in. of all the things in this world, I never dreamt of being a martyr…perhaps it’s turn to be bad this time…I have always tried to do the right thing yet I end up being the one who is taken for granted and the one who is left to bleed or practically to die with all the pain…I am fed up with life…It’s time that I turn bad…people change, sometimes, no matter how we try to always be good, there will always come a time when you will be compelled to against everything you believe is right to make something good happen…I am making that “good” happen…

I am in nowhere special

I am wandering
Too long finding answers
I have made too many wrongs
I have shed too many tears

I rest my weary heart now…

I wish there was a map
To tell me the way
I am much too tired
Walking alone

I look forward to the day
When I would settle down
Lay on my laurels
And just live day by day

By then I will take a hike
On the valley by dawn
And by the time sun sets
I shall be in a special place called home

…home

Baby, the time will come
Be patient, bear some more
I will be coming home
I will be coming home to you…

Somehow, some day
I will walk by your side
I was just hoping
To share coffee with you in each stride.

Will I recognize you
Do you know me still
The future looks vague
But it holds promise…coming home

Soon…it will be home

But for now…let me be
Let me be myself
Let me get lost
To find myself
Explore
Enjoy some more
Live!

My promise is told…it will be home soon…


...FROM THE SERIES OF EXPRESSIONS

"HOPE"

BY WENDASTARR