Writing...Again

I thought I will never come to this point again. But I am here now and I must never neglect this writing haven I have built for myself some years ago. In the coming days, I would like to do a post journal for all of the experiences I can remember from the past year. It's a pity I missed writing about so many things. Although I am quite surprised at how hard it really is to be a teacher, I have learned a lot from the experience. Now, I am back to my old job and to the work I have come to love. This must be fate working, or maybe just career decision. But all I know isI am back to writing for now. Who knows what I will do next. Sorry blog, Mama's home and I will feed you more with my memories, nonsense and everything else that made and makes my life quite a ride.

'Till next!

PS. I'll leave you to marvel at this sketch of Katniss and Peeta. May she capture your heart the same way she did to mine. She's just so lovely!

My Calling

I have never thought of myself to be working with children. Funny, I wasn't a great fan of people from that age group. However, having a child of my own changed all my prejudices about our little tyrants. I find it refreshing and livening to be surrounded by energetic creatures. I look forward to being part of their daily life. I look forward to contributing in building their know-how in dealing with the world they live in. I look forward to all new experiences with them. After all, I am still and forever will be a student of a course called "life". This marks a new chapter in my career...which will teach me more on how to be a better adult and example to the young ones...especially my son.

I did IT!

It was my graduation week. Suddenly, my hopes of finishing my college education came true. All the hard work, long work hours, study periods, cramming periods, tiring days and nights, and time spent away from my son rewarded me with this single sheet of paper called "college diploma". Then suddenly, it hit me... what am I going to do now? Where do I go from here? What things should I pursue now that my ultimate goal has finally been reached. Then it sinked in that I now have to figure out more things to do with my life. But similar to my experiences with my previously achieved goals, I know that I have to toil and work harder this time to achieve more things that I wanted in my life.

Of course, I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who helped me make the "impossible" possible.

As the "MIA" writer that I am, I would like to express my heartfelt thanks to my boss - my friend, Sandi for always finding it in her heart to understand my interesting predicament. Thank you for being a great boss, a friend and an inspiration for a struggling writer and mother like me. As it is, you're doing a great job on your own and I'd like to bring that positive attitude in my life.

As a stubborn sister, daughter and niece that I am, I would like to thank my family for the support and affection that consistently gave me strength to go through everything that is necessary to reach my goals. I am what I am because you guys helped me become what I am ... a winner!

As a reluctant, confused, dramatic, neurotic yet trying-to-be-the-coolest-young-hot-mother that I am, I would like to dedicate my achievements to my SON, my everything. This is just the start so NJ, just hang in for this will be quite a ride!

Lastly, I dedicate everything to my greatest inspiration... the never tiring and unconditional love and affection that you have bestowed upon me was what held me through it all. It is your love that SAVED my life and I promise to live out the most of the life that YOU gave me. Dear Lord, you are the greatest love I have seen in my life. My love for my son, my family and my loved one --- my love for them is a reflection of what you gave me. Thank you for teaching me everything I know now... and I look forward to the tests that you will give me. I am eternally grateful dear Lord, you've protected me from making wrong decisions, you enlightened me of the persons who have taken from me and hurt me. I pray to you for peace in mind and heart of every person's life I have touched, for every person who brought hurt and shame into my life, for the people who helped me and supported me... as I would hope to give them the same courtesy they have given me. Thank you for everything. I pray for my heartfelt thanks in Jesus' name.....AMEN

My Green Treat!!!

You just seem to get what I want. And for my birthday, you managed to be right on point, giving me the best gifts --- in my favorite color and in my favorite flavor. I hope everything will work out for you this time...  Crazy but it's amazing what happens when the skies clear out,, all conflicts settled and issues are mended. All is better now. Good luck to you! Stay away from crazies ahright? I will see you though...SOON!

XoXo

Can't stop smiling

everything is just so serene. for some reasons, I couldn't stop smiling. i feel so inspired. thanks for making me happy... my best friend. thanks!

happy fwends

Yesterday, I spent the day laughing so much, I can feel my jaw aching for all the exercises and stretches it made. Yesterday, I spent the day talking about things in life, difficulties that I thought I will never survive, but flawlessly surpassed. Then I thought to myself, I can go on living with simple and meaningful times like this. It is the people I spend time with that make me feel better about my issues with life. It is the people that I bond with that make me feel I can do so much better and I am doing better than before. Sometimes, when I feel low and a bit uncertain about my actions, they seem to give me a mirror where I can see every aspect of my action, to which I will admit mistakes, commend good attitudes and be surprised at the things I did, good or bad. My harshest critics, my truth committee, my friends. I don’t what what’s in me but seems like I am a magnet for great friends. God knows I love ‘em, ‘cause I need them. I hope I manage to bring them same kind of joy that they give me in the littlest gesture, joke, advice and laughter. 

Pride

A professor of mine mentioned that when the western culture screams “leave me alone”, the Filipino culture would say, “don’t leave me alone”. One distinct characteristic of Filipinos is always having companions in doing the most trivial tasks. A lady always needs someone to tag along with her pursuits, like the comfort room for instance. When buying a dress, she definitely needs the approval of her friends before deciding on which piece to take. On the other hand, men tend to court women through their friends. As the cliché goes, no Filipino men go into battle alone, they often use human shields…LOL!

After spending quality time alone, I realized that I didn't feel depressed, low or at loss at any thing. I was raised to be an independent woman who faces life’s challenges head-on, that means shopping alone, going to school alone, going to girl scout camping alone and more things I already forgot. Never was I in the habit of asking my friends to accompany me at doing something, unless we agree on doing something together, for practicality’s sake. Even when I treat my son on occasions, I am more comfortable going alone with only him and me, hand in hand. I was never the needy or clingy type, which is often misunderstood as cold or unfeeling or simply "suplada". It’s just that I am not in the habit of bothering people with my own business. Call it everything you want, but my going solo in most things that I do is my personal brand of pride...pride that whatever I have and whatever I will have, besides my family, that's all thanks to ME. Thanks honey for understanding that.

Solitude

Today, I have spent quality time with myself. I just realized that I am losing my balance at handling things and that maybe I am a little uptight about some things. So I went on a solo date with myself. I went to the cinema alone, dined and tested the menu of the Italian resto near my school, tried out some window shopping, debated on whether or not to cut my hair short…again. I was happy to have done those things, things that I used to do when I was single, when I had no obligations yet, when I was free in many ways. Trying to squeeze some Me-time in quite a hectic daily routine is difficult especially when you need to do many things... for the sake of responsibility and obligations. It’s not about whining. It’s just realizing that as I become busy of taking care of things, I often forgot to take care of Me. Sometimes, it is not a bad thing to do something selfish once in a while…as long as it keeps you happy, it keeps you sane and it makes you feel like YOURSELF under any strain. 

To My Everything

June 4, 2010 is my son’s 5th birthday. In my continuing tradition of writing him a belated post for his birthday, here's what I have in mind:

Son, the past year has been extremely difficult for me. Mama was in a rollercoaster ride of her life. I was betrayed by the people whom I thought would care for us and we were left behind to face and settle the mess … we were left on our own. Thankfully, we have a wonderful family that has been our rock and strength for all these years. Although I once failed to blink back my tears and showed you a miniscule moment of my weakness, you were there to ease my pain. Your hugs kept me going, your faith in me kept me believing in myself. You made me feel your love and your impact in my life, which I realized to be everything I needed to settle with all the difficulties and all the pain that life has given us.

During my lowest points, you were there to watch DVD marathons of my favorite movies, sitting beside me until you fall asleep, staying with me even when you don’t like what I was watching. Whenever I need air to breathe, I just watch you, full of energy, full of life, making me realize that there is still more good things in my life…YOU. Whenever I needed a breather, we go to the arcade together, we eat ice cream together, we laugh, play games … even for the slightest measurement of time, I forgot my problems, I forgot all my pain … you replaced it with hope, love and forgiveness.

The thing is that during those times that I needed to be taken cared of, you were there. You and your huge curious eyes looking up at me, feeling that there was something wrong with me. You kept me sane and you brought me back to what I was, what I used to be and what I will become…your devoted mom.

In a short span of five years, you have taught me all about life, strength and purpose. You gave me the love that I was looking for, in all directions. You made me realize what I can be, which is the best person and the best mother any kid can ever have. I will have that as my life’s mission, because son … you deserve the best.

Sometimes, when I marvel at your beauty and awesomeness, I think back and say, “what did I ever do to deserve you?”

But then I realized, no matter how hard things can be, life will only get better as long as you are there, by my side, adoring me as your strict disciplinarian, crazy buddy, your clueless tutor, your bully, your friend, your first love… your Mama … your everything as you are my everything.

I love you son, five years since the day I was gifted with the best son any parent can ever have. Five years have passed and we are getting better. I am getting better at this mothering thing…because of you…because you help me become one for both of US.

You are not Alone

Many times, people suffer in silence, tucked away in a corner of solitude. They wallow into their own issues and problems, trying to find solutions that would prevent the worst to come. Many times, people think the worst could happen, entertaining pessimism, which cultivate depression, frustrations and disappointments and cloud their better judgment. They think they were the only ones suffering as they are.

Then suddenly, when reality kicks in, clarity will be upon their shoulders. When people suffer together, there forms an inexplicable bond that gathers them together in suffering, in pain and through adversities. Many times, you thought you were the only one suffering, but that was before you turned to your neighbors, to your brothers and to your sisters.

People suffer together. We all have our own problems. But to the billions of people living in this world, there are several dozens and hundreds that are dealing with the same problems you have. There are dozens and hundreds of people feeling the same pain, enduring the same trials and hating the ones who’ve wronged them.

The thing is, we are not alone. No matter how hard life becomes, we are never alone. People suffer together, become happy together as they live in the same world where we all exist. So hang in there, you are not alone. You’ve got dozens and hundreds of people suffering and fighting the same battles you have, hating the same kind of people you hate and changing the same mistakes that you also made.

Hello Everyone

I am sorry for neglecting my blog for a few days. I was just having an interesting issue to deal with that’s why. I just don’t know why people are offering their support this way. But I truly appreciate their concern. You see, I was cheated on right? Then while I was out enjoying myself, I seem to become a magnet of information I so desperately seek during those times when I needed explanation on a helluva lot of things about why I need to suffer this and that and all. It was just interesting that as I patch everything up, I discover how much of a fool I was to believe that my life was just perfect...that I needed some reality kick to realize..."hey, I was the last one to know." Surprised pa daw ang drama mo, well I was really surprised. But then, I was actually grinning with delight. Was that an oxymoron? Well, hell, I just felt good some truth landed on me without asking.

All the more that I am convinced that these people are rubbing their shoulders on me and will be to find a better place in my life. I see pity in their eyes, but I don’t mind. Months ago, I deserved that. But now? Maybe, but I have made peace with all these. It’s just that the closure I was still waiting for just landed on my lap without even asking. Thank you folks for caring. Thank you for the pity. I know that the next time you see me, I’ll make you all proud. I will be far off from the thrashed Wendy you are looking right at. That is a promise.

So she was the friend friend of your lady cousin ... I dunno but I just fell off...Anyways, I have made my peace...Just wait and see of what I will become out of these...'till then I will sing praise and thanks all of you. It's just I felt ill feeling like schemed upon believing a lie...But I got past through all that now...Well I really do hope happiness for you both because at this point, I don't know what value life is to you but well, LOVE?… I raise eyebrows and push them down. Hell, everything, too much information is sometimes a curse. I definitely welcome cynical thoughts. Hays, it'll get better. Aye?

FUN

Everyone has been encouraging me to have fun. They are telling me to go out there, meet people and just DO HAVE REAL FUN… perhaps you know what I mean… I admit to have thought about it, what would that make me if I did what I was told to DO? When everyone else is telling you to do things, it does not necessarily mean that you need to do as they say. You still reflect on all the things that you believe in and stay with the conviction that makes you someone that is exactly YOU, then you decide. No one should order you to do things to enjoy all the fun that you can grab out of your life. When everything is a play, nothing makes sense at all. I may not find reasons to everything that happens in my life but I try to make it as simple as it can get. No more conflicts, just pure fun. I am never the kind of person to use people to make me feel better about myself. That way, I would make a monster out of me. I would never intentionally hurt people just because I am miserable.

I don’t want to validate ‘fun’ time with using other people. Though it seems to be a ‘manang’ thought, I just don’t do things that way. Perhaps if I finally do, I can say that I don’t have an ounce of care in this world and to the people I meet. Well I am already having fun listening to the suckers giving me hilarious and shocking suggestions on how to start a fun single life, but that’s just the way it’s gonna be, just a suggestion(hic).

I find comfort to the words of encouragement that I am getting from people. As I have told my friends before, those words certainly gives my ego and confidence quite a kick. But then, I choose to take things slow. I don’t want to get tied up with things that I can never face in the morning anyways. So guys, have fun your way and I’ll do it in my own quiet and simple ways. And if I failed to say so, you guys where so much fun to be with than by doing the fun things you make me do…hahaha…

I'm a Survivor

We all are survivors in our own little battles in life. Sometimes, you thought you already lost it all, but later on you realize that whatever is lost paved way for more beautiful things in your life to happen. At first, you thought that your world has already crumbled, but in the end you realize that losing battles is sometimes necessary to turn you to directions where you will be so much better. I once wrote in my journal that I am in nowhere special. I was nowhere to the special place where I felt I would be happy and complete. I was not even in the place where I intended to be…but God put me in a place that is much more meaningful for it made me rethink about my direction and decisions in life.

The road to the place where I am now is not easy. There were tears, there was desperation and there was pain. I have endured so much but it seems that those were not enough to make me become the person that God sees me to be. Perhaps he wanted me to soften up and just be human. I have been so blindsided by so many things in life that I overlooked the little things and the little people that made me feel important and well-loved.

My experiences led me to people who appreciate me as I appreciate them. It led me to an inspiration that I never thought I would ever have at this point of my life. My experience made me realize that life has more things in store for me. I have a lot of things going on in my life, but they are all really making me happier every day. I have closed my doors once, now I am more open to what else is there to surprise me.

God, I will be looking forward to more of your surprises for it made me saner and gave my life better purpose. Perhaps You are preparing me for my Mr. Right and the road to HIM surely is not easy. But till the time I finally met him, I thank you for guiding me through the pain and despair. It is YOU that I wanted to thank for all the strength that I have discovered I have. Thank you for washing away the anger in me, thank you for giving me a stronger heart to understand and somewhat learn to forgive. Now I will be ready to take on any challenge you will throw at me because I know it is Your way of leading me to the place where You will allow me to put my life’s pieces together and finally make me whole and happy.

Life is a matter of choice…and what a “kilig” choice I made!

Yesterday, I finally decided to grace all my Thursday classes with my presence. Though school has already started a week ago, I needed time to collect myself and organize my thoughts and just be myself again. I was just a total wreck and even when I put myself to places where I needed to be, my thoughts weren’t exactly there. I was like in a bubble that is blown to directions where I needed to be.

After a tiring day, I opened my friendster account and saw that my sister left me a testimonial. As I have read line per line, I can’t help roll tears with the heartfelt message I saw. I just felt the love when I needed reassurance. I needed just that kind of reassurance when I seemed to have lost track of directions, of where I needed to be and what I should do. I was just shattered and having read the message just knocked up the bubble that was swallowing me whole.

So let’s go back to what happened in class. I was kind of early. My first subject was a blast. My classmates posed quite a challenge for me to keep up with (I have already missed 2 formal sessions) and my teacher was beaming on my remarks (talk about points for recitation, I did okay! Just to make up for my missed quiz). Then afternoon class came. I was kind of early, looking forward for more of the fun that started my day.

As I was seeing my classmates come inside the classroom one by one, I saw someone unwelcome. I saw someone that reminded so much of my EX. He has a dark brown complexion, he is just the same built, he is just the same hair and he has just the same posture…I can’t help but blink back and just hope I was dreaming…a constant reminder of HIM…and to my dismay, I discovered, this man will be my classmate everyday of the semester…

There are differences though. He seems to be the guy who is outspoken. His baritone voice booms every time he is asked to tell his opinion about the subject matter being discussed. I kind of liked the way he speaks, he seems to be smart and kind. For a newcomer, he seems to blend well and treats my classmates as buddies, me included.

So I needed to make a choice. Should I welcome ill-feelings and be constantly be tormented by this sort of reminder of my painful breakup or should I treat him as someone who I will be looking forward to coming to class to everyday. It wouldn’t hurt anyway for I was not meaning to be all romantic, I just wanted to see a better picture under the circumstance. It’s either I feel tormented and ruin my whole semester OR feel inspired and kilig, which really helps in keeping me from coming to class.

So I made my choice…and what a “kilig” choice I made!!!

I am Psyched!!!

Guess what my friends…I just met one of Philippine’s finest writer and literature artist today…Ricky Lee lang naman pangalan niya… ang tao sa likod ng obrang “Himala” at kabahagi sa panulat ng mga pelikulang “Madrasta” at “Anak” ng Star Cinema…two of m favorite Filipino movies of all time. He is such a kind person, very down to earth…and so, I went on my panic buying mode, bought his very first novel (Para kay B) and went along the long line of people asking Mr. Lee of Daet, Camarines Sur to personally sign his dedication…talk about first celebrity autograph moments, I went gaga, jaw-dropped and pasted a strain smile, feeling stupid yet very overwhelmed of seeing someone in the flesh who made his mark through literature, my first love…through his encouraging words, I found hope and assurance that in any form, writing surely is driven by passion. He said, no book can ever teach you to write; otherwise, there would be no shortage for good stories…if so, why is there a shortage of good Filipino writers. Perhaps by the word “good”, he means a writer who is actually good and has successfully made an impression to the Filipino readers.

I am not saying that I wanted to become something like him…I wanted to have the spirit he has. He glows with pride of what he does for a living. I wanted to see myself enjoying the fulfillment and the support he obviously earned by doing the thing that he loves the most. That is, creating and webbing stories that are truthful, honest and nothing close to a fairy-tale.

Too bad we do not have brought a camera so I can brag something to you guys...all I have is a free copy of a best-selling Ricky Lee book in my hands...well, that's a better freebie anyway...

My little Boy is growing too Fast in my eyes

Four years ago, I was preparing for the coming of a son that I never wanted at first. Admittedly, I was reluctant to face the responsibilities of being a parent, fearing that I would become the worst parent that ever lived in this world...the pressure is there to make everything right because as a parent, you will mold your child's personality, education...basically everything that he will ever become...so just imagine an unprepared messed up mother-to-be facing that...Crazy!!!


fast forward to three years later, I realized that being a parent isn't so bad at all. You just continue doing great things for your child and you will be alright...After all, there's no better parent for your child or your child-to-be but you. It is a gift of life that will teach so many things...inexplicable things that in the long run, will make you whole...Just imagine the power you have, being responsible in creating a child that you yourself would want to be.










At a late breakfast yesterday, I have taken this photo...it just reminded me what Sundays are supposed to be, bonding with family...He is my only family, a family I am nurturing single-handedly. It's just so peaceful to see simple joys in those eyes...makes me wonder of more years looking through those eyes, being happy staying with the parent or mother that he made me become.



I am leaving you with a candid picture of my son and my father...this would be surely be a nice memory lane photo in the future...