Feeling Old

Yes. Old. This was my first thought this morning. Not because I feel aches here and there or that I already noticed having my first facial lines, not yet. I felt old because the first thing I did coming out of bed this morning is fixing breakfast, tending to the plants and yard, running my laundry for machine wash and laying out my computer in the kitchen table while waiting for everyone to gather and start with breakfast. With a cup of joe nearby, I started skimming the morning news online. Then I thought, this is so stereotypically old. When was the last time that I just woke up then thought of where to go and how to gather my friends for some 411? I used to be so fun and so selfish and just plain focussed on how to spend the day albeit thoughts of work, child needs to get uniforms, meals to prepare for the day and other domestic stuff. Have I been so domesticated and old? Or did I just grew up to be a responsible old person. I don't blame the society for being too harsh about aging but since 30 became the new 20, I was at lost of roles... then I thought maybe I was the one just fussing about being old when what's happening is just I became responsible for many things that concerns not only myself but some other people I care about, and that I began caring for them, like I am supposed to do.

So I settled into thinking that I am just growing up, responsibly that is. Growing old, I'll get there, but it's too early for that right now.

It's a Bitch to Grow Up

I actually borrowed this title from an Alanis Morissette song. Boy if I can only meet this fine artist, I would hold her hand and thank her for every song that she made. They really helped me straighten up my life and move on from all the dark chapters of the love that I had.

“I’ve spent my life hovering above bottom

Thinking I can’t survive what’s below”

Below…low points…I have been there and those times were nasty.

“…and there was no other direction to go…”

In every decision we make, we tend to get a feeling of whether it is wrong or right before everything goes for the better…or worst. If it sends you to a better place, then you must have done something good. But if it is sending you downhill and it feels that you can’t escape, you got no choice but hold on and brace yourself for all the consequences that you have to face… and even if you try your mightiest to escape, all the more that these problem and consequences stick around and bother you, unfinished businesses, keeping you from moving forward with your life… And at that same point, through all your uncertainties, pain, remorse, regret and efforts to change, you will realize that you actually have a lot more to learn…It is at that point that you start to really GROW UP.

“I feel done, I feel raked over coals, and all that remains is the case…that it’s a bitch to grow.”

It’s ironic right? Had you known what’s gonna be the ending of your conquests, would you have done it regardless of the future?

Persistence

My son should be my model of persistence. Earlier this morning, after his tutoring class, he came home surprisingly very quiet. he laid down his "mall" pants and shirt and shoes, took a shower and put on his underwear, all on his own. He even yanked his towel on the clothesline, all on his own. I did not pay too much attention to what he was doing because I was working with my laptop. He just did and then I was a bit surprised that he suddenly came by my side, tugging my arm. "Mama, I am ready to go to Legazpi." I did not promise him to go out today. He just thought of that, went on his way and just informed me, "Mama we are going to the mall in Legazpi." I was left stunned. He fixed everything himself. He even had my blouse and shorts laid out in my bed. At barely five years old, this little tyrant surprises me everyday, much more NOW.

I was just impressed about his guts. and then I thought, why can't I go like that. Wherever did he get such a commanding attitude when all I wanted is to be invisible for all my life.

I hate messing up

I hate messing up.
Even as a child, I was hands on to everything that I needed to do. Sounds confusing right? But then, most children with a complete set get help in doing things that they needed to do either in school or in everything else. They may be assisted in preparing their notebooks and stuff; they are assisted registering their name in the school’s list of enrollees while I am left to fend for myself…always.
This morning, that old feeling of “I hate messing” just came to realization without comprehensible reason, perhaps because I needed to do a bulk of articles later on and the projects are somewhat demanding that makes me feel so anxious right now. I hate messing up because since I am responsible for myself, I was left to fend for myself at an early age, messing up would mean messing up ME.
I can’t rely on no one to take care of me, that is why in the slightest mistake that I make, I realize that those mistakes will ultimately fall on me and just me. I don’t want that. Just like anyone else who is parenting themselves, they would want everything to be done right. Because if not, who else will?
Even sometimes, I am doubting if I am doing the parenting thing right…sometimes I am anxious if my son would end up like me, a completely insecure and complex person that always needed reassurance that everything will be alright…I know no one can achieve perfection but hey, I just wanted the best for myself, especially for my son. What kind of person would not want that?
It just bothers me that I have repressed so many of my childhood memories and I did not even have enough pictures to tell me stories on how I performed during my kindergarten years. I have forgotten what it’s like being a child. I am not sure if I was happy as a child. I am not sure if I raised myself well enough to say, “I am complete no matter what”. Why else would these ugly feelings come out now?
Or maybe, I just needed more of that “growing up” time to feel better in time.