Mumbling...Thinking

For so long, I have been quite concerned about comparing my life with others, especially with those whom I attended school with. It gives me much concern that I might be really falling behind. You see I didn’t finish college in my “ideal” and “planned” setting. ‘Got knocked up but learned a lot. Admittedly, there are sacrifices that come as a default for young unwed mothers like me, like being slow in chasing a career. Like being unsure if this career or job would be enough to feed me and my baby, or is the job cool enough to feed my ego, which is pretty much on the sensitive side given that I felt I really missed a lot and have to make up for all of that---but I can’t.

Suddenly, as I was sweating out my first articles at work, which I did in lightning speed, I realized that this is something that I am good at. It may not be the coolest job but it is a job that I do well. It is a job that I feel really comfortable doing because it is the job that keeps me sane. Although people may disagree that this is the smartest choice of career for me, maybe I am just not who they think I am because I am happy and settled at what I do, which is actually great. So I've got to pull myself together and start smiling. I'm spending so much time worrying and being unhappy about things that should not matter. I'm getting allergies already, which according to WebMd, is a sign of stress.So wake up nutty head! Go back to work!

someone's always saying good bye

I always hated “good byes”. As a kid, it makes me feel unwanted, unloved, and ultimately rejected. Whenever my favorite aunt comes to visit, I dread the day that she would return back to her home…far away from me. It was like taking away my happiness. I always associate “good byes” with sad memories that seem to linger on which may be the reason why I hated being alone or being by myself. I would go crazy if I would have to stay by myself. As I grew older, I leaned on friendships to survive my struggles concerning “good byes”. I hated being said good bye to. If those people who have become dear and close to my heart would deeply observe, I never look into the eye whenever I bid good bye. I hate it so much. But to my surprise, time and experiences haven’t helped me overcome such a childish mean of acquisition. I always find life more interesting with all these people surrounding me. They make me feel better. They make me feel alive. They just make me feel better about myself. And I don’t know why. Loneliness for me is madness. What I find hard to understand is that I have never addressed this issue in my life before. I just managed to feel this disdain all my life yet I could not work it out yet. Just feel and cry along with all these “good byes” in my life. I bury into nothingness, clueless and simply feeling empty. I guess I have to get over “good byes” because the world is not a good-bye-free world. Someone will always leave and may not return. But I am not a kid anymore. I am stronger now. And no matter how many “good byes” I would need to suffer, I know I am still this child that hates parting ways but is hopeful that more of “hellos” would sweeten my future encounters.