Heavy Load

Sometimes, in life, people either leave or are left behind. This is a normal part of life. It is easy to be hurt and be sad when we are the ones being left by the people who matter in our lives. On the other hand, people who leave either feel relieved or numb from the loneliness and emptiness that they are bound to face...

Friendships, love, relationships...leaving...these are normal parts of life. The load of dealing with life sometimes becomes too heavy to bear, and we need to shed some load to move on. Sometimes, we are compelled to make compromises to make situations in life bearable. I'd like to think that the time I spend with the people who mattered in my life is one that they will carry on...I hope that the memories I have built with them is something that they will always keep close to their hearts... that even when distance separated me from these people, I will always be remembered, I will always matter.

So when I meet these people once again, it's just like old times... no matter how we've changed.

I am Home

I have been away from my laptop for so long, but the time off was all worth it. I just came from a spiritual retreat, which I attended because it is a requirement for graduation in school. Never did I thought that the experience will blow me away. Never did I thought that I needed that time to be just still, alone in silence, opening up my heart to what my soul needs, listening up to the words I refused to hear from my own self.

My days are crammed with time for work, for school and for my son. During my idle hours, I prefer to plug my ears with my headphones so I can listen to some music. I thought I was listening to music for relaxation, but then I realized that I just want to refrain from listening to my own voice, which screams that I need to do something to settle all my unfinished business and go on with my life with no guilt and other unwanted and unhelpful baggage.

My 3-day spiritual encounters and reflections of my life made me realize that there are still more things that I should be thankful for, but for some reason, I tend to focus on the things that I want and I don’t have. But then these wants are but a scratch to what I already have. On its own, my life is complete and I got everything going for me, yet for some reason, I still manage to find things to complain about.

When I envy the lives of other people, I didn’t realize that my life is also worthy of other people’s envy. I never thought of it that way. Perhaps the time spent in seclusion with nothing but reflections, worship and prayer is everything I needed to bring back the peace in my life.

In my confessions, I have learned to forgive myself for all the faults I buried deep in my heart. As I kneel for forgiveness, I also have learned to forgive myself, I have learned that with all the pains and hardships in my life, the silver lining will soon appear and make me smile once again for brighter tomorrows. I have learned that no matter how long I went away, it is never too late to come home to my God, the ever loving, ever forgiving and ever understanding father I never had.

As I stepped off the bus and into the hustles and bustles of the city, I felt peace inside me. I felt light and it was so easy for me to smile to strangers. I am a new person now. I am better. As I realized that God embraces me with love in every breath and pain I take, I know I can survive it all. What else can beat that? Now, I don’t fear anything at all. I am finally HOME, and I am never going anywhere else again. 

It's a Bitch to Grow Up

I actually borrowed this title from an Alanis Morissette song. Boy if I can only meet this fine artist, I would hold her hand and thank her for every song that she made. They really helped me straighten up my life and move on from all the dark chapters of the love that I had.

“I’ve spent my life hovering above bottom

Thinking I can’t survive what’s below”

Below…low points…I have been there and those times were nasty.

“…and there was no other direction to go…”

In every decision we make, we tend to get a feeling of whether it is wrong or right before everything goes for the better…or worst. If it sends you to a better place, then you must have done something good. But if it is sending you downhill and it feels that you can’t escape, you got no choice but hold on and brace yourself for all the consequences that you have to face… and even if you try your mightiest to escape, all the more that these problem and consequences stick around and bother you, unfinished businesses, keeping you from moving forward with your life… And at that same point, through all your uncertainties, pain, remorse, regret and efforts to change, you will realize that you actually have a lot more to learn…It is at that point that you start to really GROW UP.

“I feel done, I feel raked over coals, and all that remains is the case…that it’s a bitch to grow.”

It’s ironic right? Had you known what’s gonna be the ending of your conquests, would you have done it regardless of the future?

Now's the time

For so long, I have been relying on other people to tell me how to fix my life. I have been waiting on that one person to complete me and give me the reassurance I needed to straighten up my life. I thought I can rely on people, I thought I needed to be taken cared for. But now I realized that I have been doing all those things for other people but myself. I am left hanging, waiting and postponing things in my own life, and for what? It is time to make up my own mind. It is time to do things my way. It is time to for me to hold on to my own steering wheel and lead the way. I can do this, I know I can. I am capable, I am strong and I can do it. Just a few months more, I will sure do it this time. I want my son to be proud of me and I will never disappoint him, not this time.

to Love again

Have you ever dealt with trust issues? Now that I am making a few attempts to turn my life around, back to the way I was once, I find it hard to trust people. I was thinking that every candidate who approaches me will only hurt me in the end. If you just came out from a relationship in which you gave your all, it is so hard to trust love…to trust yourself to love again. I guess it’s normal, but I don’t want to linger on this issue any longer.

Maybe I haven’t forgiven myself yet. That’s why it is so hard for me to trust…trust myself to trust other people with my heart again, being too afraid of getting hurt again. But maybe, just maybe, if the feeling is right, I guess I wouldn’t have to deal with these conflicting emotions anymore. I guess if the right one comes, I would say “to hell with everything”. And then, shall I see myself happy again, without any ounce of worry. The thing is, I have survived a few deathly heartaches. Whatever can I not survive now?

Be free, soar beyond expectations. Free yourself to feel.

Turning Tables

Just when everything seems to be fine and okay, a friend of mine asked me an advice on how will she ever go on since her boyfriend has also cheated her for another girl.

This was really interesting. I honestly don’t know what to say. How can I ever advise someone of a thing that is so difficult, so painful and so utterly disgusting to deal with? I can’t find words to describe how the first few days will be like hell. It would be like contemplating on strangling the necks of the basterds or simply get on with life in a more peaceful way. Or should I say, contemplating on pitying yourself or trying to be as angry as ever, like practically bringing hell as most people would say. No person deserves an experience like this. Nobody. That is for the simple reason that it doesn’t make anything right or that it does not make sense.

Either the other woman is great with sexual favors or in other talents, it’s not enough reason to leave a person hanging right there and be even expected to be faithful as one do such a disgusting act. A person who has been nothing but loyal and devoted certainly does not deserve that kind of treatment, which makes the cheater quite an ass… Thinking that these acts are premeditated, it’s just disgusting to discover a person whom you trusted would do a thing like that to you.

So instead, I offered her two options. It’s either to continue hoping and living with this guy thinking at the back of your mind that he can do that again and that he can hurt you again or a life that is open for other possibilities, including finding someone who will value you for what you truly are. At the beginning, it would be feeling like you got stabbed behind your back. Betrayal is never a good thing. Things will be hard, perhaps the hardest thing you will ever deal in your life. But the thing is, you’ll survive. The question is, when you have already moved on and he saw you are happy in the arms of a better man…can he survive that?

Tables are turned so soon…I feel that I am still not qualified to give an advice on this. But the thing is, I am happy with what I have become out of the experience…and happy with my “exploring life’s possibilities”. I know, she’ll get by…just as I did.

I'm Cool with NOW

Nothing last forever, someone special may come into our lives, love us and promise us the world, but the moment you turn they are gone. In the future, it’s really interesting to meet this person who caused all the hurt in your heart. The person who made you open your eyes to the reality that life is no fairy tale and that the ultimate thing you have to accept in life is that spoken words are not to be trusted and that love is just love. It’s just a brand you use to rationalize your reasons for being with someone special. But of course, the memories of good times will always be there. No one and nothing can erase that. It even makes such meeting thrilling and fortuitous. Sharing a part of our life with that special person is not something that you can simply erase because of all the bad things that have happened. As we shared our life with that special someone, we leave part of us with that person, which perhaps makes them difficult to let go. But as the world continue to move, life goes on and you will move on, explore new possibilities and find new love. So when the ‘meeting’ comes, all you will remember will be the nice marks of that same person you used to love and embrace life with.

Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
Seems to me, we were meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right

We were never meant for do or die
We were never meant for forever, it’s a lie.
I didn't want us to burn out, so rules were never set
You came and went; I stayed with your mess
I didn't come into your life; you came to mine and for what?

So many times, you made me hate you but I dared not complain
Because I feared I would lost you if I do
You said you got the most respect for me
But why caused me tears and despair?
Still you walked away and left me wondering what made me do all that for you...

Looking at you made things easier
I know that you found another
Again, as always, I stayed with your mess
Nothing’s changed, nothing’s earned, nothing’s lost

I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
Because then I realized, all the love wasn't enough to grow fonder
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
As we take this road, somehow someone's gotta go
I want you to move on, so I'm already gone

It all started with a perfect kiss,
Even then, I felt the illusion set in
but perfect couldn't keep our love alive
You know that I loved you so, I LOVED you and I love you enough to let you go

Someone’s gotta give
Someone’s gotta go
This time, I’ll go
And who’s to give? I know…

Life Starts Again

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. "

stumbling at some point in life is not enough reason to be sad and lonely forever. there is always a chance to turn life around. and every time you take hold of that chance, what you don't realize is that you actually mark a new chapter in your life. every time you take a chance, you start fresh. though you may not succeed in all your attempts, you shouldn't see it as a personal failure. that is because the thing people call 'failure' is not the 'falling down' but the 'staying down'.

everyone may have heard lines like WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER DOOR OPENS. It even goes like WHEN THE DOORS CLOSE, THE WINDOWS OPEN...or something like that. but the thing is, in every door that closes, we can't help but get stuck on longingly hoping for it to open again. we tend to cast a long and regretful look on that door...that we fail to see the the ones that was opened just for us.

The Tunnel

Sometimes the present can become so dark as to cast a shadow. But shadows cast behind you and in front of you…it will remain and will always be part of your life. The present may be rough, hard and painful. It may probably extend to be a dark time up ahead, but I believe, this part of life is a tunnel, not a cave... There’s always a light at the end of it.

Your grief is momentary. Your pain is may be long-standing. But the thing is, it is bearable.

Right now, it's just important to surround yourself with Love, so you don't carry all the negativity on your shoulders.

Exercise a life that is separate from everything that have caused you pain. Prepare yourself to be strong enough to face the future on your own. As you work through your issues, keep looking forward. Chant encouraging words. Tell yourself that you are doing just fine and that will do much better each day.

Keep the Light On. Keep the light at the end of the tunnel…

Life Under Construction

I have decided to start organizing my life. I have been all over the place and I am lost of excuses to justify my 'cluttered' life. Just my way of taking all things slow, simple and manageable.

It is so easy to expose yourself and share your affection to everyone, but apparently, with all that is left of me, I wanted to save space for all the people who matter in my life. Just my way of finding my own center.

I have started by organizing my friends list. Not that I am limiting myself to a number of people or being snob or whatever, I am just starting something new. I am starting something big that is beyond my hands. It is just symbolic that I wanted to start small, as it is all that I can handle.

I am fixing things, personal things that are left for time to get over with. Who knows?! After this, everything will be alright. This is my way of getting everything fresh and new and helpful. Only to those who matters. I am all to only those who matters and who made me feel I mattered in their lives.

Thanks for understanding. Thanks for the love. I appreciate everything. I will remember everything.

Hello Everyone

I am sorry for neglecting my blog for a few days. I was just having an interesting issue to deal with that’s why. I just don’t know why people are offering their support this way. But I truly appreciate their concern. You see, I was cheated on right? Then while I was out enjoying myself, I seem to become a magnet of information I so desperately seek during those times when I needed explanation on a helluva lot of things about why I need to suffer this and that and all. It was just interesting that as I patch everything up, I discover how much of a fool I was to believe that my life was just perfect...that I needed some reality kick to realize..."hey, I was the last one to know." Surprised pa daw ang drama mo, well I was really surprised. But then, I was actually grinning with delight. Was that an oxymoron? Well, hell, I just felt good some truth landed on me without asking.

All the more that I am convinced that these people are rubbing their shoulders on me and will be to find a better place in my life. I see pity in their eyes, but I don’t mind. Months ago, I deserved that. But now? Maybe, but I have made peace with all these. It’s just that the closure I was still waiting for just landed on my lap without even asking. Thank you folks for caring. Thank you for the pity. I know that the next time you see me, I’ll make you all proud. I will be far off from the thrashed Wendy you are looking right at. That is a promise.

So she was the friend friend of your lady cousin ... I dunno but I just fell off...Anyways, I have made my peace...Just wait and see of what I will become out of these...'till then I will sing praise and thanks all of you. It's just I felt ill feeling like schemed upon believing a lie...But I got past through all that now...Well I really do hope happiness for you both because at this point, I don't know what value life is to you but well, LOVE?… I raise eyebrows and push them down. Hell, everything, too much information is sometimes a curse. I definitely welcome cynical thoughts. Hays, it'll get better. Aye?

All Better

All I know is that I am in a better place now. After a hell of what I have been through, I am quite more content and happier than before. June was a miserable month; everything seemed to be dark, vague and unfair. When I thought all things in life are meant to torment me, I just let all the negativity flow hoping that it’ll pass…and it really did. What I don’t understand is why is it that after my hard work of moving forward, I am still entertaining the nonsense that brought hell in my life. I should move on right? But I am surprised why I am still entertaining the nonsense that caused me hurt in the first place. When I am convinced that the past will always interfere with my present, I am sometimes confused on how to act. It’s just the fear of staying on the same ground where I was shattered and tried to pick up the pieces. With all the hurt and pain, I wonder why I am still attached to the things that did me wrong. Maybe I am just plain kind …or stupid. But what I know is that everything really takes time to get used to. I am just lucky to be surrounded with the love, support and understanding of my own circle, people from my own new world that does not include all those “nonsense in the past”.

I know that life has more things in store for me…more exciting things to cry with, to laugh with, to challenge and to love. I know that I can do more of the things that will make my son proud of what an amazing Momma I will be. I am just bothered why I feel pity to the people who have done me wrong. Maybe it’s plain kindness…or stupidity. Maybe it’s the guilt of cursing them to damnation. Well, the bitch in me smirks and says “you deserve each other and damn you for messing me up!”. Sure thing Karma acts fast. Everyone gets what they deserve. Maybe that explains why I am so lucky having friends that sticks up with me, sisters that love me unconditionally and a son that adores me and does not judge me whether or not I am good enough. But why should I feel bad when they are starting to pay for what they have done me wrong? Well, all I can say is that…SERVES THEM RIGHT. Now that’s sweeter than revenge right?

I'm Coming Out

people said that when you are down and troubled and you need a helping hand...mope a lot but please have fun afterwards...do that! (haha, you thought I will go on with the lyrics of the song huh?!)

my RX would be to go out, meet people, enjoy company and you'll be surprised, you are having the best time of your life. I am not trying to sound TH or something but it really is. for me, talking and meeting people really eased up my hangups and made me feel better about myself. when you feel oh so miserable, you are not the only one in the boat honey. so why feel sorry about yourself?

I have been so self righteous for so long that I defied socials thinking that it would not do me good. well, as long as I get all my responsibilities wrapped up, then I am good now to go. I am entitled to my own break, and this time, I badly needed a break. and so I am taking things lightly this time...just enjoying company and having the best time.

sometimes, when you thought that the world has ended, it actually has just began. you just got so tensed up that you got all your doors and windows closed down. try to open up and explore the possibilities. explore, have fun and enjoy! we are too young to think of matters that are beyond out hands to fix...so what would you rather do? ease up and be young. after all, you will never get back to your youth and sometimes it is too late to realize the things you should have done? when else will you explore? when you are wrinkly and gray?

so my case is told...therefore, send the green light for fun into your life!

Pretending?

A so my preliminary exam week has come. With all the requirements I needed to finish plus the study time it demanded from me, I got all tensed and stressed. The good thing about this is that my activities left me no room to think of unwelcome thoughts and just focus on my ever day tasks. Then, someone (unregistered cellphone number) has texted me a very interesting message:

“Pretending to be happy when you’re in pain is just an example of how strong you are as a person…still making that simple smile when every part of you dies. “

To whoever sent that to me, I assume that you know me. In some ways, you are quite right. I try to be strong each day because I know that happiness is a choice. If I choose to mope around and spread negativity because I am hurt, no one would care and no one will bear with me. When you are in pain, you are alone in this world. But when you try to be happy, you go with the crowd of people trying to make that happen. There is a greater proportion of people who wanted to survive in this life. I am one of those people.

I am sorry but I am not pretending. If you see me smile, although I am not deeply happy, I am just content with what is happening. I am not pushing or hoping for my pain to pass. I hope it will last for that way, I will always remember that life has its imperfections. When I go dreaming of nonsensical things, the pain in me keeps me to the ground and to my reality. I would rather face reality head-on that live in a fantasy world hoping and praying that someone would save me from my despair. I am writing my own fate. I know that even God would agree that I deserve more in this life. And the more pain I bear, I believe that the better my life would be, ‘cause I turned out to be the better person HE means to make out of me.

I keep that smile because I welcome even the slightest flicker of joy in my life. I won’t let my ex get the best of me. Though he had me at my best, I won’t let him turn me to my worst. Why would I ever ruin myself for someone who never cared? That chapter of my life is slowly fading. With new prospects comes new hope. But I try not to jump on the romantic lane; I just wanted to enjoy company. Who knows, from all the talking, ice cream flutes, spaghetti runs and “bonding” sessions, something or someone would turn out fine.

All Newly Single-d Ladies, Listen up!!!

For all newly single ladies, listen up!

Enough of the pity trip…it’s time to move on.

Do it with me now…

Stop tormenting yourself with the thoughts of the past and explore new possibilities.

Like the bloodsucking scumbags that took you for granted, you have all the right to find happiness in your life…find out how.

An interesting movie line has taught me a useful and meaningful sentence that gave me a reality check:

“Every woman has the exact love life that she wanted.”

I totally agree. During these painful times in our lives, we tend to soak up with all the lovely memories of the past, which makes any breakup more painful to bear. Moving forward means forgetting all that. Of course, you can take with you some memories from which you have learned things, things that will enable you to do better next time, given the chance to have another person to share your wits and shits in life with.

Remember, the breakup is all about you. It may be painful but it is true.

I refuse to believe that this is the end of my love life, I certainly deserve better. Until the time comes that I accept the fact that I made a mistake and learned from it, I will make a perfect ending for my love story.

Stop hating. Holding that up will only cause you to ruin your next relationships. Just learn to live with it. Play a cheesy song, feel your pain, cry if that helps, but please don’t do that forever. Remember, coping with breakups normally takes days to get over with. It’s just a few days wasted in your life, don’t make it waste all the days in your life.

Remember what a beautiful person you are. Remember how an amazing woman you are. You are so wonderful that even the latest scumbag fell for you. He’s just not worth it. And you deserve better so the breakup seems to be meant to happen.

It may take a while but remember, you are an amazing person. You can deal with it.

Let’s cheers to starting an interesting chapter in our lives…Cheers!