Heavy Load

Sometimes, in life, people either leave or are left behind. This is a normal part of life. It is easy to be hurt and be sad when we are the ones being left by the people who matter in our lives. On the other hand, people who leave either feel relieved or numb from the loneliness and emptiness that they are bound to face...

Friendships, love, relationships...leaving...these are normal parts of life. The load of dealing with life sometimes becomes too heavy to bear, and we need to shed some load to move on. Sometimes, we are compelled to make compromises to make situations in life bearable. I'd like to think that the time I spend with the people who mattered in my life is one that they will carry on...I hope that the memories I have built with them is something that they will always keep close to their hearts... that even when distance separated me from these people, I will always be remembered, I will always matter.

So when I meet these people once again, it's just like old times... no matter how we've changed.

Love: A Little Less Complicated

Many people complain about falling into complicated relationships. There are people who find it hard to know when a relationship starts and be surprised when it ends. Many are clueless on why their relationships seem to be perfect, yet they ended up hurt as they were bound to breakups.

With relationships, people share part of themselves to another person. To some, they give their everything, not SHARE, which is a bad sign I suppose. To some, their status remains complicated because they have committed themselves to a person who is still unsure of what he wants and whoever he really wants to be with. The complications of relationships can go endless, but here’s a piece of my mind.

“Know what you want and who you love and want in life before you share your life to someone else.” Because if you get into a relationship of “convenience”, which means settling to whoever and whatever was available when you needed someone, you might end up hurting that person because he/she would only be a “progression” tool towards getting into the real thing.

The thing is, you need to know yourself first. Because otherwise, how can you ever really love someone if you don’t even know what you want in life? Do that and you’ll be saved from all these troubles.

Know what you want. Know who you love. That way, you will be able to lead the life and lasting relationship that you sure want to spend your lifetime.

To See an Angel Cry

See her there, see her crying thinking she loves him so
But she doesn't know how much it hurts me to hear her beg him not to go
If she were mine again, I'd never let the tears fill her eyes
But she doesn't know how much it hurts me to see an angel cry.

Once she built her world around me and like a fool I tore it down
And she begged me not to leave just the way she is doing now
Now she is begging to another with that same hurt in her eyes
But she doesn't know how much it hurts me to see an angel cry.

I didn't know how much I'd hurt her till I saw her here this way
I didn't realize how much she was broken seeing her falling apart this way
If she were mine I'd hold her forever and dry the tears from her eyes
But she doesn't know how much it hurts me to see an angel cry.

Positive Light

Now, enough of the pessimism. In my world, I can't seem to understand why I have dealt with my life and how I continuously survive with all the negativity I carry around. I am not saying that I am a negative person through and through but most of the days, I am.

and so, after a week-long thinking I have realized one important thing...you see, I have made a list of the happy and sad memories I had with my previously ended relationship...I hope you are curious of what I have found out?

assuming you are, I have found out that I have 3+ sheets pages of sadness and only one page happy times (by yellow paper standards)

of course, I have weighted the level of intensity at which those emotions have battled. still, the sadness outweighed the happy times...listing everything is an eye opening experience for me. It did not include giving of material things, I was just guided by my emotions and perceptions of the years and experienced we had. Boy I got myself fooled, I though I was happy when I am not.

ever since my buboy NJ was born, I have realized that my flaws and his flaws got more pronounced...YES PEOPLE, MORE PRONOUNCED. we were put in an overly awkward situation that tested our strengths and convictions...I never said I did everything right...but the thing is, I try each day to make things right...and I am making progress...whereas the other party, I can't say much...

FLAWS GOT MORE PRONOUNCED....

even then, he never helped me get through the deepest darkest points of life (which mostly involved my unplanned pregnancy, and loads of life dramas)...during the weakest points of my life, he was never there (partly because I never reached out, for what it's worth, why should I if I known it won't do any good)I fact, he was partly the reason behind those weak points, which I survived alone...

Anyhow, I was just surprised to be clinging into something that was practically worthless...a dream that's supposed to mean something but not really...

I was just plain fool, but this fool shall be no fool for life...
this fool will learn...this fool will find somebody who will see the value in her...
I refuse to be taken for granted...because I am worth something...

I DESPERATELY BELIEVE...I AM WORTH SOMETHING...

I know I am not the only one experiencing this...but tonight, I'd like to remain positive for a change...

hope and faith in life, I am hanging by the threads

I know things will be better...in time

Doing Some Thinking

I had a serious talk with this dear friend of mine last night. actually, I have been going out for quite a while, to find answers...to find the fun in me, the kind of carefree person I used to be. Of all the people I know, this dear friend of mine seem to have the talent to see what's beyond me, slaps sense into my head and straightens me up when I needed to. For a smart girl, I always feel foolish around him about everything we are talking about...he really knows me and even when I say I'm okay, he knows I actually am not. I even do not have to say "hey, I have a problem" to him...he just comes to my rescue whenever he is needed, for always.

and so I told him about my problems and sought for a man's view of what I could have done wrong. he just told me plain and simple, it just did not work and sometimes, you do not have to explain and analyze everything in life because if you do, you'll go crazy. we do not have control of the minds and hearts of people we care about...I am lost...my friend explained that perhaps this line was about picking up the pieces of one's life. perhaps the man who said this to me was trying to pick up the pieces of his once shattered self, and decided I could not help him with that or that I am already a nuisance. I could really not get over the context of this line...it's so cocky and to ruin something i have been working hard on by this reason...I seem to understand now...I was just plain foolish giving this man every chance to hurt me and continuously leave me just when I needed him most.

with all the self respect that's left of me, I am committing to my own happiness. I am lucky to have people who loves me for me, flaws and all, no conditions, no hassles, no bullshits.

what I learned from this dear friend of mine is that it is important to value yourself first...that I do not need validation for my happiness and fulfillment. I'd like to believe that..but for now, I must keep afloat and block everything that seem to push me back...After all, I have no reason at all to go back...that's no good...not now...the damage is done, and that's what I will fix ...with the help of friends like this dear friend of mine...