Positive Light

Now, enough of the pessimism. In my world, I can't seem to understand why I have dealt with my life and how I continuously survive with all the negativity I carry around. I am not saying that I am a negative person through and through but most of the days, I am.

and so, after a week-long thinking I have realized one important thing...you see, I have made a list of the happy and sad memories I had with my previously ended relationship...I hope you are curious of what I have found out?

assuming you are, I have found out that I have 3+ sheets pages of sadness and only one page happy times (by yellow paper standards)

of course, I have weighted the level of intensity at which those emotions have battled. still, the sadness outweighed the happy times...listing everything is an eye opening experience for me. It did not include giving of material things, I was just guided by my emotions and perceptions of the years and experienced we had. Boy I got myself fooled, I though I was happy when I am not.

ever since my buboy NJ was born, I have realized that my flaws and his flaws got more pronounced...YES PEOPLE, MORE PRONOUNCED. we were put in an overly awkward situation that tested our strengths and convictions...I never said I did everything right...but the thing is, I try each day to make things right...and I am making progress...whereas the other party, I can't say much...

FLAWS GOT MORE PRONOUNCED....

even then, he never helped me get through the deepest darkest points of life (which mostly involved my unplanned pregnancy, and loads of life dramas)...during the weakest points of my life, he was never there (partly because I never reached out, for what it's worth, why should I if I known it won't do any good)I fact, he was partly the reason behind those weak points, which I survived alone...

Anyhow, I was just surprised to be clinging into something that was practically worthless...a dream that's supposed to mean something but not really...

I was just plain fool, but this fool shall be no fool for life...
this fool will learn...this fool will find somebody who will see the value in her...
I refuse to be taken for granted...because I am worth something...

I DESPERATELY BELIEVE...I AM WORTH SOMETHING...

I know I am not the only one experiencing this...but tonight, I'd like to remain positive for a change...

hope and faith in life, I am hanging by the threads

I know things will be better...in time

Mother and Son time by the Beach

I woke up early this morning, grabbed a cup of joe and went to the beach with my son. Boy, the beach was so peaceful, there were already a few early joggers and elderly who are breathing in the fresh sea breeze when we came to the shore.

NJ took advantage of the cool rippling waters, which were surprisingly clear from the garbage that used to be a common eye sore during these times because of the growing community of squatters living by the shore. He had seen the early batches of passengers riding the motor boat going to and from the port. He had seen a fisherman trying out his luck fishing a bit late in daylight.

Boy this day is so peaceful, the scene of my son playing by the shore donning his swimming trunks and looks so happy and satisfied with his antics under and on water made me loosen up involuntarily. My 3-day headache and chronic stiff neck seemed to automatically disappear. I love mornings like these. Life seems so simple, quiet and neat. Seeing through his smiles and giggles just simplifies all the queries I have. It just convinces me that there is actually nothing to worry about, we are together and all is well.

When I get too uptight about anything, what I do is look into the eyes of my son and everything feels alright. Everything feels a little bit simpler and all my problems seem to become unnecessary. If only the adult world could be simpler as it is for the young ones. Still, I do have some growing up to do to break free from such a dreamy illusion.

At last...

It’s been so long since I have posted my last entry in this page…

It’s a crazy time at work so I have to focus on more important things like…well, earning a living. These past few weeks were both trying and challenging for me. I have put myself under a lot of strain with which I seem to have handled quite well (conceit, haha!!).
Often, we will be faced with challenges, be it at work or in our personal lives. I am lucky that I have a quiet personal life…at the moment. But I know that things will rattle a bit…again. Because that’s how life is supposed to be. We are meant to mess things up a bit sometimes.

While my personal life takes rest from all the drama, it’s been really a crazy time at work.
Now, I don’t have enough time to keep up with the latest gossip or to keep track with the latest movie flick…things that I take joy at the end of the day. After a tiring day at work, I feel satisfied that still; I manage to give 200% in doing every task. Maybe I simply love what I am doing. More importantly, I simply love what I do and thank all the gods for giving me this job (more conceit!!).

My only consolation is that after a tiring and stressful day, I come home to my family. I come home to people who love and support me. Most of all, I come home to my wonderful little boy, who is becoming quite a rascal of a child, just as I was during my days.

For these things, I am blessed…and will always be grateful.
Another storm is coming…I just know it.
So I try to cherish every peaceful moment that I have…while it lasts.
PEACE!!