Sensitive Much?

I admit that I am awfully sensitive whenever somebody comments on how I parent my child, especially if that somebody is my mother. Honestly, I don't look forward to being nagged at how to do things, I believe that my years on earth have given me enough know-how to work around things...or so I thought. Then, we talked about our issues and even my issues on how to do better in handling my child, and to my surprise, I saw her point clearly, which of course made me feel quite off. Bottomline is that I am lucky to have a mother, who immediately corrects me if I am about to do things the wrong way - well in her eyes at least. Experience may be what I am lacking, but my mother has lots of that. I have to give it to her, she talks of things that I really don't have any knowledge or insight of how things may turn out. Though I have faith in myself, sometimes, I needed to be cracked to take a better perspective at things I might be doing wrong, but not intentionally. I guess my mother is just doing her job, parenting me, raising me still even when I am already one... then I thought, parenting never stops and it crosses the boundaries of learning everything about family life.

The Day Fear Comes

My son is definitely getting smarter and smarter each day. As more days pass, the more questions he asks. It is expected from him to be curious about our living setup, but thank God he is not asking questions yet. He never got to live with his Papa, that’s why. He is what they say, ‘an absentee parent’ but a parent still, well I suppose he still wants to be. It’s just that I am bothered how am I going to explain his absence when the time comes that he asks. Should I say straightforward that his Papa does not want me anymore and that he needs to stick with me because I am the better parent for him as of now? Now that’s too depressing. In my case, that is.

I am not feeling self-righteous here but I just couldn’t find the right words yet. I don't wanna pass blame either because I was involved in this from the very start. I just want to be prepared to answer all his questions.

To tell you honestly, that day when he starts asking me questions about our family is one of my dreaded moments. Until today, I still don’t know how to do it. What I know is that I tried my hardest to prevent putting my son and myself in this position. I did, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn't enough to convince that one person we sort of depend on…to stay…for our family. We were left behind and that’s the truth, but I can't find the words or the subtlety put put that thought into words. What a mess.

By that time comes, I know that I will just find the words to say. I really really hope so. Because at this rate, that day will be soon. I fear that I might harbor ill-feelings, but I guess a toddler is not yet capable of that. Perhaps I just have to trust this little tyrant to understand that not all the things we wanted in life has to happen. Life is just that way, you will never know what you are going to get or lose, regardless of how hard you have tried and how much you have fought for it -- in life, sometimes you just lose because you lose, even without a fair fight. And lastly, nothing is fair in life, but that does not excuse you from being the cause of any of it.

Apparently, all he has is ME. I hope that will do.

Just Another Single Parenting Dilemma

With only three exams to go, I am all ready to succumb to the fatigue that’s creeping up my spine. This semester is really tiring or trying. Enrolling 29 academics is no joke especially when you have a lot of other things to take care of. But the thing is, only three exams to go and I am done with this semester, fairly with enough honor.

This coming semester, I am planning to get a lot less load than I intend to. I realized, I am only meeting my son through Sundays. I just feel so guilty that no other person can convince him to study his lessons and at least try writing down ‘new’ letters, letters of the alphabet that is new to him, but me. Even with his teachers, he seldom tries. My dilemma is that I have school and I have my deadlines to deal with and I only have part of my Sundays with him. That is the only day that I am actually taking care of him, and still I am working during Sundays. I am all twisted inside that I can't do everything that I need to do, especially for my son. I am but only one person. It kills me that I can't do enough to make this situation work. It's just that I know what to do and how to do it, but sometimes my body exerts all its energy to exhaustion so it unfailingly gives up. And as I was thinking of how to do these and that, then I realized, what day do I set aside for taking care of ME? or even, do I take care of ME enough?

Life is really hard especially when you are a single parent. NO MONEY CAN COMPENSATE FOR THE HARDSHIPS AND THE WEIGHT OF RESPONSIBILITY THAT IS BESTOWED UPON THEM. Money is dispensable. Responsibility isn’t. You can always earn money, but when you turn back to your responsibilities, you simply lose your worth as a parent and as a person. Whatever your reason is for doing so, YOU ARE SIMPLY FULL OF SHIT!

FLY

You may be puzzled why I titled my entry to an insect and a pest for that matter. Well, that is how I am describing my son lately. But it’s not the pest part; it is the hovering around part that makes me think of him being a fly anyway. Haha. Every time he finds me deep into my writing routine, he tends to fool around. Either he unplugs something or he pushes every button that he can reach in my computer. After losing a total of 3 articles and having to re-format my computer, all I have I a sigh, deep breath and a treat to my favorite ice cream flavor to appease my boiling temper. Kids these days, we all tend to underestimate what they are capable of. Maybe he is just too smart for his own good but on the other hand, maybe he is just trying out his smarts and showing it off to Mamay. You know, people say that patience is a virtue. But I am pulling strings every after strings that snap just to put patience on everything and every stunt that my son does. I am not complaining or anything, it’s just that sometimes I feel like I am losing my sanity comprehending everything that my son does for fun. Although it may seem like he is at play, every broken vase or damaged items in the house is already getting through my nerves.

But you know, every time he smiles at me, he is working wonders. Seems like this is the only way he consoles me every time I turn red because of containing my anger or temper. It’s really hard to show your dark side to children for they might copy it. I should know because I am already hearing one of my favorite curses muttered by my son. LINTIAS!
You may blame me but I can’t help it. I am just being expressive right? Okay it is really my bad…

I just can’t think of a thing to explain why he tends to hover around my computer every time I am close to meeting my deadlines. And when he does that, it is quite a struggle to keep my cool. Anyhow, this little tyrant of mine is teaching me a lot of things. He always emphasize that patience is a virtue. Sometimes, I worry that maybe my son has an ADHD. But he responds to people well. He also knows when to behave and when to put his charms on. He just quite a rascal lately, maybe because I spend more time at home. Maybe it is his way of making up for all the lost times. But mind you, I am not complaining. Every time I am gifted by his sweet kiss and tight hug, I feel alright.

So now I hear him coming right now, dragging his Lola’s slippers with him… I am praying that this is just a stage, and that this stage will pass. I just wanted end this entry with his famous line, the line that never fails to appease me every after broken glasses, vases and plates. “Mama?! Mahal na mahal kita…”- this may be a result of too much TV but who could ever resist that?!