Hoping...Wishing...It could have been...

I feel so foolish coming here, giving in to my inner desire to finally open my heart and feel something again. I am here seating in front of this computer, writing this blog, which was very far from what I was hoping would happen today. If I hadn't fallen for your charms, I am long gone and I might probably be at home back to my old life. But here I am beside you just being with you and I don't think you want me here, I don't think you care I'm here anyway.

But I am thankful for what you made me feel these past few days. I learned to trust myself to feel again. I learned that I am still capable of feeling the emotions I so thought I was never able to feel again. So when I come down to this same road, I know I can make open up for love once again... so goodbye and have a nice life. Thanks very much.

Bad Morning

There's always a day when everything doesn't go according to your plans. Not only are my pending accounts unsatisfied (done but no payments coming in yet), my son has already learned the "I'm sick" trick just to skip school. Time and time again, I always explain how our little family works. Mama does the actual work to earn money and Buboy need to go to school to be a kid, study and make friends. If one of us don't do our part, then nothing would work. Now if Buboy wants to skip school, then Mama will get angry and work will be quite a day of venting anger through writing. If nothing works, then that means one of us will be left behind in a far away place and we will be separated so we can function better, a scenario that is all too familiar to me. Times are really hard. Really hard, especially when I am dealing with this alone. But I am trying my hardest to make things work. Trying my hardest. God, a little help please?

Flutter

A glimmer of light, a flutter of emotion- I seem to miss the days when I took for granted the feeling of excitement of hoping for something great. I missed the days of looking forward to the unknown. As I grew older, I grew more anxious about the future. It seems like I hope the rest of my life will be spent "today". I stopped hoping. I stopped dreaming. I became fearful instead of bold. I became cautious instead of outrageous. I used to be bold and courageous. Now, I felt I lost all the fun and exciting things about my life. I live each day alone. I live each day catering to what needs to be done. I have given up the privilege of doing what I want, a long time ago. Now, It's always about what's needed to be done. A common theme of grown up whines. But all the more that life makes me feel this is my reality. I hope a flutter of something I have in the past would suffice to let me hope again, look forward to anything again, dream again... live a little bit more.

This Blog is Personal

When I started this blog account, I did it because everyone in the office was doing it. I did it because of the opportunity to earn money from some paid blog posts. But as time progressed, my reason for maintaining this blog became personal. My posts became more and more personal, which explains the tag "personals". In this blog, I write the words for ME. what I feel, what I think, without fear of judgment, without fear of errors, I boldly publish it here, because this blog has become my friend when no one else can be. When I feel frustrated, I write my feelings down. Whenever I feel stupid, overwhelmed and angry, I write everything down. I thought, it's better to bother an electronic being than someone who may have his own share of problems and just dig him deeper because of my nonsense. This blog has been my thought's haven, my emotional therapy. Needless to say, this blog is a deep part of me. This is the raw ME. My words were meant to express, and I think that's a liberty I chose to embrace. They may mean bad or good to the one who reads, but its just thoughts, this blog is just me thinking, feeling and being honest and trying to stay out of trouble because of the words I feel are stupid, too tactless and petty to blurt out in person, I put them here instead of bothering the person, and everything in the world makes sense.

I am not in the habit of reading back my past entries. I am mostly a bit ashamed of the immaturity and selfishness in them. But I think that's the point of blogging, the opportunity to dig deep into yourself and into your selfish thoughts - celebrating self when everything works out or not. It's personal for me. but for you, my reader, whatever you think of this, it's how you relate to this. It's you-not ME.

Mother and I

My relationship with my mother is one that I can compare with marriage. The only difference is that with marriage, you get to choose the person you will commit your 'lifetime' with. But, if I would have to choose a mother, I honestly wouldn’t choose someone like her. 

Now my mother is far from the ideal mother that you may have in mind. She does not even meet the ‘average’ mother category, but that is not to say that she is the worst. Although she had her promiscuous years and she had done things that made her easy to hate, she is the mother that I have. Surprisingly, no matter how we disagree and fight, I honestly love my mother.

As I look back, I was equally stubborn to her as she is to my ‘advice’. I even come to the point of harming myself just so I would force her to see things my way. Through it all, she was the only one who stuck with me through everything wrong I have done. She was as messed up as I was.

Now, I had the chance to live with her again, this time that I have found my own pace and direction in life. Although the situation somehow limited my freedom to go as I please, being all grown up with my own child in tow, I decided to be with her. I know she needed me and even if she doesn’t show it, she needed my guidance. She is making a conscious effort to correct and make up for all her past mistakes and hurt caused in our family. She needed me to see how hard she is trying, and I am happy to be with her through the process.

Sometimes, my mother drives me crazy with her boisterous chatter and somehow out of this world assumptions about people and about life. It’s pretty much living with a tactless kid who is so stubborn to even listen to you. But at the end of the day, I am happy to make her feel that she is making progress, growing up while growing older, as I am happy to also learn valuable and sometimes crazy insights from her, which I will treasure for all my life. 

Happy 7th Birthday Day Son!

Every year, on your birthday,

I think about how glad I am

that you were born,

how thankful I am to have you in my life.

Every year is another year

filled with the special joys you bring

just by being yourself.

Every year, when you open your birthday gifts,

realize what a gift you are

to everyone who knows you,

especially me.

Happy Birthday!

"Papa I have to go now, I'm busy..."

My son's 7th birthday is coming up and we were deciding on the guest list. Then just for pure amusement, I told my son, "what do you think about inviting your father and your other sister to the party?" Then a looong silence followed. He never answered my question, he was just silent and his serious "mafia lord" face was on, and so I dropped the subject and moved on recalling the names of his classmates.

This is what I feared the most, my son feeling so distant from his father. Since he is older now and even more aware of our family situation, I cannot do anymore damage control regarding his relationship with his father. He now can think on his own.

I remember the days when he would hound me every Monday when I arrive from school, getting my cellphone, putting it on the table and waiting for his father's promised weekly call. I used to remember his long and laud laugh whenever he realizes his father called him. I remember the squeal of delight whenever he hears his big voice. Even when he jumbles words because he speaks so fast, seems like he wanted to tell his father many things, realizing that their talk-time is limited. It was a sight that used to pinch my heart - because I felt how my son yearns for more. That this limited time they have together - I can never give him any substitute for it. And now I really want to give his father, excuse my words, a serious ass-kicking for being such an ASS.

So the calls become less and less. My heart hurts whenever my son quit waiting and playing beside the phone and tell me he's ready to sleep now. For weeks that his father forget or "was too busy" to call him, this was the sight. Then he finally asked me, "bakit di na tumatawag sa akin si Papa? (why is Papa not calling me anymore?)" I just answer him, "... maybe he is too busy at work because he works in this big office and that he is too important so he has many things to do. Or, he maybe taking care of your sister, maybe she is not feeling well so he needs to attend to her." My excuse was always the same.

Then eventually, he quitted asking. And so my son lost interest. I started noticing how he is almost forced to just put the phone against his ear in the few times that his father remembers to call him. He even begs me off, telling his Papa, "busy ako, nagpeplay ako eh. (I have to go. I'm busy playing.)" and then he hands me the phone and run away, so I just opted updating hi father about all of his antics.

My heart hurts that my son has to go through this drama, but I know that he can pull through. Every time I embrace him, I hope deep in my heart that I will be enough for him. That the people I surround him, their love and unwarranted attention, will make him feel that he is not missing anything from his life. I guess I'll just try my best to remind him all of the people who love him dearly, people who have been around when he was feeling low, people who embraced him with love, and people who make him glow with appreciation for everything that he did right.