This Blog is Personal

When I started this blog account, I did it because everyone in the office was doing it. I did it because of the opportunity to earn money from some paid blog posts. But as time progressed, my reason for maintaining this blog became personal. My posts became more and more personal, which explains the tag "personals". In this blog, I write the words for ME. what I feel, what I think, without fear of judgment, without fear of errors, I boldly publish it here, because this blog has become my friend when no one else can be. When I feel frustrated, I write my feelings down. Whenever I feel stupid, overwhelmed and angry, I write everything down. I thought, it's better to bother an electronic being than someone who may have his own share of problems and just dig him deeper because of my nonsense. This blog has been my thought's haven, my emotional therapy. Needless to say, this blog is a deep part of me. This is the raw ME. My words were meant to express, and I think that's a liberty I chose to embrace. They may mean bad or good to the one who reads, but its just thoughts, this blog is just me thinking, feeling and being honest and trying to stay out of trouble because of the words I feel are stupid, too tactless and petty to blurt out in person, I put them here instead of bothering the person, and everything in the world makes sense.

I am not in the habit of reading back my past entries. I am mostly a bit ashamed of the immaturity and selfishness in them. But I think that's the point of blogging, the opportunity to dig deep into yourself and into your selfish thoughts - celebrating self when everything works out or not. It's personal for me. but for you, my reader, whatever you think of this, it's how you relate to this. It's you-not ME.

Mother and I

My relationship with my mother is one that I can compare with marriage. The only difference is that with marriage, you get to choose the person you will commit your 'lifetime' with. But, if I would have to choose a mother, I honestly wouldn’t choose someone like her. 

Now my mother is far from the ideal mother that you may have in mind. She does not even meet the ‘average’ mother category, but that is not to say that she is the worst. Although she had her promiscuous years and she had done things that made her easy to hate, she is the mother that I have. Surprisingly, no matter how we disagree and fight, I honestly love my mother.

As I look back, I was equally stubborn to her as she is to my ‘advice’. I even come to the point of harming myself just so I would force her to see things my way. Through it all, she was the only one who stuck with me through everything wrong I have done. She was as messed up as I was.

Now, I had the chance to live with her again, this time that I have found my own pace and direction in life. Although the situation somehow limited my freedom to go as I please, being all grown up with my own child in tow, I decided to be with her. I know she needed me and even if she doesn’t show it, she needed my guidance. She is making a conscious effort to correct and make up for all her past mistakes and hurt caused in our family. She needed me to see how hard she is trying, and I am happy to be with her through the process.

Sometimes, my mother drives me crazy with her boisterous chatter and somehow out of this world assumptions about people and about life. It’s pretty much living with a tactless kid who is so stubborn to even listen to you. But at the end of the day, I am happy to make her feel that she is making progress, growing up while growing older, as I am happy to also learn valuable and sometimes crazy insights from her, which I will treasure for all my life. 

Happy 7th Birthday Day Son!

Every year, on your birthday,

I think about how glad I am

that you were born,

how thankful I am to have you in my life.

Every year is another year

filled with the special joys you bring

just by being yourself.

Every year, when you open your birthday gifts,

realize what a gift you are

to everyone who knows you,

especially me.

Happy Birthday!

"Papa I have to go now, I'm busy..."

My son's 7th birthday is coming up and we were deciding on the guest list. Then just for pure amusement, I told my son, "what do you think about inviting your father and your other sister to the party?" Then a looong silence followed. He never answered my question, he was just silent and his serious "mafia lord" face was on, and so I dropped the subject and moved on recalling the names of his classmates.

This is what I feared the most, my son feeling so distant from his father. Since he is older now and even more aware of our family situation, I cannot do anymore damage control regarding his relationship with his father. He now can think on his own.

I remember the days when he would hound me every Monday when I arrive from school, getting my cellphone, putting it on the table and waiting for his father's promised weekly call. I used to remember his long and laud laugh whenever he realizes his father called him. I remember the squeal of delight whenever he hears his big voice. Even when he jumbles words because he speaks so fast, seems like he wanted to tell his father many things, realizing that their talk-time is limited. It was a sight that used to pinch my heart - because I felt how my son yearns for more. That this limited time they have together - I can never give him any substitute for it. And now I really want to give his father, excuse my words, a serious ass-kicking for being such an ASS.

So the calls become less and less. My heart hurts whenever my son quit waiting and playing beside the phone and tell me he's ready to sleep now. For weeks that his father forget or "was too busy" to call him, this was the sight. Then he finally asked me, "bakit di na tumatawag sa akin si Papa? (why is Papa not calling me anymore?)" I just answer him, "... maybe he is too busy at work because he works in this big office and that he is too important so he has many things to do. Or, he maybe taking care of your sister, maybe she is not feeling well so he needs to attend to her." My excuse was always the same.

Then eventually, he quitted asking. And so my son lost interest. I started noticing how he is almost forced to just put the phone against his ear in the few times that his father remembers to call him. He even begs me off, telling his Papa, "busy ako, nagpeplay ako eh. (I have to go. I'm busy playing.)" and then he hands me the phone and run away, so I just opted updating hi father about all of his antics.

My heart hurts that my son has to go through this drama, but I know that he can pull through. Every time I embrace him, I hope deep in my heart that I will be enough for him. That the people I surround him, their love and unwarranted attention, will make him feel that he is not missing anything from his life. I guess I'll just try my best to remind him all of the people who love him dearly, people who have been around when he was feeling low, people who embraced him with love, and people who make him glow with appreciation for everything that he did right.

I Focus on Me

I love helping out and doing things for others. I love taking care of my family. However, I need to also do things like work because nobody will provide for me and my son but myself. Hell! Enough with the distractions please! Yes, I feel guilty that I can't do all the things that must be done especially that everybody now is busy doing things, but I need to also earn a living because believe it or not, I AM EARNING A LIVING. So for today, amidst the chaos that others seem to think to be the only thing that's most important and the only thing that's happening in this world as of today, I guess I can say "I don't care!". I need to work on these backlogs and just be done with my obligations. Don't mess with me just today because I am pissed! For today, I'll be locked in my work bubble and I'll stay there until everything I need to do is done.

Taking Time

"Life is too short"

"You’re not getting any younger"

"What are you waiting for"

I sometimes feel guilty that I am procrastinating about certain things that I should do – with emphasis in “should” since I have certain responsibilities not only to myself but to the little boy who depend on me in every way. However, I rationalize by thinking that things really need time to get results. People may have their expectations about other people, but bottom line is that we are only responsible on how life will turn out for us. The truth is, I know what I want to do. Everything just takes time. I know a woman of my position do not have the privilege of choice to wait things out, but I am not waiting. believe it or not, I am doing something.  I was too eager to do great things in the past, so fired up that I will do something out of what I am, but look at where I ended up.

I gave up planning for the future a long time ago. Saves me from all the confusions. Saves me from all the frustrations. My mantra is take one day at a time. Knowing that I did something great each day makes me feel whole and with purpose. I may have spent a day watching movies after movies, but I did it while scanning the web for information I can use for whatever and while watching my son build a city out of egg cartons and papers and toys.

I may not have the drive that some people have, which explains their success in their endeavors. I may not have what it takes to become successful, but my success is not based on conventions. A long time ago, I have realized that life is a gift, going deep and learning small things from each day that passes makes me feel more alive. Then I imagine myself in an office, with piles of things to do and meetings to attend. I imagine myself climbing up the corporate ladder and taking trips to some other parts of the world – these are all inviting but will it make sense to me if I didn’t have the simplistic life I have now?

“Life is too short”

Then everything should make sense in life. Otherwise, what’s the point of living?

“You’re not getting any younger”

Age was never a measurement of success nor is it a limitation for things that man can do.

“What are you waiting for”

I am not waiting. I am doing something, no matter how slow or wrong or whatever it is. I make sense out of my life.

We've Got Tonight

I know it's late,I know you're weary 
I know your plans don't include me 
Still here we are, both of us lonely 
Longing for shelter from all that we see 
Why should we worry, no one will care 
Look at the stars so far away 

We've got tonight 
Who needs tomorrow? 
We've got tonight 
Why don't you stay? 

Deep in my soul, I've been so lonely 
All of my hopes, fading away 
I've longed for love, like everyone else does 
I know I'll keep searching, even after today 

So that there it is 
We've got it all now 
And here we are 
What do you say?  

Come take my hand now 
We've got tonight 
Why don't you stay?