I hate messing up.
Even as a child, I was hands on to everything that I needed to do. Sounds confusing right? But then, most children with a complete set get help in doing things that they needed to do either in school or in everything else. They may be assisted in preparing their notebooks and stuff; they are assisted registering their name in the school’s list of enrollees while I am left to fend for myself…always.
This morning, that old feeling of “I hate messing” just came to realization without comprehensible reason, perhaps because I needed to do a bulk of articles later on and the projects are somewhat demanding that makes me feel so anxious right now. I hate messing up because since I am responsible for myself, I was left to fend for myself at an early age, messing up would mean messing up ME.
I can’t rely on no one to take care of me, that is why in the slightest mistake that I make, I realize that those mistakes will ultimately fall on me and just me. I don’t want that. Just like anyone else who is parenting themselves, they would want everything to be done right. Because if not, who else will?
Even sometimes, I am doubting if I am doing the parenting thing right…sometimes I am anxious if my son would end up like me, a completely insecure and complex person that always needed reassurance that everything will be alright…I know no one can achieve perfection but hey, I just wanted the best for myself, especially for my son. What kind of person would not want that?
It just bothers me that I have repressed so many of my childhood memories and I did not even have enough pictures to tell me stories on how I performed during my kindergarten years. I have forgotten what it’s like being a child. I am not sure if I was happy as a child. I am not sure if I raised myself well enough to say, “I am complete no matter what”. Why else would these ugly feelings come out now?
Or maybe, I just needed more of that “growing up” time to feel better in time.
