THE GREATEST WEEKEND OF ALL

The past two days were like heaven for me. I turned off my phone…I never went online…I just slept and played with my son…That’s my definition of heaven. Enough sleep, fun time with my son and spaghetti. That’s it!

I’ve done great in school, I have earned enough, my son is healthy…is it not enough reason to reward myself for a job well done? All I was asking is enough sleep. So there I was. I even got the chance to hear every song that my son has learned. Boy I was surprised to have missed that much! I never realized that he has grown so fast. My baby…is now a kid! Time surely flies by unnoticed.

I have chanced upon an Ugly Betty Marathon, a Charlize Theron and Johnny Depp movie (I can’t remember the title), and a CSI weekend marathon…boy that was great!

In the afternoon, I spared time to stroll by the beach with my son, just easing up from all the fuss that I do everyday. Even at that moment, the tranquility of the beach got me.

Simple as it may seem, I was quite the break that I have been looking for. An escape that I look forward to doing again.

Now You Tell me

Often, I become lost to the things that need my attention. Everything is a big balancing act. Sometimes, I just wanted to freeze the moment, just for me to catch my breath. I just have this lurking feeling that something is amiss. I might have overlooked something and I don’t know what it is. What I know is just I am doing everything I can to face every day with all its challenge, and manage to end the day accomplishing everything that need to be finished-wrapped and polished.

I am using all my energy making things work. But hey, not everything has to come from me. Not everything has to come from me. I am no machine and relationships do not work with only one end functioning. It must be real work. So I don’t care if you are too tired by the end of the day to remember that we’re here, just check on us and make sure that we’re okay. I am fed up with all the routine rap. So please don’t appeal to my guilts and convince me that you are at the suffering end of our worlds, you have not yet got a taste of what my suffering has been. So don’t go ranting you’re available and expect that we’ll come rushing by and grab the chance to kiss your ass. Life does not work that way.

All I wanted is a little effort. I am busting my veins all day and all I get is one liner nonsense. I am fed up. I am burnt out. For now, I am entitled to be a bitch. For now, I refuse to care…safer that way…no complications…no nothing.

For now, I am taking a break. To hell with all the mess coming by my life, I deserve a break. When I mean break, I mean time…time to spend taking care of ME and not of everybody else. Life’s a bitch anyway….AND SO AM I. BIGTIME!!!

Priorities

Time and time again, I often find myself in struggle on priorities. When I say I work, I say that it is for my kid. Being alive, I say that I am doing everything for my kid. But when it comes to situations where I would decide on which one to prioritize, whether its work or my child, I am surprised for it is a struggle for me to make the decision. Why don’t I immediately attend to my son and say that to hell with everything else? After all, he is number one in my life.

We are in the hospital right now. My son is vomiting and poo-pooing and has a temperature of 40 degrees. And amidst the people who are worrying about my son’s condition, I am more concerned about how the bill would dent my savings. Well, that’s the truth. I feel so guilty that I am thinking about other things than him feeling okay. I love my son and I do hope that he is already feeling alright but what am I to do? Although money is less important, it is still important.

You know, my son being hospitalized is just the icing on the cake of everything that happens to me right now. Maybe I need to dance upon the gods just to do away with bad luck. When they say: “when it rains, it pours” I believe that. Seems like bad luck has favored controlling my fate somehow. Crazy right? But I think so because it is how I feel right now. But what matters is, my son is okay.

In the past, one of my sisters has given me the greatest advice. She said that among every problem in the world, money problems is the easiest to find solution. Now I know why. Because when you look for a job, you will find it. Sometimes, it would just come when you needed it most. Compared to other problems, you can control the factors that cause money problems. Come to think of it, compare money with love and family problems and it will surely become inferior.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my son…dearly. He is all that matters to me. I am not counting the ways by which I have to sacrifice some part of me time and time again for his welfare. Because the fact is, he is actually giving me more than what I give him. He is actually giving me valuable life lessons that make me a better person and a better mother for him.

From an immature and inexperienced mom, I have become more of a mature woman, facing responsibilities head-on, and always knowing where her priorities lie. Thanks to inopportune times like this, I am learning more and more about how to survive bad luck, and life. It may sound silly but sometimes, it really needs to hit my head just to make it think straight. Because sometimes, I tend to become preoccupied by things or by people who matters less in my life.

To my son, I am eternally grateful for you. You are making me a better person every day. I promise that after you have recovered, I will take you somewhere special, just the two of us, bonding with at all the precious time that we can spare.

FLY

You may be puzzled why I titled my entry to an insect and a pest for that matter. Well, that is how I am describing my son lately. But it’s not the pest part; it is the hovering around part that makes me think of him being a fly anyway. Haha. Every time he finds me deep into my writing routine, he tends to fool around. Either he unplugs something or he pushes every button that he can reach in my computer. After losing a total of 3 articles and having to re-format my computer, all I have I a sigh, deep breath and a treat to my favorite ice cream flavor to appease my boiling temper. Kids these days, we all tend to underestimate what they are capable of. Maybe he is just too smart for his own good but on the other hand, maybe he is just trying out his smarts and showing it off to Mamay. You know, people say that patience is a virtue. But I am pulling strings every after strings that snap just to put patience on everything and every stunt that my son does. I am not complaining or anything, it’s just that sometimes I feel like I am losing my sanity comprehending everything that my son does for fun. Although it may seem like he is at play, every broken vase or damaged items in the house is already getting through my nerves.

But you know, every time he smiles at me, he is working wonders. Seems like this is the only way he consoles me every time I turn red because of containing my anger or temper. It’s really hard to show your dark side to children for they might copy it. I should know because I am already hearing one of my favorite curses muttered by my son. LINTIAS!
You may blame me but I can’t help it. I am just being expressive right? Okay it is really my bad…

I just can’t think of a thing to explain why he tends to hover around my computer every time I am close to meeting my deadlines. And when he does that, it is quite a struggle to keep my cool. Anyhow, this little tyrant of mine is teaching me a lot of things. He always emphasize that patience is a virtue. Sometimes, I worry that maybe my son has an ADHD. But he responds to people well. He also knows when to behave and when to put his charms on. He just quite a rascal lately, maybe because I spend more time at home. Maybe it is his way of making up for all the lost times. But mind you, I am not complaining. Every time I am gifted by his sweet kiss and tight hug, I feel alright.

So now I hear him coming right now, dragging his Lola’s slippers with him… I am praying that this is just a stage, and that this stage will pass. I just wanted end this entry with his famous line, the line that never fails to appease me every after broken glasses, vases and plates. “Mama?! Mahal na mahal kita…”- this may be a result of too much TV but who could ever resist that?!

My Angels

After losing my job, I have discovered a lot about myself. Well, if I am very frustrated, my temper always tends to skyrocket. It’s like unleashing the storm that you are holding inside, just to release every bad feeling. I was treated unjustly that’s why, and it has been a rotten decision to have befallen my pride. So to the dancing King and his comrades, you suck big time. What kind of leadership is that? You simply suck!!!

Wow! What a release!!! Hahahaha!!!

Before I go on the series of ranting nonsense, maybe it’s wiser to have every grudge bottled up and shipped straight to hell. Just take care of these pigs alright?!

Because I am too busy being loyal and being a hard worker for such a thankless job, I have taken for granted a lot of people. And to my shame, these people were the ones who have helped me surpass all the bitterness that I have been holding on to. My only regret is that I haven’t spent enough time forging friendships, friendships that were more fulfilling than being loyal to this blood sucking company. I know karma will find time to visit them somehow.

When I felt that I had nowhere and nobody else to go, these people extended their hand and extended their time putting out the anger in me. Experiencing the same tragedy, these people made me realize that there is no point holding on to the grudge. Instead, they have convinced by that what happened was actually a good thing. Thanks to my angels, I have found ways to actually take care of my school, allowance and most especially my family. Now, I own my time and I can make anything out of it without having to lose as sorely as what recently have happened. To my angels, no words can express my gratitude; I need not say all your names because you know who you are. I just wanted to say that out of the experience, my greatest joy was that having to found friends in all of you; you were such a blessing that made me come through all these. And with that, I can have my peace. Thanks so much!

Charging Forward

After feeling bitter for the past few weeks, I have finally come to my senses. There’s no point wondering about things that you don’t hold any control. There’s also no point finding reasons for everything that has happened because such mystery makes all your shortcomings, mistake or every trial worth reminiscing. In due time, I know that I will finally realize for which reasons things have happened. But for now, I am charging forward.

I really like the phrase moving forward, that’s how I describe my life right now. I don’t like to call it moving on for it entails no definite direction or purpose. I am fortunate to have set all my priorities before the storm and I am also fortunate to have drafted the direction where I want to lead my life. You see, I am not alone. I have all these angels by my side to guide me through. Surprisingly, I have taken these people for granted through the days that I felt glorious about my work. But after the fall, these people were the ones who supported me and helped me nurse my burning pride.

I have always said to my friends that I am a sore loser, especially when I put myself in any situation to win, to succeed. I believed that hard work is eventually translated into gains with which I can secure positions that I have been dreaming of. But sadly, things does not always work that way because for every success and for every joy that you find or discover in this life, there will always be something and someone who would want to ruin everything you have worked for. There will always be something and someone that will threaten every good thing that you have. So what must I do? Find fulfillment in your life. Fulfillment should not depend on job positions or money or on anybody. I must be deeply rooted upon you for in this world, snakes are abundant and betrayals are of becoming part of normalcy. Nobody else will treat you right and justly but yourself.

Moving Forward

If I had the power to turn back time
I won't use it...
Never will I have that power for it wouldn’t right
What I regret is how my loyalty was wasted
How hours of hard work was thrown just like that.
Everything seems so fake
But if things like this never happened
We wouldn’t have challenges and we wouldn’t learn from our mistakes
...and from other's stupidities
Fate can be good, however it can also be bad,
It can make some people very happy and others very sad
Some things happen in life and we can’t figure out why
Sometimes it becomes so unfair that all we want to do is cry
We can often be caught up in nothing but confusion
This inevitably leads to problems and also disillusions
letting go is hard
It can sometimes mean swallowing your pride and taking of your mask
Healing does take time for the my pride and faith in people to repair
It can often mean finding happiness, whilst still holding on to that despair
In situations like this
Getting hold of the past is pointless
why make the pain and betrayal last?
By learning to let go
You are putting your predicament behind you
Thus closing an old door and starting anew