I am plain Sick

I really find it very difficult to be a responsible parent when I am dealing with something bigger than me, something that has done me wrong, something that I don't deserve. I find it hard to decide on whether or not to free all my rage because if I do, my being a responsible parent will be compromised. I find it difficult, I can't breathe. I got all my muscles tensed up, I could kill a crow. It's so hard to bear and live with the frustration and disapointment while saving an ounce of respect...for my son's father.

I am in rage. I am appalled. Although I expected things like "disgusting other woman" happens in the moment of weakness, I just can't help feel being human, I can't help feeling the emotions that comes with betrayal...it sickens me...it sickens me to my core. It has twisted me to bits I want to scream and shout out how you have killed a part of me...if only I can shout the words I wanted to say...if only I can lambaste you will all the disgusting words I know just to make you feel how I am sickened, while still setting a good example to my boy...my shame to world is how you got me fooled for somebody that is exactly not YOU.

I just hope all the pain is worth it. Every time I am fighting the tears to fall in front of my son, something inside me dies. Every time he smiles at me, I see your face...if only I can make him look like me, even just a little. Of what am I punished for? Why am I given this lifetime torture? What did I do to deserve something like this? Haven't I got enough? What else is there threaten the simple pleasures I enjoy in my life. Every time I am confronted with the fact that I cannot shield my son from a monster like you, I feel so frustrated I so wanted to twist your neck...I hope it's worth it.

Why me? God why me? Why is it always me? Why does it have to be me? I am so sick of this!!! I'm so goddamn sick!!!argh!!

STAY AWAY FROM BROKEN PEOPLE

Many times, during your personal reflections, you see yourself playing a stupid part to serve “the common good”. Perhaps your naiveté tells that that is an act of unrestrained unconditional love that makes you great, as a person, as a lover. Well here’s an eye opener. For a person picturing love and sacrifice as the greatest act that will put meaning your life, that’s plain stupidity.
Life is harsh, life is never good. It brings a little happiness at some point, only to draw more anguish the next. Well that is the reality of life…

A killer was once asked, how do you control your victims…

He said…"simple, I give them hope…as I torture their bodies, as I deliver excruciating and deathly pain to their being I feel control over their life. I feel so powerful, so above the world…when I see they can’t bear no more, I release the torture…I talk to them…making them think they buy time to think of something to escape me or to give her rescuer precious time to get to her. That’s dumb. I make promises, I give her room to breath for a while, I give her a little hope for survival…believe me, she’ll do anything you ask for that…hope…people are so fragile…they dwell on the littlest amount of hope to survive, not thinking of the big picture, is it worth it. If my life is a string away from ending, where will that hope bring me?..it's me who ends it anyway...giving hope, it's got an understated power over people...that keeps me from killing...that keeps me living...that keeps me hoping...

No one sucks the life out of you, it is the reality that sucks life from you. Hope is the escape you call love, love that makes the world worth living for some, love that makes the world crazy, love that makes crazy people kill, love that puts crazy people into this world...love that puts good people in pain...

Now tell me, what is your definition of love…of life…of hope?

...FROM THE SERIES OF EXPRESSIONS

"ANGST"

BY WENDASTARR

Now You Tell me

Often, I become lost to the things that need my attention. Everything is a big balancing act. Sometimes, I just wanted to freeze the moment, just for me to catch my breath. I just have this lurking feeling that something is amiss. I might have overlooked something and I don’t know what it is. What I know is just I am doing everything I can to face every day with all its challenge, and manage to end the day accomplishing everything that need to be finished-wrapped and polished.

I am using all my energy making things work. But hey, not everything has to come from me. Not everything has to come from me. I am no machine and relationships do not work with only one end functioning. It must be real work. So I don’t care if you are too tired by the end of the day to remember that we’re here, just check on us and make sure that we’re okay. I am fed up with all the routine rap. So please don’t appeal to my guilts and convince me that you are at the suffering end of our worlds, you have not yet got a taste of what my suffering has been. So don’t go ranting you’re available and expect that we’ll come rushing by and grab the chance to kiss your ass. Life does not work that way.

All I wanted is a little effort. I am busting my veins all day and all I get is one liner nonsense. I am fed up. I am burnt out. For now, I am entitled to be a bitch. For now, I refuse to care…safer that way…no complications…no nothing.

For now, I am taking a break. To hell with all the mess coming by my life, I deserve a break. When I mean break, I mean time…time to spend taking care of ME and not of everybody else. Life’s a bitch anyway….AND SO AM I. BIGTIME!!!

early tribute to valentine's day

Since I am in one of my weird moods today, I just wanted to share something real and funny. AskMen.com just given me a great idea about finding the songs to dig in since Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. To men with someone special to spend it with, you’re such in a great luck that still many are crying their hearts out over karaoke stations just to spread their torn hearts to other people who suffers with them (ahem! Loyal friends?!). Even their classic machismo could never keep them from crying or moping over some cheesy songs. Here are few of the bits and pieces I managed to compile out of David Nusair’s article. ( Understandably, I will only discuss those I’m familiar with)

With its infectious and patented feel-good vibe, Bob Marley’s “No woman , No cry” is considered to be one of men’s classic brake-up songs. With its laid-back tempo and optimistic lyrics, men will surely dig its “everything’s gonna be alright” liners.

Next in rank would be Milley Cyrus’ father’s “Achy Breaky Heart”. This one could be an antidote to typically sappy and sad break-up songs. Actually, as corny as it is, this song was used in one of my grade school’s group square dance antics which were coincidentally held in the love month of February. This song is famous for continuously muttering its infectious “Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart. I just don’t think it’d understand” liner throughout the song.

Next stop…give it up for Pantera’s classic goth-angry approach to break-up songs. With their popular song “This love”, men’s if-I-can’t-have-you-nobody-can sentiments was voiced out. Their “I'd kill myself for you, I'd kill you for myself” liner made men rock out a real pissed-off song during their darkest moments in love.

Give it up for the cheesy “I will survive” mania, men also dealt with the same issues women do during break-ups. Boy, we really share some thoughts aye?! Who can forget it’s “I would have made you leave your key/If I'd have known for just one second/You'd be back to bother me” lyrics.

Give it up for his Royal Classic Hotness for making it in this song list. Elvis Presley’s “Always on My Mind” was actually featured in the film “Practical Magic”. The song is basically offers an almost heartbreaking tale of break-up. In belting out an infectious Beatle-ish tune, who can forget it’s “If I made you feel second best/I'm sorry, I was blind” heartfelt regret?!

Old songs really hit home which is why I really dug deeper just to find these popular but old songs. Next on the list would be Fleetwood Mac’s “Go on your way”. It supposedly convinces men to try shouting “If I could/Baby I’d give you my world” to the leaving party to find little consolation on their guilt-stricken faces. It could possibly win her back. If not, we better move on to the top of AskMen.com’s list.

Guns and Roses’ fans? Anyone? The last entry would be a treat. Getting over your breakup while singing and banging along “Back-off Bitch” never fails to evoke the rocker inside most men with its rife and misogynistic lyrics. Who can not fight inward-loathing and self-pity when you can simply shout “Face of an angel with the love of a witch.” to your ex’s face? This could be the meanest break-up song ever to be sung to a girl. It's a good thing though...or is it? Well, if it hurts so much them go on. She'll understand.haha!

Certainly, there will never be a shortage for break-up songs. But nothing could beat the classic ones as they have long been part of tears-and-booze and I’m-ready-to-move-on stages of most people’s lives.

So to those who suffers, nurse some booze, sing along, and make valentine’s day better this year!!!

I hope you enjoy pantera
CHEERS!!

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